"Gavroche: Good evening, dear inspector. Lovely evening, my dear. I know this man, my friends, his name is Inspector Javert. So don't believe a word he says 'cause none of it's true. This only goes to show what little people can do!"

"Helena Bonham Carter - Madame Thénardier"

"Hugh Jackman - Jean Valjean"

"There was a time when men were kind. When their voices were soft, and their words inviting. There was a time when love was blind. And the world was a song, and the song was exciting. There was a time...Then it all went wrong. I dreamed a dream in times gone by, when hope was high and life worth living. I dreamed, that love would never die, I dreamed that God would be forgiving. Then I was young and unafraid, and dreams were made and used and wasted. There was no ransom to be paid, no song unsung, no wine untasted. But the tigers come at night with their voices soft as thunder. As they tear your hope apart as they turn your dream to shame. He slept a summer by my side, he filled my days with endless wonder. He took my childhood in his stride, but he was gone when autumn came. And still I dream he'll come to me that we will live the years together. But there are dreams that cannot be, and there are storms we cannot weather. I had a dream my life would be so different from this hell I'm living, so different now from what it seemed. Now life has killed the dream...I dreamed."

"Do I care if I should die now she goes across the sea? Life without Cosette means nothing at all... Please don't weep, Cosette, should Marius fall. Will you weep, Cosette, for me?"

"You know nothing to Javert. I was born inside a jail. I was."

"Oh, my friends! My friends, don't ask me what your sacrifice was for! Empty chairs at empty tables, where my friends shall sing no more."

"You wait, my girl! You'll rue this night! I'll make you scream! You'll scream all right!"

"Madam Thénardier: I used to dream that I would meet a prince. But God Almighty...have you seen what's happened since?"

"Then out comes the banana! And she takes a few lame shots like the Russian rockets that are going to sputter and pop and land in our cornfields. And for the finale she aims her vagina down the main isle like a great cannon, loads it with a very ripe banana and thoomp fires it! Almost hits me in the eye, almost hits an Australian housewife in the head, hits the back wall and sticks! And slowly it inches its way down until it, pomp, lands... and is devoured instantly by an army of giant roaches."

"[as Athol Fugard] Spalding! The sea's a lovely lady when you play in her. But if you play with her, she's a BITCH! Play in the sea, yes, but never play with her. You're lucky to be here! You're lucky to be ALIVE!"

"So I did it. I got in the car for the final ride to the airport. And as I was riding, I felt like I was going to the gallows. I couldn't believe it. Why was I doing this? Why did I feel, mainly, why did I feel so inflated. I'd been there eight weeks, I'd worked eight days. Was waiting that difficult? I felt all puffed up, but on the way, I felt, my God, I will never see a little piece of heaven like this again. This is the end. And as I was riding, I said a silent benediction, a silent farewell to all that I had had and would miss. Farewell, to the fantastic breakfasts, free every morning. You walked down and there they are waiting on you with the papaya, mango, and pineapple like I'd never tasted before. Farewell, to the Thai maids with the king-sized cotton sheets and the big king-sized beds. Farewell, to the lunches. Fresh meat flown in from America, daily. Roast potatoes, green beans and roast lamb, at 110 degrees under a circus tent, according to British Equity. Farewell to the drivers with the tinted glasses and the Mercedes with the tinted windows. Farewell to the cakes, and teas and ices every day exactly at four o'clock. Farewell to those beautiful smiling people. Farewell to that single, fresh rose in a vase on my bureau in the hotel every day. And just as I was climbing into that first-class seat, and wrapping myself in a blanket, just as I was adjusting the pillow from behind my head, and having a sip of that champagne, and just as I was adjusting and bringing down my Thai purple sleep mask, I had an inkling, I had a flash. I suddenly thought I knew what it was that had killed Marilyn Monroe."

"[as "Jack Daniels"] Waterproof, man? Waterproof? You ask why waterproof? I'll tell you why waterproof! When my ship sinks, in an ocean, any ocean, anywhere, I'm still chained down there in that waterproof chamber. I press that green button, it activates that rocket, it goes up out of its waterproof silo, up, up, up, UP! I get a fucking erection, man, every time I think about firing a rocket at those Russians! We're gonna win! We're gonna win! We're gonna WIN this fucking war! Boy, I like the Navy, man. I get to travel everywhere. I've been to India, been to Africa, been to Sweden. I fucking didn't like Africa, man. I don't know why. Black women just don't turn me on."

"[as "Jack Daniels"] The Russians are stupid people, they're backwards. You know on their ships, they don't even have electrical intercoms? They still speak through tubes? [as himself] Suddenly, I had this enormous fondness for the Russian navy, for all of Mother Russia. The thought of these men like innocent children speaking through empty toilet paper rolls, empty paper towel rolls, where you can still hear doubt, confusion, brotherly love, ambivalence, all those human tones, coming through the tube."

"What a fantastic land it was, how it was Shangri-La before it was colonized... Thailand was a Nordic country compared to Cambodia, and they're right next to each other. And he said 90% of the land was owned by the people; it was earth, it was dirt, but it was THEIRS, and it was good. And-and they knew how to have a good time. They knew how to have a good time. They knew how to have a good time getting born, a good time growing up, a good time going through puberty, a good time falling in love, a good time staying in love, a good time getting married, a good time staying married, a good time having children, a good time raising children, a good time growing old, a good time dying... they even knew how to have a good time on NEW YEAR'S EVE! I couldn't believe it!"

"I can't even look at a weather map anymore! It's too big! That's why I moved to Manhattan - I wanted to move to an island OFF THE COAST of America!"

"[On dealing with the annoying upstairs neighbor] Renee is not practicing Buddhist tolerance. She's walking up and down... she's got STEAM screaming out of her navel. And there are people say we should start a collection to hire a vigilante to off this woman, to kill her, and I find I'm not saying "no"? That's how New York has changed me? I'm willing to put money into the pot? Renee? Renee's father was in the Jewish Mafia. She knows the language. She grew up in the streets of New York. She calls her up and goes, "BET YA WANNA DIE, RIGHT, BITCH? CUNT, I'LL BEAT YOUR FUCKING FACE IN WITH A BASEBALL BAT! BITCH! CUNT! DIE! DIE! DIE!" [he slams the "phone" down hard] Music goes louder. Renee figures the woman's a masochist and is getting off on the language."

"This bombing went on for five years. The Supreme Court never passed any judgment on it and the military speaks with pride today that five years of the bombing of Cambodia killed 16,000 of the so-called enemy. That's 25% killed, and there's a military ruling that says you cannot kill more than 10% of the enemy without causing irreversible, psychological damage. So, five years of bombing, a diet of bark, bugs, lizards and leaves up in the Cambodian jungles, uh, an education in Paris environs in a strict Maoist doctrine with a touch of Rousseau, and other things that we will probably never know about in our lifetime -- including, perhaps, an invisible cloud of evil that circles the Earth and lands at random in places like Iran, Beirut, Germany, Cambodia, America -- set the Khymer Rouge out to carry out the worst auto-homeo genocide in modern history."

"Coral Browne - Lady Claire Gurney"

"Michael Bryant - Dr. Herder"

"William Mervyn - Sir Charles"

"Harry Andrews - Ralph Gurney, the 13th Earl of Gurney"

"Upper-class excrement! You wanna do me dirt, just because I know too much. I know that one percent of the population owns half the property in this country. And that vomiting one percent wants kosher killing, hung up so the blue blood drains out slow and easy. So, comrades, come rally and the last fight let us face. The international army unites the human race. [singing] I'm only a strolling vagabond So good night, pretty maiden, good night."

"Peter O'Toole - Jack Gurney, the 14th Earl of Gurney"

"Carolyn Seymour - Grace Shelley"

"Alastair Sim - Bishop Lampton"

"My noble lords, the strong must manipulate the weak! That's the first law of the universe. The hard survive, the soft quickly turn to corruption. This is a call to greatness! Approach this day out to battle against your enemies. Let not your hearts faint, fear not and do not tremble, neither be ye terrified because of them. For the Lord your God is He that goeth with you - to fight for you against your enemies to save you. And mine eyes shall not spare, neither will I have pity. I will recompense them according to their ways and their abominations that are in the midst of them. And they shall know that I am the lord that smiteth!"

"[after electro-shock therapy] Deformed, unfinished, sent before my time into this breeding world. I'm cured of fantasy obsessions, paranoid delusions. I master words. 'I' - straighten up there. 'AM' - close up with 'I' - you horrible little word. 'GOD.' I AM GOD. Not the god of love, but God Almighty. I massacred the Amalekites and the Seven Nations of Canaan. I hacked Agag to pieces and blasted the barren fig tree, for the day of vengeance is in my heart! You lunar jackass, she betrayed you. Guilty, guilty, guilty. The punishment is death. I've finally been processed. They made me adjust to modern times. This is 1888, isn't it? I'm Jack, Cunning Jack, Quiet Jack. Jack whose sword never sleeps. Hats off, I'm Jack. Not the good shepherd, not the prince of peace. I'm red Jack, spring-heeled Jack, Jack from Hell. Trade name: Jack the Ripper! [He produces a knife, flicks it open, and slashes at a bag of flour] Mary, Annie, Elizabeth, Catherine, Alice, Mary Kelly. [singing] 'Six little whores, glad to be alive. One sidles up to Jack, and then there are five.'"

"Sometimes God turns His back on His people and breaks wind. And the stench clouds the globe!"

"Come, doctor, you said he needed a harsh dose of reality. Well, you can't get a harder dose of the stuff than marriage."

"Yes, he's a nutcase. Most of these titled fleabags are. Rich nobs and priveleged arseholes can afford to be bonkers. They're living in a dreamworld, aren't they, sir? Life's made too easy for 'em. They don't have to earn a livin', so they do just what they want to."

"James Villiers - Dinsdale"

"Arthur Lowe - Tucker"

"I was only trying to do what's expected me. I recall it's a sign of normalcy in our circle to slaughter anything that moves."

"Behaviour which would be considered insanity in a tradesman is looked upon as mild eccentricity in a lord."

"If only I knew then who I was now."

"For what I am about to receive, may I make myself truly thankful."

"[to Sally Bowles] Doesn't my body drive you wild with desire?"

"Cabaret... Winner of 8 Academy Awards!"

"[singing] Money makes the world go around."

"A divinely decadent experience!"

"[singing] Life is a cabaret, ol' chum, so come to the Cabaret."

"[repeated line] Divine decadence darling."

"Come to the cabaret."

"I'm going to be a great film star! That is, if booze and sex don't get me first."