"[dry-humping Jon] 'Cause I don't know what that would mean, you know?... I don't wanna do anything unless it means something... Don't you think it's always better when it means something?...You'd be so sexy in a real job... so what'd ya say? You, me and our friends go out sometime?... And our families meet... huh, yeah?... And you take one class for me, baby? One little class? Huh? Yeah? Yeah?... and after that, are you gonna fuck me in my tight ass, baby? Please?...and maybe come in my face?... Huh, Jon? You wanna come at my face?... then come on baby, cum for me! Cum, cum, cum..."

"If you wanna lose yourself, you have to lose yourself to another person. And she has to lose herself to you. It's a two-way thing."

"Everyone loves a happy ending."

"There's more to life than a happy ending."

"Joseph Gordon-Levitt - Jon "Don Jon" Martello, Jr."

"Scarlett Johansson - Barbara Sugarman"

"Julianne Moore - Esther"

"Rob Brown - Bobby"

"Glenne Headly - Angela Martello"

"Brie Larson - Monica Martello"

"Jeremy Luke - Danny"

"Paul Ben-Victor - Priest (Voice)"

"[Deacon narrates following a non-chronological flashback, in which a porn producer kidnapped him and his friends and physically threatened them]"

"Heather Hanson - Hairdresser"

"Daniella Evangelista - Wendy"

"Brooke Dillman - Biology / Health Teacher"

"Anders Hedman - Max (K)"

"Samm Levine - Roger"

"Riley Smith - Jake"

"Dey Young - Mrs. Lewis"

"Tom Arnold (actor) - Mr. Lewis"

"Amy Smart - Naomi"

"Sarah-Jane Potts - Ashley"

"Daniel Farber (actor) - Mat"

"Tony Denman - Fred"

"Erik von Detten - Deacon"

"[Fading in to a class trip to the zoo. The class stares down at a dolphin tank. Due to the humidity around the tank, the nipples of the large breasted older teacher are even more noticeably pokey than before]"

"[Deacon's parents lie in bed watching a porn video, when their own portrait shows up in the background]"

"You know, I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but I think you've got a really nice ass!"

"Fighting crime never felt so good."

"Making sex safe again!"

"Ben! Use your hamster style!"

"They just kicked my sorry black ass!"

"Get your punk asses out of my sushi bar!"

"G-Fresh in the house."

"Homey don't play that!"

"Soon he will be sleeping with the fishes, see."

"I don't want to sound like a queer or nothin', but I'd kinda like to make love to you tonight."

"Hey, I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but I think unicorns are kick ass!"

"I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but I think Depeche Mode is a sweet band!"