"I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final, you know. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. When I was thrown out, my mother, who was an emotionally high-strung woman, locked herself in the bathroom and took an overdose of Mah-Jongg tiles. I was depressed at that time. I was in analysis. I was suicidal as a matter of fact and would have killed myself; but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian, and if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss."

"I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable."

"[voiceover] My analyst says I exaggerate my childhood memories, but I swear, I was brought up underneath the roller coaster in the Coney Island section of Brooklyn. Maybe that accounts for my personality, which is a little nervous, I think. You know, I have a hyperactive imagination. My mind tends to jump around a little, and uh I I I have some trouble between fantasy and reality. My father ran the bumper car concession. Th-there he is, and there I am. Right. I I used to get my aggression out through those cars all the time. I remember the staff at our public school. You know, we had a saying, uh but, "Those who can't do, teach, and those who can't teach, teach gym." And uh, of course, those who couldn't do anything, I think, were assigned to our school. I must say, I always thought my schoolmates were idiots. Melvyn Greenglass, you know, his fat little face and Henrietta Farrell, just Miss Perfect all the time and uh Ivan Ackerman, always the wrong answer. Always."

"There's an old joke: two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know, and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life. Full of loneliness and misery and suffering and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly. The the other joke important joke for me is one that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx, but I think it appears originally in Freud's Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious. And it goes like this, I'm paraphrasing: Um, I would never wanna belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member. That's the key joke of my adult life in terms of my relationships with women. You know, lately, the strangest things have been going through my mind, 'cause I turned 40, and I guess I'm going through a life crisis or something, I dunno, and I'm not worried about aging, I'm not one of those characters, you know I, well I'm balding slightly on top, that's about the worst you can say about me. I um I think I'm gonna get better as I get older. You know, I think I'm gonna be the balding virile type, you know, as opposed to say, the um distinguished gray, for instance, you know, unless I'm neither of those two. Unless I'm one of those guys with saliva dribbling out of his mouth who wanders into a cafeteria with a shopping bag screaming about socialism. Annie and I broke up, and I still can't get my mind around that, you know, I keep sifting the pieces of the relationship through my mind and and examining my life and trying to figure out where did the screw up come, you know, and mm a year ago, we were in love, you know, and and and I just, and it's funny, I'm not a I'm not a morose type. I'm not a depressive character, you know, I was a reasonably happy kid, I guess, I was brought up in Brooklyn during World War II."

"Mark Lenard - Navy Officer"

"Sigourney Weaver - Alvy's Date Outside Theatre"

"Beverly D'Angelo - Actress in Rob's TV Show"

"Jeff Goldblum - Lacey Party Guest"

"Dick Cavett - Himself"

"Joan Neuman - Mrs. Singer"

"Christopher Walken - Duane Hall"

"Colleen Dewhurst - Mrs. Hall"

"Janet Margolin - Robin"

"Shelley Duvall - Pam"

"Paul Simon - Tony Lacey"

"Tony Roberts - Rob"

"Carol Kane - Allison"

"Diane Keaton - Annie Hall"

"Woody Allen - Alvy Singer"

"[repeated line] La-dee-da, la-dee-da."

"After that it got pretty late, and, we both had to go, but it was great seeing Annie again. I realized what a terrific person she was and how much fun it was just knowing her, and I thought of that old joke. You know, this guy goes to his psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken." And the doctor says, "Well why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships– you know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd, but, I guess we keep going through it because most of us need the eggs."

"A relationship, I think, is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark."

"You know, even as a kid, I always went for the wrong women. I think that's my problem. When my mother took me to see Snow White, everyone fell in love with Snow White. I immediately fell for the Wicked Queen."

"Denis Leary - Bill"

"Victor DiMattia - Timmy Timmons"

"Shane Obedzinski - Tommy 'Repeat' Timmons"

"Grant Gelt - Bertram Grover Weeks"

"Brandon Quintin Adams - Kenny DeNunez"

"Marty York - Alan "Yeah-Yeah" McClennan"

"Chauncey Leopardi - Michael "Squints" Palladorous"

"Patrick Renna - Hamilton "Ham" Porter"

"Mike Vitar - Benjamin "Benny" Franklin Rodriguez"

"David Mickey Evans - Adult Smalls/Narrator"

"Tom Guiry - Scotty Smalls"

"You're killing me, Smalls!"

"A piece of paradise a half block wide and a whole summer long."

"They're more than a team. They're the best buddies in the entire history of the world."

"The adventure of a lifetime, the summer of their dreams...the dog of their nightmares."

"Remember, kid, there's heroes and there's legends; heroes get remembered, but legends never die. Follow your heart, kid, and you'll never go wrong."

"Let me tell you something about it, kid. Everybody gets one chance to do something great. Most people hardly ever take the chance, either because they're too scared or because they're unable to recognize it when it spits on their shoes. This is your big chance, and you should never let it go by..."

"[voiceover] We all lived in the neighborhood for a couple of more years—mostly through junior high school—and every summer was as great as could be. But none of them ever came close to that first one. When one guy would move away, we never replaced him on the team with anyone else. We just kept the game going like he was still there."

"[voiceover] Benny would've played ball all day, night, rain, shine, tidal wave, whatever. Baseball was the only thing he cared about, but among the other things we did besides baseball, going to the pool is what he tolerated best."

"[voiceover] Only one kid in history had ever attempted what Benny was about to...and he got eaten. So we were worried, real worried, even when Benny brought out the secret weapon: Shoes guaranteed to make a kid run faster and jump higher—P.F. Flyers."

"[voiceover] If it weren't for Benny, I never would have made a single friend that summer, because all those other guys thought I was a lost cause."

"Meet Otto. He's a clean-cut kid in a dirty business. He's a Repo Man. He steals cars legally. Now, he's out to repossess a '64 Chevy Malibu...with an amazing reward of $20,000. But Otto is not alone. There are others who want the car and will do anything to get it. The risks are great, because hidden in the trunk is something so incredible it could destroy them all. We'll give you a hint... it glows in the dark."

"...It's 4 A.M., do you know where your car is?"

"Susan Barnes - Agent Rogersz"

"Fox Harris- J. Frank Parnell"

"Tom Finnegan - Oly, Repo man"