"One minute, he's just a teenage lad in Alaska having joyful unprotected sex, the next minute: 'Get to the Republican Convention!' I think that is the best safe sex message of all time: 'Use a condom, or become Republican!'"

"Some people, I think they're called racists, say America is not ready for a black president. But, I know America to be a forward-thinking country, right, because otherwise, you know, would you have let that retarded cowboy fella be president for eight years? We were very impressed. We thought it was nice of you to let him have a go, because, in England, he wouldn't be trusted with a pair of scissors."

"There's no shame in being second to Stephen Fry. Unless it's in a straight nose competition."

"I don't like doing anything that makes you sweat if you don't come at the end of it."

"New York is basically a new version of York. But York just got a cathedral..."

"I keep hearing in my head "you are the Messiah, you are the Messiah". I think there's something wrong with my headphones."

"It's difficult to believe in yourself because the idea of self is an artificial construction. You are, in fact, part of the glorious oneness of the universe. Everything beautiful in the world is within you. No-one really feels self-confident deep down because it's an artificial idea. Really, people aren't that worried about what you're doing or what you're saying, so you can drift around the world relatively anonymously. You must not feel persecuted and examined. Liberate yourself from that idea that people are watching you."

"I love the BBC, it's a gorgeous organisation and it's just 'cos it's got vaguely socialist state-run tendencies that people like bloody old Rupert Murdoch coat it off in the Sun, and it's gotta stop!"

"Matt Morgan: Have you been thinking about your religion/new order? Russell Brand: Yes I have actually Matt, and I've got a few more theories for it to make it absolutely watertight. We'll all be living on a nice island, vegetarians doing yoga and that. We'll get rid of ideas such as the nuclear family and like in African tribes the word 'mother' will mean all female members of the tribe and the word 'father' will mean all male members. There will be a lot of [wolf whistles] … and also we're not going to have no more currency, stuff like that, no brain-bending or mind-washing and we'll all be free to explore ourselves although there will be an age of consent and it'll be the same as usual so as people don't go 'Oh no...'. Matt Morgan: Pretty watertight, isn't it? Russell Brand: Pretty watertight so far Matt, I'd like to see a political theorist drive a bus through that. If so where did he get his licence? As we're in charge of issuing bus licences and they're not issued to possible dissenters, who are immediately killed on traitor's cove; one of the nicest parts of our island, decorated with all lovely corpses."

"That's right middle America, I loves Jemus!"

"Cilla Black: What are you like? Russell: A bit like Jesus but with an electric willy."

"I believe Finland's economy is based on Moomin juice."

"That's what keeps me alive, perversion and star quality."

"Oh no, my brain is broken."

"This is Hollywood, mate. People bring chihuahuas round!"

"I'm genuinely and actually a bit like Jesus."

"That diamond encrusted goat's skull is the height of good taste!"

"I'll riverdance while that's happening, 'cause it seems to be what I naturally do anyway."

"Noel Gallagher looks like a mum's mate."

"After the revolution we will be broadcasting constant messages into a microchip inside your brains. It's gonna be great!"

"Noel Fielding's not in, Noel Gallagher's not in, I think the message is don't trust Noels! Noel Edmunds, deal or no deal? No deal Noel!"

"Is it Paul Mccartney? Is it Jimmy Page? No, it's Noel Gallagher, they look the same age!"

"I'm waiting for something worth waiting for."

"What about the rumours David Cameron smoked drugs as a schoolboy? What worries me most is that he dressed up as a schoolboy to do it, the pervert. Though perhaps, let’s not condemn him regardless. Who among us didn’t smoke just a little bit of weed at school, just to take the edge off those irksome crack come-downs? Actually, as it turns out, it’s about as good an anti-drugs campaign as you’re going to get, don’t take drugs you might end up leader of the Tories with a face like a little painted egg."

"Let's send actual love to Robbie Williams. Get well England's Rose. One day at a time old bean. Ooh, those bloody drugs!"

"I emerged from the womb, right, I was wearing a top hat and I had a cane and said: 'Mother, that was an awkward and embarrassing birth. You should be ashamed of yourself dear. Now pull your nightie down; that doctor looks salacious.' Then I trotted off outside, met up with Kenneth Williams and we both had tea, and we looked down at our dinkles with disgust."

"When asked what he puts on his hair: "Mostly orphans' tears, old clock parts, lizard's tails, spit, the concept of freedom; all up there, all shooshed up right nice and tight, like a bonfire that's never actually burned... it mutters follicular oddities into my mind.""

"Could you imagine a wand that was not camp? Could you imagine, for example, Ray Winstone, with a wand? (Impersonating him) 'RIGHT OK. IT'S A KIND OF MAGIC, SIT DOWN.'"

"If that's a euphemism - an egg and spoon race, - I'm probably gold medal class."

"In an infinite universe; eternal time, why just do what people tell you? 'ave a laugh; do what you want."

"If you're going to use 'theatrical' and 'bent' in such close proximity, you're going to give people the wrong impression."

"so when I was staying with him, he went 'alright, okay, so what time do you go to bed then?' and I thought 'fucking hell! he doesn't know what he's doing!! SHIIIIIIT!!' I went 'oooh, about, 10 oclock?', 'ah yeah, alright then'. YEEEES!! it's like the same feeling that as an adult I would get walking through customs with heroin in my bottom. 'I'm getting away with iiiiit!"

"You'd think, if you was me, you would think this and I am me, so I'm in a perfect position to offer conclusive evidence on that... innit like when you go away on holiday, you think 'oh yeah, I'd better go away on holiday, cheer myself up, get away from it all" but when you go on holiday, you're there, so it's shit!"

"So by being offended you've sorta acknowledged that you are thick, and none of us are, so we're all back on speaking terms!"

"I kat you?"

"Should we stick with the Goth Detectives from when we won last year? Where's our trophy?"

"[Piers Morgan:] Are you a more successful sexual predator now that you don't drink? [Brand:] Yes, but I resent the word "predator". I like to think of myself as a conduit of natural forces. After all, the most natural thing in the world for people to do is f*, isn't it? And people want to do it, so all you have to do is remove all the reasons why women don't actually go through with it, like pride and reputation. You just have to unpick the conditions stopping women going straight to bed with you."

"(after Noel Fielding has written "peep scarf" to describe a piece of muslim apparel) That's its proper name!"

"Where's Guy?!"

"The whole thing stinks, Carr!"

"October... Is that when there's conkers?"

"Let's look beyond the divisions of football teams and look at the unifying force within our souls... SEX!"

"Blimey! Thank God my jeans are this tight- you could wear me like a puppet!"

"It's like Kilroy only talking about Big Brother and there's no racism allowed."

"[On chat-up lines] Well, stick around love, cos I've got worse. The worst being, simply, "Get in the van.""

"Hmm, wa'er! If, right, your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?"

"It's not really over. There's a little part of my brain that is:"

"[On a fabricated tabloid story] The Neptunian underworld king unleashed a barrage of eels from his abdomen and each of the eels was carrying a zippo lighter and as they flew by they spelt across the sky in fire 'Tara can a borrow your eyeliner please?' If you're gonna make stuff up go mental!"

"Spiral's views are so enchanting that when I heard them, I cleared off to Australia, strolled up Ayres Rock to the meditating Aborigines, pulled down my trousers and pants, polished my dinkle 'til it was as stiff as a pipe, prised its end open and shouted, "Lads, who wants a blow of my didgeridoo?!" They said they faced this ignorance from the white man on an almost daily basis."

"Charles Ingram's views are so pugnacious that when I heard them, I went back to ancient Arabia, sauntered into Aladdin’s cave, said "Open, sesame," perused all the treasures and trinkets until I got Aladdin's attention, pulled down my trousers and panties and forced a genie into my dinkle's peep hole and shouted, "Aladdin, rub the lamp! You'll get more than three wishes!" He said he wished I'd leave his cave."