Cartoonists From The United States

"Raffi: Okay, it's time to make another deposit to my therapy fund."

"Cynthia: To be honest, I've been rethinking things lately. I mean, I'm still a Christian, but I'm definitely transitioning. Janis: Really? Is your mom letting you do hormones? Mine won't."

"Ginger: Oh, jeez. Well, uh... maybe you should talk to someone. Cynthia: I thought I was."

"Cynthia: Of all the times to come out to your family, I had to do it right before the last presidential debate. Damn that John Kerry! Ginger: Cynthia, I'm sorry your parents are having a meltdown, but it's hardly John Kerry's fault. Cynthia: When he called Mary Cheney a lesbian, I felt like I had been drop-kicked. Ginger: Well, Mary Cheney is a lesbian, and you're a political football."

"Sparrow: Oh my God. I'm a trained professional. I can't believe I didn't see it sooner! The mind games... the use of isolation... the accusations about being unfaithful... the obsessive keeping track... preventing the other person from getting a job... Stuart, we're in an abusive relationship with the Bush administration!"

"Sydney: [proposing to Mo] Will you do me the honor of paradoxically reinscribing and destabilizing hegemonic discourse with me?"

"Samia: I'm all the trouble you need. Do you know why I invited you here? Ginger: For the Brussels sprouts tartare? Samia: For the long, discreet tablecloths."

"Harriet: [making an excuse] Um... I'm looking for a copy of The Wheat-Free Guide to Creative Visualization in Co-dependent Past-Life Relationships. Mo: Huh. Jeez, I never heard of that one... Wonder if it's in spirituality or cooking."

"[A social worker has shown up to talk about Raffi's adoption during dinner with Toni's parents] Sr. Ortiz: What's going on here? Toni: Uh... mamá y papá, Gwynne... viene de la iglesia! ¡Sí, sí! Y viene para hablar... uh... del bautizo de Rafael! Decidimos que sería bueno que lo bautizaramos! (Mom, dad... Gwynne is... from the church! Yeah! And she's here to talk about, uh... Rafael's christening! We've decided to get him baptized!) Sra. Ortiz: Gracias a Dios! Sr. Ortiz: How very good of you to come, Sister. Gwynne: Back at ya, brother! It's a pleasure in this day and age to meet folks who are so supportive of their daughter's decision. Sra. Ortiz: That is unusual?! This country is even more wicked than I thought! Gwynne: Yes, it's a shame, but many lesbians' parents tend to disapprove. Sr. Ortiz: What does her being a … a homosexual have to do with it? Gwynne: Exactly, Mr. Ortiz! If only more people felt like you!"

"Toni: Mamá... MAMÁ! I'm paying peak long-distance rates here. Could you save the Hail Marys until we hang up?"

"Carlos: Manly-Man Training Academy, Butch speaking! … OH! Señor Ortiz! Sí, this is Toni's number. ...¿¡De qué estás hablando?! ¡No! I'm not the father! I'm just the babysitter, I swear! ¿Qué?! You want me to marry your daughter? Well okay, but I'm keeping my own name!"

"Mo: Thank you, Jillian, for that fascinating, uh, transsexual version of the Oedipus legend, "Oedipal Complex.""

"Clarice: To most people, it's obvious that the Whitewater allegations and the sexual harassment suit are politically motivated. And everyone else is too jaded to care if Bill fucks his cat. Raffi: Fucks! Toni: Do you want the honor of recording that under "Baby's first word," or shall I?"

"Miriam: Look, don't fixate on the due date. It's just an approximation. Only 5 percent of babies actually arrive on it. Most come later, in fact. Clarice: Great! How much later? Two days? Three? Miriam: Let me give you a friendly tip, Clarice. Don't get too hung up on keeping a tight schedule for the next, say, eighteen years or so."

"Thea: Didja make your quota, Lois? Lois: Yup. Kissed a woman from every state in the union. Rhode Island was a drag queen, though. Do you think that counts?"

"Sparrow: Listen, Mo. I have been doing crisis intervention with battered, homeless women and kids all week long. Tonight, I am going to vegetate in front of the TV. If you're so worried about Bosnia, go join the Red Cross."

"Lois: [intercepting a man in the women's bookstore] Can I help you find something, sir? Man: Um... just browsing. Lois: Hmm... I find that publication rather tame myself. Have you ever seen this one? This month there's a hot photo spread of three totally tattooed babes with strap-ons doing an armpit shaving scene. And if you're looking for a real thrill, check out the story, "She Came in Waves," in this new female ejaculation anthology! Man: 'Scuse me, I think I left my car at a hydrant."

"Mo: Uh... sorry. I was just wondering why you're... you know... using that if normally you just use crutches. Thea: Well, the chair is so much more dramatic, don't you think? I use it when I want people to feel extra sorry for me."

"Toni: Well... straight couples get respect when they marry. Maybe we need to make some kind of symbolic affirmation of our commitment to one another! Clarice: You mean... Toni: Yes! Let's open a joint checking account! Clarice: Oh, darling! But this is so sudden!"

"Lois: Hey, Ginger! Are you masturbating in there or what? I wanna show you something! Ginger: [in the tub] If I'm masturbating, will you leave me alone? Lois: No! Check it out. How do I look? Ginger: Like a white girl in a black bra."

"Ginger: Get off it, Mo. If I can't ogle, I don't want to be part of your revolution."

"Mo: Ginger, how can you think about sex at a time like this? Madmen are about to destroy the earth! Ginger: Can you think of a better time? I don't know about you, girl, but I want to have a G-spot orgasm before Armageddon hits."

"Clarice: [getting cold feet] There's still time! Toni: We can just call everyone and say we're terribly sorry but something came up and we have to leave town! Clarice: ...But what about the five gallons of baba ganoush, and all those tofu pups? Toni: Shit. I forgot. Well, I guess we'll just have to go through with it, then."

"Clarice: [proposing to Toni] I'll be your lawyer if you'll be my accountant."

"Lois: Good coffee, huh? Emma: Lois, I think you're a very attractive woman and I'd like to sleep with you. Lois: [chokes] Gak! Ahem! You don't - coff - fool around, do you? Emma: No, but I'd like to."

"Mo: Toni, come on! I know you're in a lot of pain, but you hafta look at the grand scheme of things! Listen, the environment is polluted beyond the point of no return, nickels and dimes are allocated for AIDS research while billions go into radar systems for blowing up civilians in the Persian Gulf, and we've got to spend the next two months being assaulted with hypocritical hype as two morally bankrupt white boys gear up for another electoral farce! Having a rough time in your relationship kinda pales in comparison, huh? Toni: Gee, Mo... thanks. I can always count on you."

"Ginger: [hauling Clarice up stairs in a wheelchair]: This ivory tower needs some ramps! Clarice: What are you saying, Ginger?! Build ramps and anyone could get up!! The whole school would be overrun by black commie dykes in wheelchairs! Really, now!"

"Writing is simple. First you have to make sure you have plenty of paper... sharp pencils... typewriter ribbon. Then put your belly up to the desk... roll a sheet of paper into the typewriter... and stare at it until beads of blood appear on your forehead."

"I don't make the infantryman look noble, because he couldn't look noble even if he tried. Still there is a certain nobility and dignity in combat soldiers and medical aid men with dirt in their ears. They are rough and their language gets coarse because they live a life stripped of convention and niceties. Their nobility and dignity come from the way they live unselfishly and risk their lives to help each other."

"I would like to thank the people who encouraged me to draw army cartoons at a time when the gag man's conception of the army was one of mean ole sergents and jeeps which jump over mountains."

"I'm convinced that the infantry is the group in the army which gives more and gets less than anybody else."

"I haven't tried to picture this war in a big, broad-minded way. I'm not old enough to understand what it's all about, and I'm not experienced enough to judge its failures and successes. My reactions are those of a young guy who has been exposed to some of it, and I try to put those reactions in my drawings. Since I'm a cartoonist maybe I can be funny after the war, but nobody who has seen this war can be cute about it while it's going on. The only way I can try to be a little funny is to make something out of the humorous situations which come up even when you don't think life could be any more miserable."

"Many celebrities and self-appointed authorities have returned from quick tours of war zones (some of them getting within hearing distance of the shooting) and have put out their personal theories to batteries of photographers and reporters. Some say the American soldier is the same clean-cut young man who left his home; others say morale is sky-high at the front because everybody's face is shining for the great Cause. They are wrong. The combat man isn't the same clean-cut lad because you don't fight a kraut by Marquess of Queensberry rules. You shoot him in the back, you blow him apart with mines, you kill or maim him the quickest and most effective way you can with the least danger to yourself. He does the same to you. He tricks you and cheats you, and if you don't beat him at his own game you don't live to appreciate your own nobleness. But you don't become a killer. No normal man who has smelled and associated with death ever wants to see any more of it. In fact, the only men who are even going to want to bloody noses in a fist fight after this war will be those who want people to think they were tough combat men, when they weren't. The surest way to become a pacifist is to join the infantry."

"While a guy at home is sweating over his income tax and Victory garden, a dogface somewhere is getting great joy out of wiggling his little finger. He does it just to see it move and to prove to himself that he is still alive and able to move it."

"More than anyone else, save only Ernie Pyle, he caught the trials and travails of the GI. For anyone who wants to know what it was like to be an infantryman in World War II, this book is the place to start — and finish."

"I don't know what you think you're trying to do, but the krauts ought to pin a medal on you for helping them mess up discipline for us."

"Sergeant Bill Mauldin seemed to us over there to be the finest cartoonist the war had produced. And that's not merely because his cartoons are funny, but because they are also terribly grim and real. Mauldin's cartoons aren't about training-camp life, which is most familiar to people at home. They are about the men in the line — the tiny percentage of our vast Army who are actually doing the dying. His cartoons are about the war."

"You've got to be a misanthrope in this business, a real son of a bitch. I'm touchy. I've got raw nerve ends, and I'll jump. If I see a stuffed shirt, I want to punch it."

"The American public highly overrates its sense of humor. We're great belly laughers and prat fallers, but we never really did have a real sense of humor. Not satire anyway. We're a fatheaded, cotton-picking society. When we realize finally that we aren't God's given children, we'll understand satire. Humor is really laughing off a hurt, grinning at misery."

"Certainly none of the advances made in civilization has been due to counterrevolutionaries and advocates of the status quo."

"Willie and Joe are my creatures. Or am I their creature? They are not social reformers. They're much more reactive. They're not social scientists and I'm not a social scientist. We're moral people who do not belong to the moral majority. One of my principles is, Thou shall not bully. The only answer is to muscle the bully. I'm very combative that way."

"My outlook on warfare is best illustrated by a cartoon I did some thirty-odd years ago of a soldier in an Italian foxhole reading about the Normandy invasion and observing to his buddy that: "The hell this ain't the most important hole in the world. I'm in it.""

"If you're a leader, you don't push wet spaghetti, you pull it. The U.S. Army still has to learn that. The British understand it. Patton understood it. I always admired Patton. Oh, sure, the stupid bastard was crazy. He was insane. He thought he was living in the Dark Ages. Soldiers were peasants to him. I didn't like that attitude, but I certainly respected his theories and the techniques he used to get his men out of their foxholes."

"I was a born troublemaker and might as well earn a living at it."

"(Sylvia) [This] sends the wrong message to the international community. It says we support the U.N. only when it serves our interests exclusively. [pause] Wait a minute! That is our message."

"(Sylvia) Rita! Is Bush still president? (Rita) Ma, I didn't want to tell you...You seemed so happy."

"(Television) We are aggressively striking the terrorists in Iraq, defeating them there so that we will not have to face them in our own country. (Sylvia) Oh, good. So once we get rid of those, there won't be any more."

"(Television) Humor will never be the same. Sarcasm, irony, and cynicism will disappear. (Sylvia) Right. I'm having mine surgically removed. (Rita) Ma, cut it out!"

"(Sylvia at typewriter) I feel much lighter now that I've given up my civil liberties. I recommend it to everyone! (p. 94)"

"(Wicked witch hexing babies) Women of future generations will have undreamt of career opportunities. You two will use yours to despoil the environment."