"You don't say 'we're suspending the campaign'! You can't say that! We didn't sus-, you can't, it's the democratic process! We didn't suspend it for 9/11, we didn't suspend it for Pearl Harbor, we didn't suspend it for the Nazis, we didn't suspend it for the damn British! We don't do that in America! We don't! There's no suspending the campaign! Democracy first! First, first, first! First! Democracy, FIRST!"

"I haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass."

"Relax, you're among friends now. The long hard day is over and the roly-poly funny man is before you."

"Just a warning: If you're a bunch of sexy teenagers at a lake where other sexy teenagers were killed 30 years ago, leave! The guy in the forest with a hockey mask... maybe doesn't play hockey."

"[to Rupert Grint] Look at the great city of LA stretched out in front of you, son: there's dangerous people living in that cardboard backdrop."

"Don't do that... By the way, this is not Oprah furniture; you jump on this, and it will be firewood... Oprah's got the real thing, this stuff...this is about as real as that [points to cityscape backdrop] right there."

"Clive Barker: It's an excuse to look at my groin. Craig Ferguson: I'm European - I don't need an excuse."

"Craig Ferguson: Do you do therapy? Hugh Laurie: I see a gentleman once a week. Craig Ferguson: I love it, I'm a great convert. Hugh Laurie: Therapy? Craig Ferguson: No, just seeing a gentleman once a week."

"I'm TV's Craig Ferguson, please sit down relax and: "take off your pants"; "dip your hand into a bowl of warm water and fall fast asleep"; etc."

"I view my own body as a Donalds hiccups I am the main attraction... And the only customer."

"[reading an email] "Dear Craig, … are your letters written by your writers?" No. "Does this make me one of your writers?" (ponders) Yes. "Why haven't I been paid?" Because you're one of my writers!"

"[to camera] Excuse me for just a second. [walks off-camera, to studio audience] Shut up!"

"[bends over] *errgh* Sorry for making that noise, but … that's what happens when you get older. One day what happens is that you bend over, and you never come back."

"Laughter separates us from despair and gives us a chance at love."

"[The Secretariat horse character reveals his true identity, and it happens to be Bob Newhart.]"

"[When beginning the cold open with another person] Please state your name for the camera."

"Another innocent victim of my pointless rage."

"I can't live by your rules, man!"

"[After the doorbell rings, right before Secretariat appears] Who's that at the door?!"

"It's a great day for America, everybody."

"Remind you of anyone?"

"[referring to himself] Where's the Scottish Conan guy?"

"Sounds like a party at Elton John's house."

"It's a JOKE!"

"[referring to a category of people he might have upset with a joke] I'm looking forward to your letters..."

"[in reference to a two-word comment from a guest] ...I used to dance under that name."

"It's okay, I'm European [referring to a preceding sexually ambiguous comment]."

"I Know!...."

"...or is it?"

"...best night of my life."

"You know who doesn't like _____? Al-Qaeda!"

"I often stop when I'm doing something, in the middle of rehearsals or some other job, and I try to take a minute to think "Okay, this might be as good as it gets, so drink it in, appreciate it now". So far, I've been lucky because another job has always come along to equal the last."

"This man is talking about rape survivors who want female-only care, the nurses currently suing their health trust for making them change in front of a man, girls and women losing sporting opportunities to males and female prisoners incarcerated with convicted sex offenders."

"If I'm honest I'm a little depressed by the fact that acknowledging that everyone has the right to be who they want to be and live their life how they want to live it as long as they're not hurting anyone else should merit any kind of special award or special mention because it's common sense, isn't it? It is human decency. We shouldn't live in a world where that is worth remarking on. However, until we wake up and Kemi Badenoch doesn’t exist any more – I don’t wish ill of her, I just wish her to shut up – whilst we do live in this world, I am honoured to receive this."

"[About Donald Trump] When he was over here, he was saying that he was going up to Scotland, my golf course in Scotland, cause people in London are protesting but up in Scotland they really like me. Can I say on behalf of the Scottish nation? We fucking don’t."

"I am so glad, I didn't get stuck in traffic!"

"Getting the call to be in The Goblet of Fire was like being welcomed into the most exclusive upper circle of some elite actors' club. You sit on set with the cream of the National Theatre and the RSC, all clutching wands or wearing witches' hats."

"I was once asked for my autograph in the shower on one of my rare visits to the gym. I was washing my hair, facing the wall, when I was tapped on the shoulder so already it's quite inappropriate. I turned round and there was another naked man standing there with a piece of paper. And I think 'if you can't see how inappropriate this I am just going to have to play along' so I took the paper, which is slowly becoming mulch, and carved my name in it."

"Back in 2005, when I was Christopher Eccleston, we saw one of the largest increases on record, of CO2 in the atmosphere. Unless we keep the rise in global temperature to under 2 degrees, by the time I'm Daniel Radcliffe or wee Jimmy Crankie, I won't be able to save the planet. I won't be here to help you -- well I might, but I'll be that bloke who won Any Dream Will Do."

"Billie and I got chased through the traffic once in a car. You expect paparazzi to do that, but when it's normal people you start to think the world's gone a bit mad."

"I would quite like to try my hand at directing although I would do it in the theatre rather than in TV or film. Theatre is more just about telling the story. I understand the way the theatre works. I will leave the TV to the experts. Doctor Who is very complicated to direct. It would be impossible to direct that and act in it as well."

"I really wouldn't. We have such good writers on the show. And I couldn't walk up to Russell and hand it over and say 'Here's 45 minutes for you' and then he would have to hand it back and say 'Thanks, but it's shit!'"

"The Doctor does have some long speeches and he talks very quickly. Learning all his babble can take a while, but it's very well written babble so I don't mind and you do get quicker. When I filmed Recovery during the break in Doctor Who I would sit down at the weekend and learn the script in an hour and I was like 'Hang on??' You do get used to it though."

"Bremner (as himself): "But let's be clear. We're talking about a country where there's no opposition. As leader he can ignore Parliament and - sorry that's Tony Blair isn't it? Um, so he doesn't even have to ask the country before he goes to war - sorry that's still Tony Blair. No, the difference is Saddam rules Iraq through a combination of terror and brutality, backed up by a vicious regime of intimidation and torture - or is that David Blunkett? As absolute ruler Saddam recently claimed 100% victory in a Presidential Election." John Fortune: "Although that's not surprising, given that voters were accompanied into the booths by Saddam's Ba'ath party officials, and given a choice between voting for Saddam or voting for their wives and children to be killed, and their houses to be burnt down." Bremner (as Peter Snow): "And just a bit of fun, just a bit of fun, even small children were counted as supporters on the principle that you might as well throw in the baby with the Ba'ath voter.""

"(as himself): "Multimedia? As far as I’m concerned, it’s reading with the radio on.""

"(as himself): "Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden are much like Nancy Dell'Olio and Ulrika Jonsson: they can't stand each other, but they both enjoy fucking the same bloke.""