Wigfield

"As I'm sure you can tell by my body adornment, I am an Artist of Doom. Cast your gaze into my bicep if you dare, there you will find a tattoo of chaos and destruction. Go ahead, if you wish to stare into the lair of oblivion. But beware: Once ensnared, there is no escape from my upper arm."

"I searched frantically for someone, anyone who could translate it for me, but everywhere I looked were just mirrors in which my own hideous laughing face was reflected. I cried, "How will I ever finish this book?" And then I knew the terrifying answer. I would have to write it."

"My plan was simple. Stay calm and stay in control of what was becoming an increasingly dangerous situation. In order to implement my plan, I launched into phase one: begging for my life."

"Most people think witches are a coven of lesbians dancing naked in the forest celebrating the semen stolen from imprisoned hypnotized males, which they then use to inseminate one another using turkey basters in order to create a legion of demon babies. Well, that's only part of it. We are also active in community outreach programs."

"Sometimes this place is like Old Salem, hunting for witches because of ignorance. If only they'd reach out and try to understand what we're about, we wouldn't feel compelled to place curses on them."

"The philosophies behind witch and a wiccan are totally different. A wiccan wears ceremonial black robes and invites her body to be inhabited by an evil spirit that commands her to perform tasks of mayhem and destruction. A witch, on the other hand, can wear anything she wants."

"I remember not far back, I got some dogs to take care of and some chickens to take care of and the dogs killed my chickens, so I got rid of the dogs and got some more chickens, and wouldn't you know it? I killed the chickens. I guess I judged those dogs pretty harshly."

"And Wigfield is small. It's so small that we have to go to the post office for a haircut, and they always lose it."

"I love Wigfield. It reminds me of the quaint little town in Pakistan called Gujurat, where I spent much of my early career. Like Wigfield, they understood the value of human life. So very few people are willing to put a price on it."

"But my policy is never to turn a customer away. Some doctors might tell their client, "What you're asking me to do might be dangerous to your health," or "If this leaks inside your breast it's going to cause major problems," but I don't say those things. I'm not here to judge."

"I don't ask them questions and they don't ask me things like "What college did you go to?" ir "Why don't you display your license on the side of the van?" or "Are these tools clean?""

"Me: What are your plans after the book is published?"

"Me: That's it! This interview is definitely over! I'm not going to be ambushed by somebody who I happen to know has a few skeletons of his own in his closet, and they are wearing some pretty dirty laundry."

"I guess I've got my pet theories about who [the Wigfield Maniac is], but in each one, the finger always points back to me, so I tend to keep them to myself. Maybe I committed the murders so I'd have something to write about. See what I mean?"

"The fact is, I'm just a small-town businessmayor, what can I do?"

"I'm sure you are who you say you are and that you will represent me in a way befitting the tragic consequences if you don't."

"Our heels are dug in, and we are not going anywhere until the state can explain to us financially why we should leave, which we won't, ever! We would just like to hear their offer."

"Me: Question number one: Do you enjoy destroying lives?"

"Me: Well, Mr. Farber, as you know, I'm writing a book about this situation. I am merely an objective third party trying to record the facts as they happen, but I would like to state, for the record, that I hope you are served such a crushing defeat by the judge that your wife is embarrassed to be seen in public with you, and your children are taunted and then chased from school by kids screaming "Your daddy is a failure!" Thank you for your time, and best of luck."

"Mr. Gein: I'd bet you two would burn like a gin-soaked hobo."

"I'm an outcast. Nobody will talk to me. It's just like The Scarlet Letter, the only difference being that my isolation is due to narrow-minded people refusing to think as individuals condemning an innocent without having accurate information. In The Scarlet Letter, the woman is shunned because she is a harlot. She deserved what she got. I think she came onto a priest or something."

"For my money, it was hard to be excited about libraries until they started checking out movies. I can't wait until the switch-over is complete. What better way to show the obsoleteness of a book than by setting it next to a DVD? I'm glad libraries are leading the charge against books."

"People are refusing my requests for interviews and lodging. Last night, at what I considered to be a diner, the homeowner refused to serve me. The once affable strippers used to seem pleased when I tucked a little something inside their G-strings, now they insist that something be money. This isn't about me. I'm just worried about the town and what it's not doing for me."

"I love to party, that's not a crime, although I have done some time as a result, but that's not a crime either."

"God, animals are stupid. They will do anything I force them to."

"The reason America's small towns are disappearing is this... 50,000! I've hit 50,000! If you'll forgive me for a moment, I just need to catch my breath. Okay, I'm gathering myself. I decided to go back and do a word count, and I've passed 50,000! Take that, Hyperion! I bet you thought I'd never finish! Now pay up!"

"I would like to dedicate this book to all the good people in charge of nominating books for the Pulitzer Prize. Now, I don't know exactly who you people are, but I do know that whoever hands out those Pulitzer Prizes is on the stick. They are a sharp crowd who I would wager are also very attractive. So once again, kudos to the whole Pulitzer crew. They do a great job, and by saying this I mean to take none of the glory away from the wonderful men and women working at the National Book Award. Thank you."

"To me, Wigfield is a deeply funny, refreshingly original book, but to be fair, it is the first book I've ever read."