"[Getting shocked by an electric stool] Ah! Argh...! [Jumps of off the stool] No, [repeatedly] I don't fucking like that dude...! That fucking hurts, dude!"

"The Number One Movie in America is Number Two!"

"There's a machine in here! Where's the fucking card throwing machine?"

"In 2002, people were appalled by what they saw. Well, guess what, we just made number two."

"[Doing the jihadist suicide bomber skit, to taxi driver] Where I'm going, I don't need luggage."

"[While trapped in the trunk of a taxi cab] Get me out of here!"

"[Opening narration] WARNING: The stunts in this movie were performed by professionals, so for your safety and the protection of those around you, do not attempt any of the stunts you're about to see."

"Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, welcome to Jackass!"

"What? I can't hear... kinda."

"So here I am, trying to contribute to Ehren McGhehey's new beard. I hope he knows that I skipped showering for about a week and a half to make this a little more gross. [Shaves his pubic hair]"

"[Pulling Ehren out of the tire] Jesus Christ, you got a fat fucking ass!"

"[Riding a BMX bicycle] Why would anybody ride this shit? What's the reasoning? Why can't they just make two of the same size wheel?"

"[While chewing on horse feces] It's so dry!"

"Rectal bleeding... another first for Jackass."

"[After Johnny Knoxville falls head first off the penny farthing bicycle] You didn't land it."

"Ow...! Ah...! My ass hurts so fucking bad!"

"[Opening line] Hi, I’m Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!"

"[After the riot control test] Son of a fuck you!"

"I'm Steve-O, and sorry Dad, but no one's gonna miss this for the world. This is the Butt Chug."

"[About to be buried up to his neck in a pile of manure] I'm Steve-O and this is some shit. [Screams] I'm Steve-O and this is some shit!"

"All right cast me out, goddammit!"

"[To Dave England who has an upset stomach] Last time you shit in a damn van and now you get to shit in a limo!"

"Dude, Wee Man, I would never use a card throwing machine on you!"

"I just had a leech chomp my eyeball. YES!"

"Ow, my hip! I think I just gave birth!"

"[After completing the butt chug] Alright, let's go to the bar!"

"[After Matt Hoffman attempts to launch over a ditch, imagined as the "English Channel" on his bicycle] He didn't even make it to Germany!"

"Get ready to be happy ladies and gentlemen, Johnny Knoxville is gonna jump the entire lake! He's amazing."

"[After getting fired out of a street sewer in a devil costume in DTLA] Keep God outta California! Whoo! Tell Charlie Daniels to write a song about this! God is out! He can have the other 48... or 49... whatever..."

"It's times like these when you know - Johnny Knoxville is one gnarly dude."

"If your asshole can't see the camera, the camera can't see you asshole."

"[Chuckles after extracting horse semen] You just pleasured a horse."

"Son of a–fuck you!"

"Hey Ehren, maybe after this movie you'll finally lose your virginity."

"Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and we're about to test my rocket skates."

"[After sticking a fish hook through Steve-O's mouth] Oh, man. That hurt to do that to you."

"[While fishing for sharks, using Steve-O as bait] Dude, isn't this movie supposed to be a comedy?"

"I can't believe I'm fishing for sharks with Steve-O as my bait! It's like a dream come true!"

"I'm so glad I'm not the star of this movie."

"[After getting a surprise haircut] Eh! What the fuck!"

"[Referring to proceed with a boxing match with Naoko Kumagai, a female Japanese kickboxer] I'm about to get the shit kicked out of me by a girl."

"You fuckers are asses! I don't trust anybody!"

"Knoxville is gonna see what the moon looks like!"

"[About the upset customer in the store] He was so bummed! He went there to buy QTips and he just got bummed because there was a fight going on!"

"[After drinking the horse semen] I'm ashamed of myself. I really am. I'm completely ashamed of myself."

"This is Sweaty Fat Fucks. [Tony Hawk and Mat Hoffman hit Bam in the testicles]"

"[After completing Medicine Ball Dodgeball] That was fun. Let's never do that again."

"[Referring to father Phil's obesity] Look at Phil's tummy."

"I have bad news written all over me."

"I'm here with Eric Koston and Clyde Singleton and today I'm gonna 50-50 this rail and... or try to."