"You two bozos don't even realize, you've just stumbled upon the darkest secret in the history of rock. I actually saw it once, I used to be a guitar tech, and the lead guitarist comes on, holding this weird looking thing, with horns on, made of green ivory or some shit. He starts shredding licks way beyond his capabilities. Like shit it had to be coming from somewhere else. It was the Pick, it wasn't him. He didn't know what he had, though. So at the end of the show he just flicks it back into the audience. Some kid catches it. Kid named Eddie van Halen. So I started researching it. I quit my job, moved to Rome, learned Latin. I came to the trust of the senior librarian at the Vatican, he called himself Signore Papadillo - He led me into some shit you wouldn't believe. You see this: It's an ancient scroll, all in Latin. I translated it. Took me six years. Turns out this thing goes deeper than you can imagine. Way deeper. Back to the Dark ages. See this: Long ago, a dark wizard used his power to conjure up Satan himself! Satanos - That's Latin for Satan. A horrific battle of violence ensued, but the ancient demon was far too powerful. Luckily, a blacksmith heard the Beast's roars. The Devil was drawn back into the fires of Hell, and the dark wizard was totally stoked to be alive. With a long draw of his hash pipe, the wizard sought a way to repay the blacksmith. The blacksmith loved a fair maiden, but in order to gain her affection, he would need a true master's skill to leave her moist and wanting. The dark wizard fashioned the demon's tooth into a pick, enabling the blacksmith to play the most masterful of melodies on his lute - Thereby winning the heart of the maiden he loved. The secret of the Pick died with that blacksmith, but then, poof, all of a sudden, it reappears back in the American South, at the turn of the century, in Robert Johnson's fingers, and spawns the birth of the blues, and rock 'n roll. The Pick is a tiny part of the Beast, and so it has supranatural qualities, a whole other level above super."

"I am complete! Yes you are fucked, shit out of luck, now I'm complete and my cock you will suck! This world will be mine, and you're first in line, you bought me the Pick and now you shall both die!"

"Julie Kavner - Gail"

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck, the Demon Code prevents me, from declining a rock-off challenge... What, are your terms, what's the ca-aatch??"

"Pound some Cunth."

"The Big Show - Brick Hughes"

"Yeah it was awesome, compared to bullshit! Compared to the greats! Compared with fucking Beethoven!"

"Not a word unless its a fucking masterpiece!!!"

"Oh the dragons balls were blazing as I stepped into its cave and I sliced his fucking cockles with a long and shiny blade twas I who fucked the dragon fuck-a-lye sing fuck-a-loo and if you try to fuck with me then I shall fuck you too!"

"I totally miss the fucked up things you do."

"I was just following the code."

"Are you ready to write a fucking master piece cause I sure the fuck am!"

"Give me one cock pushup. The cock is a muscle. You've got to learn how to flex it."

"Uh, we're just regular guys, you know. We're just, flesh, and bone."

"I'm in the air-vent, dude. Dude, I totally missed you."

"When you can snatch this remote from my hand, then you can choose the channels we watch."

"Rebecca Gordon as Mara Craig"

"Lucy Deakins as Cammie"

"Robert Prosky as Wally"

"Chris Young as Buck Ripley"

"Annette Bening as Kate Craig"

"Ian Giatti as Ben Ripley"

"John Candy as Chester "Chet" Ripley"

"Hillary Gordon as Cara Craig"

"Stephanie Faracy as Connie Ripley"

"Cindy Crawford - Herself (uncredited)"

"Chet is going to shit a solid gold brick when he sees us."