"I don't do miracles. They're too flashy. And they upset the natural balance. … The last miracle I did was the 1969 Mets. Before that, I think you have to go back to the Red Sea. That was a beauty."

"Jesus was My son. Buddha was My son. Muhammad, Moses, you, the man who said there was no room at the inn was My son."

"Put down that man—and women persons—their existence means exactly and precisely, not more, not one tiny bit less, just what they think it means, and what I think doesn't count at all."

"Carl Reiner's "Oh, God!" is a treasure of a movie: A sly, civilized, quietly funny speculation on what might happen if God endeavored to present himself in the flesh yet once again to forgetful Man. He comes back this time looking and talking a great deal like George Burns, an improvement on his earlier cinematic incarnations. And as his contact on Earth, he selects a common man—John Denver, to the manner born."

"If you find it hard to believe in Me, maybe it would help you to know that I believe in you."

"George Burns — God"

"John Denver — Jerry Landers"

"I know how hard it is in these times to have faith. But maybe if you could have the faith to start with, maybe the times would change. You could change them. Think about it. Try. And try not to hurt each other. There's been enough of that. It really gets in the way. I'm a God of very few words and Jerry's already given you Mine. However hopeless, helpless, mixed up and scary it all gets, it can work."

"Eren Ozker — Gretchen Fox / Hetty Muskrat / Mrs. Mink / Old Lady Possum"

"Dave Goelz — "Pop-Eyed" Catfish / Wendell Porcupine / Will Possum"

"Jerry Nelson — Emmet Otter / Doc Bullfrog / Melissa Rabbit / Stanley Weasel / Yancey Woodchuck"

"Frank Oz — Alice Otter (puppeteer) / Chuck Stoat"

"Marilyn Sokol — Alice Otter (voice)"

"It's a Toe-Tapping Christmas in Frogtown Hollow!"

"Jim Henson — Kermit the Frog / Harvey Beaver / Howard Snake / Mayor Harrison Fox"

"A Merry Musical Treat For The Whole Family!"

"Richard Hunt — Charlie Muskrat / Fred Lizard / George Rabbit"

"Ed Begley, Jr. - Whitey Haber"

"Lin Shaye - Parasol Lady"

"Danny DeVito - Hog"

"Tracey Walter - Coogan"

"Luana Anders - Loretta Anderson"

"Jeff Morris - Big Abe"

"Lucy Lee Flippin - Diane Haber"

"Jack Nicholson - Henry Lloyd Moon"

"Mary Steenburgen - Julie Tate"

"Christopher Lloyd - Deputy Towfield"

"For Henry Moon, life was just beginning."

"Hold on, Towfield, you're wrinklin' my good luck ban-dan-na."

"Hermine: [to Henry Moon just prior to his hanging] You was the best I ever had... 'cept maybe for that circus fella."

"Saved from the hangman, for a fate worse than death!"

"John Belushi - Deputy Hector"

"Well, I ain't no slab of meat to be auctioned off, but what the hell? Fine by me."

"I'll never forget you, Hermine. You was the first woman I didn't have to pay for."

"[to a homely woman who's sizing him up for matrimony] I wouldn't take you to a dog-fight if you was the defendin' champ!"

"Richard Bradford - Sheriff Kyle"

"Poultry is just another way of sayin' chicken."

"Veronica Cartwright - Hermine"

"Ellen Barkin (uncredited) - Guitar-playing woman"

"Kurt Kaufman - a Roxy Theatre doorman"

"Rodney Bingenheimer - Himself"

"Strother Martin - Arnold Stoner"

"Edie Adams - Tempest Stoner"

"Stacy Keach - Sergeant Stedenko"

"Tommy Chong - Anthony "Man" Stoner"

"You'll be rolling in the aisles!"

"DON'T go straight to see this film!"

"Tom Skerritt - Strawberry"

"Cheech Marin - Pedro De Pacas"

"It will make you feel VERY funny!"