"“We were expecting one of the more...experienced...diplomats...” “Oh, I can hand around the thin cucumber sandwiches like anyone,” said Vimes. “And if you want little golden balls of chocolate piled up in a heap, I’m your man.” (p. 199)"

""Have you ever been in a pub where everyone goes armed? Oh, things are a little polite at first, I'll grant you, and then some twerp drinks out of the wrong mug or picks up someone else's change by mistake and five minutes later you're picking noses out of the beer nuts—" (p. 29)"

"It demonstrates the friendly alliance between the University and the civil government which, I may say, seems to consist of their promising to do anything we ask provided we promise not to ask them to do anything. (p. 29)"

""Do you need an excuse to have a war? said Nobby. I mean, who for? Can't you just say, ‘You got lots of cash and land but I've got a big sword so divvy up right now, chop chop?' That's what I'd do," said Corporal Nobbs, military strategist. "And I wouldn't even say that until after I'd attacked." (pp. 111-112)"

"“We’ve always been against a police force in Bonk,” said the baroness. “We feel it interferes with the liberty of the individual.” “Well, I have certainly heard that argument advanced,” said Vimes. “Of course, it depends on whether the individual you are thinking of is yourself or the one climbing out of the bathroom,” he noted the grimace, “window with the family silver in a sack.” (p. 199)"

"This is where we've filled ourselves up with so many questions that they're starting to overflow and become answers. (p. 270)"

"“I believe you vere an alcoholic, Sir Samuel.” “No,” said Vimes, completely taken aback, “I was a drunk. You have to be richer than I was to be an alcoholic.” (p. 189)"

"Lord Vetinari, I know, believes that information is currency. But everyone knows that currency has alvays been information. Money doesn’t need to talk, it merely has to listen. (p. 192)"

"Taxation, gentlemen, is very much like dairy farming. The task is to extract the maximum amount of milk with the minimum amount of moo. (p. 24)"

"Gentlemen, no fighting please. This is, after all, a council of war. (p. 26)"

"She moved like someone who had grown used to her body and, in general, looked like what Vimes had heard described as “a woman of a certain age.” He’d never been quite certain what age that was. (p. 188)"

"I haven’t been sent to a coronation. I’ve been sent to a war that hasn’t started yet. (p. 193)"

"When you hear the bang, there's no time to wonder how long the little fuse has been fizzing. (p. 21)"

"No one remembers the singer. The song remains. (p. 160)"

"Death happens to other people. The other person in this case had been him. (p. 126)"

"“Is there some problem?” said Vimes, catching up with the fast-moving Dee. “We have no problems.” Ah, he’s already lied to me, thought Vimes. We’re being diplomatic. (p. 175)"

"“Tell me,” said Blind Io. “Is there a god of policemen?” “No, sir,” said Carrot. “Coppers would be far too suspicious of anyone calling themselves a god of policemen to believe in one.” “But you are a gods-fearing man?” “What I’ve seen of them certainly frightens the life out of me. sir. And my commander always says, when we go about our business in the city, that when you look at the state of mankind you are forced to accept the reality of the gods.” The gods smiled their approval of this, which was indeed an accurate quotation. Gods have little use for irony. (p. 147)"

""Just because someone's a member of an ethnic minority doesn't mean they're not a nasty small-minded little jerk..." (p. 273)"

"Well, he thought, so this is diplomacy. It’s lying, only for a better class of people. (p. 196)"

"I don’t fink this is one of dem accidents dat happens by accident. (p. 203)"

""Why are our people going out there," said Mr. Boggis of the Thieves' Guild."

"And, of course, any citizen has the right to bear arms. Bear that in mind, please."

"“When people say ‘we must move with the times’ they really mean ‘you must do it my way.’” (p. 181)"

"It is traditionally the belief of policemen that they can tell what a substance is by sniffing it and then gingerly tasting it, but this practice had ceased in the Watch ever since Constable Flint had dipped his finger into a blackmarket consignment of ammonium chloride cut with radium, said "Yes, this is definitely slab wurble wurble sclup," and had to spend three days tied to his bed until the spiders went away. (p. 266)"

"“You gave me wings when you showed me birds,” said Leonard of Quirm. “I just made what I saw.” The rest of the gods said nothing. Like many professionally religious people—and they were pretty professional, being gods—they tended towards unease in the presence of the unashamedly spiritual. (p. 146)"

"On the veldt of Howondaland live the N’tuitif people, the only tribe in the world to have no imagination whatsoever. For example, their story about the thunder runs something like this: “Thunder is a loud noise in the sky, resulting from the disturbance of the air masses by the passage of lightning.” And their legend “How the Giraffe Got His Long Neck” runs: “In the old days the ancestors of Old Man Giraffe had slightly longer necks than other grassland creatures, and the access to the high leaves was so advantageous that it was mostly long-necked giraffes that survived, passing on the long neck in their blood just as a man might inherit his grandfather’s spear. Some say, however, that it is all a lot more complicated and this explanation only applies to the shorter neck of the okapi. And so it is.” The N’tuitif are a peaceful people, and have been hunted almost to extinction by neighbouring tribes, who have lots of imagination, and therefore plenty of gods, superstitions and ideas about how much better life would be if they had a bigger hunting ground. Of the events on the moon that day, the N’tuitif said: “The moon was brightly lit and from it rose another light which then split into three lights and faded. We do not know why this happened. It was just a thing.” They were then wiped out by a nearby tribe who knew that the lights had been a signal from the god Ukli to expand the hunting ground a bit more. However, they were soon defeated entirely by a tribe who knew that the lights were their ancestors, who lived in the moon, and who were urging them to kill all non-believers in the goddess Glipzo. Three years later they in turn were killed by a rock falling from the sky, as a result of a star exploding a billion years ago. What goes around, comes around. If not examined too closely, it passes for justice. (pp. 129-130)"

"“Are you, er, are you much of a religious man yourself?” said Rincewind as clouds whipped by the window. “I believe all religions do reflect some aspect of an eternal truth, yes,” said Carrot. “Good wheeze,” said Rincewind. “You might just get away with it.” “And you?” said Carrot. “We-ll...you know that religion that thinks that whirling round in circles is a form of prayer?” “Oh, yes. The Hurtling Whirlers of Klatch.” “Mine is like that, only we go more in...straight lines. Yes. That’s it. Speed is a sacrament.” “You believe it gives you some sort of eternal life?” “Not eternal, as such. More...well, just more, really. More life. That is,” Rincewind added, “more life than you would have if you did not go very fast in a straight line. Although curving lines are acceptable in broken country.” Carrot sighed. “You’re just a coward really, aren’t you?” “Yes, but I’ve never understood what’s wrong with the idea. It takes guts to run away, you know. Lots of people would be as cowardly as me if they were brave enough.” (p. 136)"

"Vimes hated and despised the privileges of rank, but they had this to be said for them: At least they meant that you could hate and despise them in comfort. (p. 111)"

"“And now it appears that we have reached what Sergeant Colon persists in referring to as an imp arse.” (p. 130)"

"“Some people say you achieve immortality through your children,” said the minstrel. “Yeah?” said Cohen. “Name one of your great-granddads, then.” (p. 110)"

"As far as Death was aware, the sole reason for any human association with pigs and lambs was as a prelude to chops and sausages. Quite why they should dress up for children's wallpaper as well was a mystery. Hello, little folk, this is what you're going to eat…He felt that if only he could find the key to it, he'd know a lot more about human beings. (p. 339)"

"That’s what prayers are...it’s frightened people trying to make friends with the bully! (p. 140)"

"“Is it just me,” said the minstrel, “or are we missing something here?” “Like what?” demanded Cohen. “Well, these scrolls all tell you how to get to the mountain, a perilous trek that no one has ever survived?” “Yes? So?” “So...um...who wrote the scrolls?” (p. 80)"

"“Oh,” said Rincewind. “You understand?” said Ponder. “No. I was just hoping that if I didn’t say anything you’d stop trying to explain things to me.” (p. 90)"

"Dullness. Only humans could have invented it. What imaginations they had. (p. 339)"

"“Anyway,” Cohen went on, “it dunt matter if someone kills the gods. It does matter that someone tried. Next time, someone’ll try harder.” (p. 141)"

"He was, in fact, functionally literate. That is, he thought of reading and writing like he thought about boots—you needed them, but they weren’t supposed to be fun, and you got suspicious about people who got a kick out of them. (p. 95)"

"You can find your average, amateur killers on every street. They’re mostly deranged or drunk or some poor woman who’s had a hard day and the husband has raised his hand once too often and suddenly twenty years of frustration takes over. Killing a stranger without malice or satisfaction, other than the craftsman’s pride in a job well done, is such a rare talent that armies spend months trying to instill it into their young soldiers. Most people will shy away from killing people they haven’t been introduced to. (p. 134)"

"Are those real mountains or some kind of shadows?"

"“Mission motto, sir,” said Carrot cheerfully. “Morituri Nolumus Mori. Rincewind suggested it.” “I imagine he did,” said Lord Vetinari, observing the wizard coldly. “And would you care to give us a colloquial translation, Mr. Rincewind?” “Er...” Rincewind hesitated, but there really was no escape. “Er...roughly speaking, it means, ‘We who are about to die don’t want to’, sir.” (p. 91)"

"They were...sort of gods, he supposed. They had names like Olk-Kalath the Soul Sucker, but, frankly, the overlap between demons and gods was a bit uncertain at the best of times. (p. 68)"

"“Oh, Mighty One,” he began, always a safe beginning and the religious equivalent of “To Whom It May Concern.” (p. 68)"

"Perdita was horrified. It’ll give them nightmares! No, thought Agnes. It’ll take the nightmares away. Sometimes, everyone has to know the monster is dead, and remember, so that they can tell their grandchildren. (p. 320)"

"The little flickering part of his brain that was still sparking coherent thought through the fog of mind-numbing terror that filled Colon’s head was telling him that he was so far out of his depth that the fish had lights on their noses. (p. 95)"

"“This is all very well, but the form of things is important!” snapped a priest. “We can’t all pray at once! You know the gods don’t like ecumenicalism! And what form of words will we use, pray?” “I would have felt that a short non-controversial—” Hughnon Ridcully paused. In front of him were priests forbidden by holy edict from eating broccoli, priests who required unmarried girls to cover their ears lest they inflame the passions of other men, and priests who worshipped a small shortbread-and-raisin biscuit. Nothing was non-controversial. (p. 63)"

"Thank you. Now...tell me..."

"Rincewind stared at the badge. He’d never had one before. Well, that was technically a lie...he’d had one that said ‘Hello, I Am 5 Today!’, which was just about the worst possible present to get when you are six. (p. 69)"

"“When I pointed out that you were an aristocrat, he—” “I am not an—well, I’m not really a—” “Yes, Your Grace. But if you’ll be advised by me, a lot of diplomacy lies in appearing to be a lot more stupid than you are. You’ve made a good start, Your Grace.” (p. 144)"

"“I don’t think I’ve become old,” said Boy Willie. “Not your actual old. Just more aware of where the next lavatory is.” (p. 46)"

"All right," said Susan, "I'm not stupid. You're saying humans need...fantasies to make life bearable."