"[talking to patient] Well, the first thing I think you should do...is to stop whining about this pathetic loser! You are a tragedy queen! [mocks whining voice] "Steve doesn't like me! Steve doesn't respect me!" I mean, who gives a shit? GET A FUCKING LIFE!"

"(masquerading as a mobster) My name is Ben Sobel... -lioni. Ben Sobellioni. I'm also known as, uh, Benny the Groin, Sammy the Schnozz, Elmer the Fudd, Tubby the Tuba, and once as Miss Phyllis Levine."

"[at Czech border crossing, holding map pretending to be lost tourist, talking to Czech soldiers] We're so goddamn lost. Where the hell is Innsbruck, Austria?"

"Timothy Busfield — Mortar Soldier"

"Robert J. Wilke — General Barnicke"

"Joe Flaherty — Border Guard"

"John Voldstad — Stillman's Aide"

"Lance LeGault — Colonel Glass"

"Roberta Leighton — Anita, Winger's ex-girlfriend"

"Conrad Dunn — Francis "Psycho" Soyer"

"Judge Reinhold — Elmo Blum"

"John Diehl — Howard J. "Cruiser" Turkstra"

"[breaking up a fight] Cut it out! Cut it out! Cut it out! The hell's the matter with you?! Stupid! We're all very different people. We're not Watusi. We're not Spartans. We're Americans, with a capital 'A', huh? You know what that means? Do ya? That means that our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world. We are the wretched refuse. We're the underdog. We're mutts! Here's proof: his nose is cold! But there's no animal that's more faithful, that's more loyal, more loveable than the mutt. Who saw Old Yeller? Who cried when Old Yeller got shot at the end? [raises his hand] Nobody cried when Old Yeller got shot? I'm sure. [hands are reluctantly raised] I cried my eyes out. [even more hands go up] So we're all dogfaces. We're all very, very different, but there is one thing that we all have in common: we were all stupid enough to enlist in the Army. We're mutants. There's something wrong with us, something very, very wrong with us. Something seriously wrong with us! We're soldiers, but we're American soldiers! We've been kickin' ass for 200 years! We're 10 and 1! Now we don't have to worry about whether or not we practiced. We don't have to worry about whether Captain Stillman wants to have us hung. All we have to do is to be the great American fighting soldier that is inside each one of us. Now do what I do, and say what I say. And make me proud. Fall in!"

"John Larroquette — Capt. Stillman"

"Sean Young — Louise Cooper"

"P. J. Soles — Stella Hansen"

"John Candy — Dewey "Ox" Oxberger"

"Warren Oates — Sgt. Hulka"

"Harold Ramis — Russell Ziskey"

"Bill Murray — John Winger"

"The story of a man who wanted to keep the world safe for democracy...and meet girls."

"[after stepping off the bus] Boy, I hope this is the mess hall. [looks at Captain Stillman] How’s it goin’ Eisenhower?"

"I've always been kind of a pacifist. When I was a kid, my father told me, "Never hit anyone in anger, unless you're absolutely sure you can get away with it." I don't know what kind of soldier I'm gonna make, but I want you guys to know that if we ever get into real heavy combat... I'll be right behind you guys. Every step of the way."