"[First Lines; narrating] This is the city, Los Angeles, California, interfacing humanity, representing every race, color, creed, and persuasion, that God, no matter how he is worshipped, chose, in His infinite wisdom, to deposit here, in the cultural nexus of the Pacific Rim. Almost 4 million people work and play here, and like any other place anywhere, there are those who have it and those who want it. Those who have it, enjoy it, no matter how they got it. Those who want it, can get it by attempting to better themselves in a sympathetic community populated by decent citizens cheering them on. Or else, they can try to take it the easy way. Because even in the City of Angels, from time to time, some halos slip. That's where I come in, doing my job to the best of my ability on a daily basis. I'm Joe Friday. I work here. I carry a badge."

"Your attention, please. The story you are about to see is true; the names have been changed to protect the innocent. For example: George Baker is now called "Sylvia Wiss.""

"Lenka Peterson as Granny Mundy"

"Nina Arvesen as Lady Motor Cop"

"Dabney Coleman as Jerry Caesar"

"Juliana Donald as the Zookeeper"

"Alexandra Paul as Connie Swail"

"Kathleen Freeman as Enid Bordne"

"Dan Aykroyd as Sgt. Joe Friday"

"I don't care what undercover rock you crawled out from, there's a dress code for detectives in Robbery-Homicide. Section 3-605. 10. 20. 22. 24. 26. 50. 70. 80. It specifies: clean shirt, short hair, tie, pressed trousers, sports jacket or suit, and leather shoes, preferably with a high shine on them."

"And if I may a toast... to Granny Mundy: may you live as long as you want but never want as long as you live."

"Tom Hanks as Det. Pep Streebek"

"Elizabeth Ashley as Commissioner Jane Kirkpatrick"

"Bruce Gray as Mayor Peter Parvin"

"[going into labour] My plubar has broken,....the birth spasm has begun."

"You know, Connie, I read in a magazine that you can talk to me about anything."

"Highmaster: Let it be written... are you writing this?"

"Maintain low tones with me, maintain low tones."

"[about being stranded on Earth] When the High Master hears of this, he will surely cut off my plargh and hand it to me."

"If, for some reason your life functions ceased, my most precious one, I would collapse, I would draw the shades and I would live in the dark. I would never get out of my slar pad or clean myself. My fluids would coagulate, my cone would shrivel, and I would die, miserable and lonely. The stench would be great."

"Ronnie: [seeing Connie eat] Whoa! My mother is the only one who could take a sandwich like that."

"[to Ronnie] The frightening statistics of young earthlings mangling themselves in internal combustion vehicles on the night of prom ritual makes me insist that you use maximum safety awareness, return at the predesignated time coordinates, and, in fact, take my car. Its reinforced alloy superstructure is far superior to that of your broken down, rusted out shitbox."

"I find you unacceptable! If I did not fear incarceration by human authority figures, I would terminate your life functions by applying sufficient force to your blunt skull so as to cause its collapse!"

"[to Connie, after coming back to Earth] It is not every day a father can give the world to his child."

"Vanessa Angel - Soviet Rocket Crewperson"

"Charles McKeown - Jerry Hadley"

"Edwin Newman - himself"

"[about waiting on his car repairs] Very well. What choice do I have? It is as if you have seized me at the base of my snarglies!"

"Gorman Seedling: You just can't talk religion with some people!"

"Dan Aykroyd - Austin Millbarge"

"Chevy Chase - Emmett Fitz-Hume"

"B.B. King - Ace tomato agent"

"General Sline: When we commissioned the Schmectel Corporation to research this precise event sequence scenario, it was determined that the continual stockpiling and development of our nuclear arsenal was becoming self-defeating. A weapon unused is a useless weapon."

"Donna Dixon - Karen Boyer"

"Bruce Davison - Ruby"

"William Prince - Keyes"

"Karen Boyer: Gentlemen, I think you both should realize the gravity of this moment. I've spent the last two-and-a-half years of my life preparing for this penetration."