"Now let's have some peace and quiet around here, for Christ's sakes! I'm tired! I been under a lot of stress! I lost my wife, I lost my job, and I got some sort of rash from making in the bushes!"

"[Seeing Bonnie for the first time] You know, when I was alive, I would've found her attractive."

"If hate were people, I'd be China!!"

"Charge all this to my Visa [spits out chewing tobacco and it lands on a denim shirt for sale] I'll take that shirt, too."

"What'd ya use for protection, Phil; paper or plastic?"

"TRUSTED us? They don't even KNOW us! They followed us because we yelled "yah!"."

"[while Phil is taking pictures of Mitch getting his butt wound stitched] Phil, let the man keep what's left of his dignity."

"To Curly, as they're delivering a calf.] You know, this was not in the brochure."

"[to a Spanish doctor treating a puncture wound on his buttock] Excuse me, el doctor! Helloooo...? Don't sew anything up that's supposed to remain open, OK?"

"[singing] Rollin', rollin', rollin', keep them dogies rollin', man my ass is swollen, Rawhide! Get 'em up, move 'em out, wake 'em up, get 'em dressed, get 'em shaved, comb their hair, Rawhide! Tie me down, tell me lies, pull my hair, smack my thighs - with a big wet strap of, Rawhide!"

"[to a classroom full of children on Career Day] Value this time in your life kids, because this is the time in your life when you still have your choices, and it goes by so fast. When you’re a teenager you think you can do anything, and you do. Your twenties are a blur. Your thirties, you raise your family, you make a little money and you think to yourself, “What happened to my twenties?” Your forties, you grow a little pot belly, you grow another chin. The music starts to get too loud. One of your old girlfriends from high school becomes a grandmother. Fifties you have a minor surgery. You’ll call it a procedure, but it’s a surgery. Sixties you have a major surgery, the music is still loud, but it doesn’t matter because you can’t hear it anyway. Seventies, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale, start eating dinner at two o'clock in the afternoon, lunch around ten, breakfast the night before. And you spend most of your time wandering around malls looking for the ultimate soft yogurt and muttering “How come the kids don’t call? How come the kids don’t call?” The eighties, you’ve had a major stroke, and you end up babbling to some Jamaican nurse who your wife can’t stand but who you call mama. Any questions?"

"Women need a reason for having sex, men just need a place."

"Let's bring out the cake!"

"I'm a really nice guy. If I had friends you could ask them."

"[depressed and intoxicated] Do I expect too much out of life? [...] I don't ask that much, do I? I mean, I don't ask to be famous, rich, or play center field for the New York Yankees, or anything. I just want to meet a woman. I want to meet a woman. And I wanna fall in love, and I want to get married, and I wanna have a kid, and I wanna go see him play a tooth in the school play. It's not much. But I'm kidding myself. This is never going to happen. I'm gonna grow old, and I'm... grow lonely, and I'm gonna die. And I'll be surrounded by a bunch of rotten fruit."

"Howard Morris - Dr. Zidell"

"Bobby Di Cicco - Jerry"

"Shecky Greene - Mr. Buyrite"

"Richard B. Shull - Dr. Ross"

"Dody Goodman - Mrs. Stimler"

"John Candy - Freddie Bauer"

"Eugene Levy - Dr. Walter Kornbluth"

"Daryl Hannah - Madison"

"Tom Hanks - Allen Bauer"

"She was the woman of Allen's dreams. She had large dark eyes, a beautiful smile, and a great pair of fins."

"Allen Bauer thought he'd never find the right woman... He was only half wrong!"

"Two days ago, this girl showed up naked at the Statue of Liberty. For Allen Bauer, it was love at first sight. Now, everyone is chasing her... trying to prove she's a mermaid. From the first laugh, you'll be hooked."

"Stan: Welcome to the Statue of Liberty. The statue is a gift from French citizens that has come to symbolize hope for naked women everywhere."

"Freddie: [excitedly waves an issue of Penthouse magazine] They published my letter. Here it is, "A lesbian no more". They published my letter."

"It just so happens I come from a very long line of married people."

"I was right. Behold, the mermaid!"

"I suppose you're just some harmless beachcomber who happens to wear a tuxedo! How dare you try and horn in on someone else's research!"

"[while standing naked in a tank with wires trailing from his body] I am not a fish! How many times do I have to tell you people that? Now, will you just let me outta here? Please? Huh? People?"

"[to Dottie] You ever hear Dad introduce us to people? "This is our daughter Dottie, and this is our other daughter, Dottie's sister." Should've just had you and bought a dog!"

"To achieve the incredible you have to attempt the impossible."

"There's no crying in baseball!"

"This summer, Tom Hanks and the Rockford Peaches prove that a woman's place is at home...first, second & third."

"Once in a lifetime you get a chance to do something different."

"A woman's place is on home, first, second, and third."

"[to the Peaches' homely chaperone] By the way, I loved you in the Wizard of Oz."

"Tom Hanks - Jimmy Dugan"

"Geena Davis - Dottie Hinson"

"Lori Petty - Kit Keller"

"Jon Lovitz - Ernie Capadino"

"Madonna (entertainer) - Mae Mordabito"