"[Leaving a message] I'll be in the neighborhood later on, and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get some frozen yogurt, or perhaps a whole meal of food, if that would be agreeable. Dammit. [Calls back] This is Frank Ricard..."

"Ah Denver, The sunshine state... Denver?! Gorgeous!"

"This is my house. I live here, Beanie. I'm 30 years old. None of us are enrolled in the college."

"All I want to do is get some fucking sleep."

"At this point, you might be asking yourself, "Why am I holding this 30-pound cinder block in my hands?" You might also ask yourself, "Why does this cinder block have a long piece of string tied to it?" And finally, "Why is the other end of this string tied securely to your penis?""

"True love is hard to find. Sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show, ready to double-team your girlfriend..."

"Matt Walsh - Walsh"

"Seann William Scott - Peppers"

"Elisha Cuthbert - Darcie"

"Craig Kilborn - Mark"

"Perrey Reeves - Marissa Jones"

"Leah Remini - Lara Campbell"

"Juliette Lewis - Heidi"

"Ellen Pompeo - Nicole"

"Jeremy Piven - Dean Gordon 'Cheese' Pritchard"

"Vince Vaughn - Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell"

"Will Ferrell - Frank 'The Tank' Ricard"

"Luke Wilson - Mitch Martin"

"Why do men act like boys? Because they can."

"All the fun of college, none of the education."

"Dean Pritchard: I'm sorry is that funny? Are you a standup comic, is that what you do now? This is me leaving. This is me leaving."

"Booker: We've been waiting all semester for you to ask us."

"Gordon Pritchard: Half these guys don't even go here and that one guy is like ninety."

"Mark: [after being caught with another woman] What are you gonna do? Tell on me? You know you can't buddy. It's guy code. That's something chicks do. You're not a chick are you? Ok. Good talk. I'll see you out there."

"Mark: [to little girl] This is yesterday's paper. When are you going to use your goddamn brains for once in your life? Hello. What are you retarded?"

"Wedding Singer: [singing] Fuckin' every now and then I fall apart and I need you now tonight. I fuckin' need you more than ever."

"Waiter: You are beautiful. But no offense, he, he is the king. You are having coffee and pie with a living legend."

"Waiter: And don't worry. For the Godfather, it's always on the house."

"Waiter: Love, it's a motherfucker, huh?"

"Who's hungry? Who's hungry?"

"What are you doing? You're like Romulus sucking on the tit of the Motherwolf. If you know your Greek mythology."

"Ok ladies, the secret to a good BJ is focus. I don't care if we're talking about your husband of ten years or some hot sailor you met at TGI Fridays, who didn't call me back.."

"You can use a little teeth but we don't want to be a biter. Now ladies these carrots are not gonna ejaculate themselves. Get into it!"

"Oh, that's funny to you? You won't be laughing when someone prematurely pops in your face. It stings. And that is now why I have a lazy eye."

"When I get back I'm going to show you something I like to call crouching tiger, hidden penis. [takes a drink of the water] You know I really liked that movie, 'cause of all the flying and the magic."

"He left me with a little something called herpes. Which I then gave to the dog. But that's neither here nor there."

"Columbus wasn’t exactly looking for America, but that seemed to work out for everyone."

"[While performing the iron cross and smoking a cigarette] Still holding! STILL HOLDING!"

"No. That's a piece of crap. What? We stopped selling that six months ago. Lotta Complaints, nice gesture though, I think."

"You're the lady, Marissa! High five."

"Mitch is a lawyer, buddy. He'll find a way out for us."

"Good luck to everybody. Nice to know you all and I'll see you around campus."

"Don't beat yourself up over this, Mitch. It's not your fault. Dammit, Blue was old. That's what old people do. They die."

"What about Mitch here? He saw the wheels come off his life, guys. His whole world crumbled. Now he's the Godfather."

"That party that we had last night has given us a lot of street cred."