"Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men — how about "New Car Interior"?"

"Nobody is really happy with what's on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald people want everyone to be blind."

"I don't even know how this word came into being: "aerobics". I guess gym instructors got together and said, "If we're going to charge ten dollars an hour, we can't call it 'jumping up and down'.""

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."

"Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary; the baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I'd have a baby if it would develop in my handbag."

"[One of my friends] was in labor for 36 hours. (I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.)"

"We did long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we decided to buy a dog. Cheaper, and… get more feet."