""I'm going to be all over this guy, just like the melted cheddar cheese all over this mesquite chicken with bacon sandwich" (Aziz Ansari as Cannonball)"

""I'm the kind of astronaut that murders for sport." (Rob Huebel as Cliff Tarpey)"

""You know, you can't get pregnant on the moon." (Rob Huebel as Cliff Tarpey)"

""What John and Scott don't understand is that when you cover the human eye... like this... seeing becomes virtually impossible. And walking? Well, that's literally impossible." (Rob Huebel as Dr. Sanjay Gupta)"

""Thanks for the coffee you piece of shit! You just got swindled!" (Aziz Ansari as Jimmy Norville)"

""There are over 1,200 different organs in the human body. Of these, the eye is not only the largest, but the number one sight giving organ." (Rob Huebel as Dr. Sanjay Gupta)"

""People say, 'Clell, Clell! You got blood on your hands!' Yeah, well I got gold records on my wall...And I got blood on my hands." (Aziz Ansari as Clell Tickle)"

"Jennifer Lang: Hillary Clinton said that her faith got her through her marriage crisis. Bill Clinton said that Faith also got him through his marriage crisis, although he can't remember Faith's last name."

"Kurt McNally: Reverend Al Sharpton claims that Paris Hilton's early release from jail smacks of "racial favoritism". Paris Hilton's two-letter response was "O.J.""

"Dennis Miller: Relax, we'll replace oil when we need to. American ingenuity will kick in, and the next great fortune will be made. It's not pretty, but it is historically accurate. We need to run out of oil first. And that's why I drive an SUV -- so we run out of it more quickly. I consider myself to be at the vanguard of the environmental movement. And I think individuals who insist on driving hybrids are just prolonging our dilemma, and I think that's just selfish. Come on, don't you care about Mother Earth?"

"Kurt McNally: After weeks of heated negotiations, the House finally abandoned the idea to a time line and agreed to President Bush's war funding bill. This is considered the biggest Democratic collapse since Nancy Pelosi's face lift gave out."

"Lorenzo Lamas: ...I'm saying that Muslim terrorists destroyed the Trade centers"

"Grumpy Boogie: I don't like Noogie Boogie! And I don't their Noogie music with their porch Noogie jungle Boogie beats!"

"Chauncey: I'm gonna' kill you Middle America, when you most expect it! I'm gonna' cut the brakes on your balloon!"

"I'm glad Hurricane Katrina happened. It taught us an important lesson: black people can't swim."

"It's got so bad, Mexico sent us help!"

"Hurricane Katrina was caused by political correctness. I said it!"

"Why are we rebuilding New Orleans? Whose idea was this, Aquaman?"

"I'm not an evil person, I'm not an evil person. I feel very bad for the people in New Orléans like the sick people, the poor people, the elderly, those people couldn't get out. But let's talk about the dumbasses who are still there but the ones who are going 'I'm not gonna leave! I'm not gonna leave! Because I'm going to stay here and protect my TV!' Listen, you fucking idiot: unless you have a plasma that got wet by this much water I suggest you get the fuck out of your house right now, you understand me?"

"Mencia: A family is suing Seaworld because they found their 27 year old son, dead and naked, in Shamu's pen. Look if you're 27 and you're still living at home with your mom and dad you need to kill yourself. (The lawsuit also contends that the gifts at the gift shop don't show the nature of these vicious animals.) Yeah, what part of the words "killer whale" do you not understand. If I told you there were some killer Mexicans living next door you wouldn't want to hang out with them. "But Judge Carlos, I thought Shamu loves everybody." He does...FOR DINNER. Can I get an amen? What do you say, ghost of Johnny Cochran?"

"Mencia: And for all of you at home, you are all welcome to visit my store. You are also welcome to park off you motherparking parks, and go park yourself. But remember, don't park in a handicapped spot."

"Oh Vishnu, I am about to go against all of your teachings. PLEASE FORGIVE ME! If you had a personal trainer, you would probably eat him. I know there is a skinny person inside every fat one, but it looks like you have the whole cast of America's Next Top Model inside of there. I hope I am reincarnated as your feet, so that you'll never see me again! ...I apologize, I must apologize! I should not have insulted you, because in my religion, cows are sacred! So take my cheese and your magazine and get the park out of my store!"

"Oh Rama, here I go again! Listen to you, sounding like Death Vader. You people need cigarettes as much as this country needs another C-average President. Plus you look like a human Pez dispenser! Here are your cigarettes, and here is some gum so you can blow bubbles for that WEIRD-ASS HOLE YOU HAVE IN YOUR NECK. And here are some batteries, for your creeping-me-out machine. Now get the park out of my store! I hope I am reincarnated as a turtleneck... I like to tank you for getting that joke!"

"Woman: Fifty lottery tickets, please."

"Great soul of Gandhi, cover your ears. You will not want to hear this! Listen, you inbred piece of Ku Klux Krap! You white people love to be racist, but the only races you can tell apart are Indianapolis and Daytona. I hope I am reincarnated as toothpaste, so I never have to see you again. Now take your twelve-pack of wife-beating juice and get the park out of my store!"

"(sings) Three dollar tip? ACHMED, KISS MY ASS! You charge more for a Gallon of GAS!"

"Barkeep: "And if that doesn't work, here's some Vaseline and tissues on the house!""

"Mexico sent 39 trucks filled with Mexican soldiers to help out the cause. Now, first of all, they said it was 39 trucks and 180 soldiers. I'm a beaner, and I'm telling you white people, that's a bullsh*t number right off the bat! There's at least a thousand beaners there right now!"

"Dos tequilas for the table por favor, both of them for the lady."

"Friends? I see... I have the perfect song for you. (sings) "No one with a penis is really your friend, they say they are but it's all pretend, he listens to your problems every time he phones you, but he's really not, he just wants to bone you!""

"(Through megaphone)Attention people sleeping in that apartment block! Get the f*ck up and get a job!"

"Now I admit I like Gold Digger, but Kanye West is a crazy nigga."

"(from "The Stereotype Song") Jews love bagels and they love money/I am Mexican, I'm so funny."

"Why are we rebuilding New Orleans? Whose idea was this, f***ing Aquaman?"

"When white people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're homeless. When black people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're called rappers."

"When white people eat potato chips, they're called white people. When black people eat potato chips, they're called niggas."

"Here's how it works: Mexican people are called beaners, okay? I said it! That's right, I said it! I am a funny motherf***er!"

"I'm the only person on Earth who's not afraid to admit that black people are better dancers than white people! I said it, I said it! You were all thinking it, I said it!"

"Why did the 14-year old Mexican girl end up pregnant? Because her teacher told her to go do an essay. (ése)"

"I'll admit it, the Holocaust was definitely a bad thing, but do we really need Jewish people around? They have big noses. I said it! I said it!"

"'Achmed' - Well why don't you check the Hispanics, is it because you're Hispanic?"

"'Achmed' - Well why don't you check the white people?"

"'Achmed' - Why don't you check the black people?"