Mind of Mencia

"Dee Dee Dee!"

"If you don't believe that God has a sense of humor, tomorrow go to Walmart and just LOOK AT PEOPLE!"

"(on Easter) By the way, what do eggs have to do with Jesus Christ?"

"(pulling on the fat on his chin) That's Chunky Monkey ice cream!!!"

"(from Carlosaurus Rex) Whether you're black or white, Uzbeki or Jew...you're probably an asshole too."

"When a black person has no electricity, no water, they call it the ghetto. When white people have no electricity and no water, they call it camping."

"If you ain't laughing, you ain't living, baby."

"'Achmed' - Why don't you check the women?"

"'Achmed' - Why don't you check the black people?"

"'Achmed' - Well why don't you check the white people?"

"'Achmed' - Well why don't you check the Hispanics, is it because you're Hispanic?"

"I'll admit it, the Holocaust was definitely a bad thing, but do we really need Jewish people around? They have big noses. I said it! I said it!"

"Why did the 14-year old Mexican girl end up pregnant? Because her teacher told her to go do an essay. (ése)"

"I'm the only person on Earth who's not afraid to admit that black people are better dancers than white people! I said it, I said it! You were all thinking it, I said it!"

"Here's how it works: Mexican people are called beaners, okay? I said it! That's right, I said it! I am a funny motherf***er!"

"When white people eat potato chips, they're called white people. When black people eat potato chips, they're called niggas."

"When white people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're homeless. When black people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're called rappers."

"Why are we rebuilding New Orleans? Whose idea was this, f***ing Aquaman?"

"(from "The Stereotype Song") Jews love bagels and they love money/I am Mexican, I'm so funny."

"Now I admit I like Gold Digger, but Kanye West is a crazy nigga."

"(Through megaphone)Attention people sleeping in that apartment block! Get the f*ck up and get a job!"

"Friends? I see... I have the perfect song for you. (sings) "No one with a penis is really your friend, they say they are but it's all pretend, he listens to your problems every time he phones you, but he's really not, he just wants to bone you!""

"Dos tequilas for the table por favor, both of them for the lady."

"Barkeep: "And if that doesn't work, here's some Vaseline and tissues on the house!""

"(sings) Three dollar tip? ACHMED, KISS MY ASS! You charge more for a Gallon of GAS!"

"Great soul of Gandhi, cover your ears. You will not want to hear this! Listen, you inbred piece of Ku Klux Krap! You white people love to be racist, but the only races you can tell apart are Indianapolis and Daytona. I hope I am reincarnated as toothpaste, so I never have to see you again. Now take your twelve-pack of wife-beating juice and get the park out of my store!"

"Woman: Fifty lottery tickets, please."

"Oh Rama, here I go again! Listen to you, sounding like Death Vader. You people need cigarettes as much as this country needs another C-average President. Plus you look like a human Pez dispenser! Here are your cigarettes, and here is some gum so you can blow bubbles for that WEIRD-ASS HOLE YOU HAVE IN YOUR NECK. And here are some batteries, for your creeping-me-out machine. Now get the park out of my store! I hope I am reincarnated as a turtleneck... I like to tank you for getting that joke!"

"Oh Vishnu, I am about to go against all of your teachings. PLEASE FORGIVE ME! If you had a personal trainer, you would probably eat him. I know there is a skinny person inside every fat one, but it looks like you have the whole cast of America's Next Top Model inside of there. I hope I am reincarnated as your feet, so that you'll never see me again! ...I apologize, I must apologize! I should not have insulted you, because in my religion, cows are sacred! So take my cheese and your magazine and get the park out of my store!"

"Mencia: And for all of you at home, you are all welcome to visit my store. You are also welcome to park off you motherparking parks, and go park yourself. But remember, don't park in a handicapped spot."

"Mencia: A family is suing Seaworld because they found their 27 year old son, dead and naked, in Shamu's pen. Look if you're 27 and you're still living at home with your mom and dad you need to kill yourself. (The lawsuit also contends that the gifts at the gift shop don't show the nature of these vicious animals.) Yeah, what part of the words "killer whale" do you not understand. If I told you there were some killer Mexicans living next door you wouldn't want to hang out with them. "But Judge Carlos, I thought Shamu loves everybody." He does...FOR DINNER. Can I get an amen? What do you say, ghost of Johnny Cochran?"

"I'm not an evil person, I'm not an evil person. I feel very bad for the people in New Orléans like the sick people, the poor people, the elderly, those people couldn't get out. But let's talk about the dumbasses who are still there but the ones who are going 'I'm not gonna leave! I'm not gonna leave! Because I'm going to stay here and protect my TV!' Listen, you fucking idiot: unless you have a plasma that got wet by this much water I suggest you get the fuck out of your house right now, you understand me?"

"Why are we rebuilding New Orleans? Whose idea was this, Aquaman?"

"Hurricane Katrina was caused by political correctness. I said it!"

"It's got so bad, Mexico sent us help!"

"I'm glad Hurricane Katrina happened. It taught us an important lesson: black people can't swim."

"Mexico sent 39 trucks filled with Mexican soldiers to help out the cause. Now, first of all, they said it was 39 trucks and 180 soldiers. I'm a beaner, and I'm telling you white people, that's a bullsh*t number right off the bat! There's at least a thousand beaners there right now!"