"Mrs. Hefsteder: Three years ago our Johnny died. We thought there was no hope, but then we discovered the United Appeal for the Dead. They showed us that despite Johnny's handicap, he could still be a useful member of our family and the community. Our United Appeal for the Dead caseworker showed us that the absence of life from Johnny's body didn't have to mean his absence from our daily lives."

"Pennington: Klahn has been connected with every sort of nefarious activity. You name it - opium, weapons traffic, assassination, motion picture distribution..."

"Game Show Announcer: Guard number one is a senior on Klahn's mountain, and aspires to be a research chemist. Welcome, please, Hung Well! Guard number two is a real skating buff. A warm welcome for Long Wang! Traveling comes naturally to guard number three, as he's a licensed airplane pilot. Welcome, please, Enormous Genitals!"

"Announcer: It's been said that the test of a man's courage is how he performs in the face of danger. Well, in the next half hour, you're gonna meet a very unique breed of cat. The kind of man who doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. Rex Kramer, part-time airline mechanic, full-time daredevil. A man willing to risk his life for the sake of adventure. He has to chase it, confront it, and whip it. Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker!"

"Loo: What was that? This is not a chawade. We need total concentwation."

"A.M. Newscaster: It's 19 minutes after the hour, and now it's time for our daily feature The Astrological Hour. A quick reminder these reports are not intended to foster belief in astrology, but merely to support people who cannot take responsibility for their own lives."

"Argon Spokesman: At Argon, we're working to keep your money!"

"Argon Spokesman: Here at our multi-billion dollar refinery in Fairbanks, we're extracting 2.5 billion barrels of crude oil each day from teenagers' faces."

"Rams plagued by fumbles as earthquakes rock Los Angeles, film at eleven."

"Moscow in flames, missiles headed to New York, film at eleven."

"I'm not wearing any pants, film at eleven."

"The popcorn you are eating has been pissed in, film at eleven."

"It is also important to know what to do you when you die. 1) Don't try to drive a car. 2) Do not operate heavy machinery. 3) Do not talk."

"In the past year, over 800,000 Americans have died. Despite millions of dollars of research, death continues to be our nation's number one killer."

"Although, so far there's no known treatment for death's crippling effects, still everyone can acquaint himself with the three early warning signs of death: one, rigor mortis; two, a rotting smell; three, occasional drowsiness."

"No! Not water! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ohhh! I'm melting! I'm melting! What a world, what a world! It was a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude!"

"[telephone rings, answering machine picks up] Herro. This is Dr. Klahn. I'm not home right now. Leave a message when you hear the beep. You have our gratitude. [gong sound]"

"We are building a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude. We forge our spirits in the tradition of our ancestors. You have our gratitude."

"[after decapitating a prisoner] Now take him to be tortured!"

"Brutal! Savage! Beyond Perversion!"

"Never before has the beauty of the sexual act been so crassly exploited!"

"Do my balls, Mama!"

"Paul Swift - The Egg Man"

"Cookie Mueller - Cookie"

"Channing Wilroy - Channing"

"Edith Massey - Edie"

"Danny Mills - Crackers"

"Mink Stole - Connie Marble"

"Mary Vivian Pearce - Cotton"

"David Lochary - Raymond Marble"

"Divine - Divine / Babs Johnson"

"The filthiest people alive! Their loves, their hates and their unquenchable thirst for notoriety!"

"An exercise in poor taste."

"Cotton: Murder merely relieves tension."

"Birthday Card: Happy birthday, fatso."

"Edie: Eggs! Eggs! Eggs!"

"Cookie: I may have to degrade myself in front of Divine's son. He's into a very strange sex scene."

"Sandy Sandstone: Eat the bird, bitch!"

"How can a couch be out of order?!"

"Oh I love you Raymond. I love you more than anything in this whole world! I love you even more than my own filthiness! More than my hair color! More than the sound of bones breaking! The sounds of death rattles! Even more than my own SHIT do I love you, Raymond!"

"Babs Johnson, oh what a stupid fucking name! She sounds like a chimpanzee on a tire swing."

"We'll see who's the filthiest person alive! We'll JUST SEE!"

"I guess there's just two kinds of people, Miss Sandstone, my kind of people, and assholes. It's rather obvious which category you fit into."

"Mink Stole - Peggy Gravel"