"[To Damien's platoon] You'll speak only when spoken to. And you'll listen to every word I say. I intend to shine in my new job, and the only way I can do that is by making you shine. You're the little unit I have to polish until the glare of your achievements blinds everybody on this parade ground."

"Lee Grant - Ann Thorn"

"Be proud of your accomplishments. Pride's all right when there's reason to be proud."

"Abe Gibron - Himself"

"Ed O'Bradovich - Himself"

"Dick Butkus - Himself"

"Robert Foxworth - Paul Buher"

"James Caan - Brian Piccolo"

"Billy Dee Williams - Gale Sayers"

"Narrator: Ernest Hemingway once said "Every true story ends in death." Well, this is a true story."

"Jack Warden - Coach George Halas"

"[accepting the George S. Halas award] I'd like to tell you about a guy I know, a friend of mine. His name is Brian Piccolo. And he has the heart of a giant, and that rare form of courage that allows him to kid himself and his opponent, cancer. He has a mental attitude that makes me proud to have a friend who spells out the world 'courage,' 24 hours a day, every day of his life. Now you honor me by giving me this award. But I say to you here now Brian Piccolo is the man who deserves the George S. Halas award. It is mine tonight... and Brian Piccolo's tomorrow. I love Brian Piccolo. And I'd like all of you to love him too. And so tonight, when you hit your knees, please ask God to love him."

"So, Concannon calls this trap play, and it's just beautiful... 43 yards, wasn't it 43? Ah. So, Halas sees he's tired, and sends me in, so I go in, he comes out. Concannon then figures he's gonna get REALLY foxy... you know, Concannon is... So, he says, "Um, same play. VERY SAME PLAY." Now, a trap play is also called, a SUCKER play, because it makes the defense look REAL bad when it works. Now, defenses DO NOT like to look real bad, see... it makes 'em kinda surly... So, anyway, all the linemen go this way, and it's like I am lookin' at a team portrait of the Los Angeles Rams! "Hey, Deacon! Merlin! How's the family, Rosey?""

"Shelley Fabares - Joy Piccolo"

"Brian Piccolo died of cancer at the age of 26. He left a wife and three daughters. He also left a great many loving friends who miss and think of him often. But when they think of him, it's not how he died that they remember - but how he lived. How he did live!"

"Uh, you uh, all know that we hand out a game ball to the outstanding player. Well, I'd like to change that. We just got word that Brian Piccolo is - that's he's sick, very sick. And, uh, it looks, uh, like he might never play football again, or, uh, a long time. And, I think we should dedicate ourselves to, uh, give our maximum effort to win this game and give the game ball to 'Pic'. We can all sign it. And take it up. Aw, sh—Oh, my God."

"Judy Pace - Linda Sayers"

"Bernie Casey - J.C. Caroline"

"David Huddleston - Ed McCaskey"

"Ron Feinberg - Doug Atkins"

"Jack Concannon - Himself"

"Christopher Plummer - Sir Charles Lytton"

"Catherine Schell - Lady Claudine Lytton"

"Herbert Lom - Chief Insp. Charles Dreyfus"

"Burt Kwouk - Cato Fong"

"HE'S BACK...no risk is too daring...No caper is too exotic...No crime is too dangerous."

"Peter Sellers - Insp. Jacques Clouseau"

"I arrest you, Sir Charles Phantom, the notorious pink Lytton."

"Now he's off to Gstaad. Today... a paradise in the Swiss Alps; tomorrow... a wasteland! Compared to Clouseau, Attila the Hun was a Red Cross volunteer!"

"I did not know the bank was being robbed because I was engaged in my sworn duty as a police officer."

"[to Francois, after accidentally shooting himself in the face] Don't just stand there, idiot. Call a doctor, and then help me find my nose!!"

"Valet, this is Inspector Clouseau. Please send up my... well, please send down my brown suit immediately. As quick as you can. Quicker, please!"

"[after inadvertently destroying much of the hotel he is in]: I must leave. Zis Hotel is deteriorating rapidly."

"I am a musician and the monkey is a businessman. He doesn't tell me what to play, and I don't tell him what to do with his money."

"[to a taxi driver]: Follow that car! [driver gets out of the taxi and follows the car]"

"You fool! You raving Oriental idiot! There is a time and a place for everything, Cato! ...and this is it!!"

"I see you are familiar with the falling-down-on-the-floor ploy."

"You can rest assured that there's trouble, because Inspector Clouseau is on the case. (That's the trouble.)"

"Don Dunphy - Himself"

"Roger Grimsby - Himself"

"Howard Cosell - Himself"

"Dan Frazer - Priest"

"Woody Allen - Fielding Mellish"

"Louise Lasser - Nancy"

"Today's top stories: The United States government brings charges against Fielding Mellish as a subversive impostor, New York garbage men are striking for a better class of garbage, and the National Rifle Association declares death a good thing."

"Carlos Montalban - Gen. Emilio M. Vargas"

"Although the United States is, uh, a very rich country and San Marcos is a very poor one, there are a great many things we have to offer your country in return for aid. For instance, there, uh, there are locusts. Uh, we have more locusts than...uh, locusts of all races and creeds. These, these locusts, incidentally, are available at popular prices. And so, by the way, are most of the women of San Marcos...despite the tiny size of our nation, few people realize that we lead the world in hernias. They also fail to realize that before Columbus discovered your country, he stopped in San Marcos and contracted a disease which today can be cured with one shot of penicillin."

"We fell in love. I fell in love - she just stood there."

"David Ortiz - Sanchez"

"Can you believe that? She says I'm not leader enough for her. Who was she looking for, Hitler?"