Screenwriters From The United States

"I'm not anti-Semitic. My Gospels are not anti-Semitic. I've shown it to many Jews and they're like, it's not anti-Semitic. It's interesting that the people who say it's anti-Semitic say that before they saw the film, and they said the same thing after they saw the film."

"[On the number of victims in the Holocaust] I mean when the war was over they said it was 12 million. Then it was six. Now it’s four. I mean it’s that kind of numbers game The Second World War killed tens of millions of people. Some of them were Jews in concentration camps. Many people lost their lives. In the Ukraine, several million starved to death between 1932 and 1933. During the last century, 20 million people died in the Soviet Union. Nobody wants to have their name, you know, besmirched on the front of newspapers and people say wicked things about them and their family and call them all sorts of names, accuse them of being anti-Semitic and everything else. I mean that’s not part of my design. I don’t enjoy experiencing that. That’s just coming from some place that I have no control over."

"The precursors to a civilization that’s going under are the same, time and time again. … What's human sacrifice if not sending guys off to Iraq for no reason?"

"If you're going to wear three hats, you'd better grow two more heads."

"There is no salvation for those outside the Church [...] I believe it."

"[On criticism of Catherine Emmerich, the 19th century Augustinian nun whose visions greatly influenced Gibson's film The Passion of the Christ] Why are they calling her a Nazi? ... Because modern secular Judaism wants to blame the Holocaust on the Catholic Church. And it's a lie. And it's revisionism. And they've been working on that one for a while."

"Everything is being televised so you won't be able to tell where the Revolution is. "Who's revolting? Well, I don't know, what's on the other channel?""

"[In response to having being referred to as schizophrenic] Well, that is clearly not my mental illness; I am Bipolar-II — which is the new gladiator sandal! Schizophrenia is, of course, hearing voices— not doing voices."

"Over seven thousand US veterans die of suicide every year, which is funny... [false laughter]... because you'd think they'd die over there, but they come home! Right? I thought that must be funny, because nobody was taking it that seriously."

""Oh, but I've done some other unforgivable, unspeakable thing"? Google it. There's seven billion of us. Somebody has done exactly what you have done, and is currently on a book tour. You're never alone!"

"[singing the song her therapist told her to improvise in order to "let her anxieties out"] If I keep the kitchen floor clean, no one will die!"

"(singing) Old McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O!/"

"I've never really thought of myself as depressed so much as I am paralyzed by hope."

"Time flies when you are anxious!"

"I love my country, but maybe that's because I'm white and rich. I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit, that I refuse to share with others."

"I wish I'd get mad about something that actually, you know, kinda mattered. Go in Target and be like: "You know what? If you can't help me, then I need to speak to someone who can, because this is a three dollar pair of flip-flops made by a 5-year-old Guatemalan girl, and I'm not leaving until she gets benefits and an education under the NAFTA Fair Trade Agreement. You better go get a manager. This could take awhile.""

"There's a lot of mental illness in my family. So, if you catch schizophrenia, get four boxes of Mike and Ikes, a Bible, and a cage. Wait it out."

"I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others."

"S-s-sure I'll join your cult. [nervous smile]"

"[impersonating her mother] Now, Maria, if a boy doesn't like you, I would just like you to know that he is intimidated by your beauty, because you are the most beautiful girl in the whole world and if you would stop doing impersonations of me I think other people would see that..."

"My old lip color could barely keep up with my busy schedule. In the time it takes to notice the wide discrepancy between my salary and that of my male peers, I'd have to reapply! In the seconds to count the number of women in high political office, seated on corporate executive boards and featured in film and television over the age of 40, my lip color would be as invisible as this glass ceiling only inches above my head! L'Oreal. Because I am worth it. And because holding myself to an impossible standard of beauty keeps me from starting a riot!"

"[when the bank calls:] "Chase Bank, I'm self-employed, how long do you want to stay on the phone?""

"She said I was afraid of success, which may in fact be true, because I have a feeling that fufilling my potential would really cut into my sittin' around time."

"I do wanna get married. It just sounds great. You get to go grocery shopping together, rent videos, and the kissing and the hugging and the kissing and the hugging under the cozy covers. Mmmm! But sometimes I worry that I don't wanna get married as much as I want to get dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough. That might feel pretty good, too."

"I'm not looking for much [in a guy], I just want, like, a really nice guy who has, you know, like a job... and the missing half of this golden amulet."

"Troy: I'm actor Troy McClure. You might remember me from such TV series as "Buck Henderson, Union Buster" and "Troy and Company's Summertime Smile Factory". Today I'm here to tell you about "Spiffy.", the 21st century stain remover. Let's meet the inventor, Dr. Nick Riviera."

"At first you think, 'Gosh, monkeys, that's so kind of incredible … But you started to kind of feel a little bit, not competitive with the monkeys, but that they weren't really — they didn't really have your best interests at heart.They aren't these … They want to replace you. They're not that impressed with the opposable thumbs.'"

"Troy: Welcome to the Knowledgeum, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such automated information kiosks as "Welcome to Springfield Airport" and "Where's Nordstrom?" While you're enjoying our Hall of Wonders, your car unfortunately will be subject to repeated break-ins and... [Fades]"

"I just like the themes it's exploring. In the way my character says, "I want us to become brothers again, like we used to be." I really like that line, and it means a lot to me. I just find there's a lot of things like that in this movie that have that feeling. There's stuff that feels exhilarating."

"Troy: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self help films as "Smoke Yourself Thin!" and "Get Confident, Stupid!"."

"Troy: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such other medical films as "Mommy, What's On That Man's Face?" and "Alice Doesn't Live Anymore"."

"Drew Barrymore: Eddie Vedder said something like, "The more you're known as a personality, the less you're accepted as an entertainer." Edward Norton: I would agree with that. On the other hand, I hate the "dark prince" act that some actors put on when they're doing publicity. If it's for real, if you're really a dark prince, then don't sit down with an interviewer and act like a dark prince. I don't necessarily love doing these things, but once you've agreed to do them, I think you ought to get on board."

"Troy: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such educational films as "Two Minus Three Equals Negative Fun" and "Firecrackers: The Silent Killer"."

"Lionel: Well, I didn't win. Here's your pizza."

"Lionel: Mrs. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night; the sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it."

"Lionel: I've been getting a lot of calls about you, Marge. People just love your no-pressure approach."

"Troy: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such educational films as Lead Paint: Delicious but Deadly and Here Comes the Metric System!. Today I will be your narrator in this sex-ed film called Fuzzy Bunny's Guide to You-Know-What."

"Lionel: Oh no, we've drawn Judge Schneider."

"Troy: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such other nature films as "Earwigs, Ew." and "Man Vs Nature... The Road To Victory"."

"An all-too-common reaction to something like racism is to hate the act so much you dismiss the person. But in [American History X] you're forced to confront the complexity of the character and his tragedy - and the fact, which people don't want to recognise, that someone like him can come out of a normal middle-class home."

"Lionel: And as for your case, don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in the state. Often as a lawyer."

"[narrating "Sex" by Madonna on tape] I like my vagina. Sometimes I stare at it in the mirror when I'm undressing, and wonder what it would look like without any hair."

"Your world frightens and confuses me."

"Phil Hartman [singing]: I hide behind these wigs and this make-up, but tonight, I'm gonna let myself shine through. They're gonna see the real Phil Hartman, TONIGHT!"

"Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, I'm just a Caveman. I fell in some ice and later got thawed out by your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me. Sometimes the honking horns of your traffic make me want to get out of my BMW and run off into the hills or whatever. Sometimes when I get a message on my fax machine, did little demons get inside and type it? I don't know. My primitive mind can't grasp these concepts."

"Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer (slurring): [Aboard airplane] Stewardess, could you get me another drink?"

"Judge: Did you hear that, Mr. Cirroc?"

"My feeling is that it is film, the responsibility of people making films and people making all art to specifically address dysfunctions in the culture. I think that any culture where the art is not reflecting a really dysfunctional component of the culture, is a culture in denial. And i think that's much more intensely dangerous on lots of levels than considered examinations of those dysfunctions throught art is dangerous."

"I find myself frequently maintaining to any young passer-by upon whose attention I can force myself that a genuinely creative career must like a milking stool stand on three legs. There must be accident, there must be sweat, there must be dissatisfaction. That one must work hard is too obvious for comment here. That one must be endowed with native dissatisfaction is very nearly as obvious, for it is the engine that drives you: dissatisfaction with the world and the arts as you find them, dissatisfaction with your own best efforts to capture the uncapturable. What is not so obvious is the support which one must gain from accident, from those dispositions of wind and stars over which one has no control."

"The philosophy of the impossible has been the dominant motive in human affairs for the past two centuries. We have pursued the mastery of nature as if we ourselves were not a portion of that nature. We have boasted of our command over our physical environment while we ourselves have done our urgent best to destroy it."