"Inside me I'm screaming, nobody pays any attention. If I had arms, I could kill myself. If I had legs, I could run away. If I had a voice, I could talk and be some kind of company for myself. I could yell for help, but nobody would help me."

"If you have come to these pages for laughter, may you find it. If you are here to be offended, may your ire rise and your blood boil. If you seek an adventure, may this song sing you away to blissful escape. If you need to test or confirm your beliefs, may you reach comfortable conclusions. All books reveal perfection, by what they are or what they are not. May you find that which you seek, in these pages or outside them. May you find perfection, and know it by name."

"You should feel what it is like to pleasure a falcon. You lock talons with her in the sky and do it while you both are falling like meteors. You would like it; they never complain if you come too fast."

"You think you know how this story is going to end, but you don't. Trust me, I was there. I know."

"Great heroes have Great horniness."

"Moses should have said "Let my people go. Please.""

"When the oil of the lamp is used up the wanker shall light his own way to salvation."

"There's a game out there, and the stakes are high. And the guy who runs it figures the averages all day long and all night long. Once in a while he lets you steal a pot. But if you stay in the game long enough, you've got to lose. And once you've lost there's no way back, no way at all."

"Fornication with your daughters thats like a double dog sin."

"Remember this well you people who plan for war. Remember this you patriots, you fierce ones, you spawners of hate, you inventors of slogans. Remember this as you have never remembered anything else in your lives. We are men of peace, we are men who work and we want no quarrel. But if you destroy our peace, if you take away our work, if you try to range us one against the other, we will know what to do. If you tell us to make the world safe for democracy we will take you seriously and by god and by Christ we will make it so. We will use the guns you force upon us, we will use them to defend our very lives, and the menace to our lives does not lie on the other side of a nomansland that was set apart without our consent it lies within our own boundaries here and now we have seen it and we know it."

"Put the guns into our hands and we will use them. Give us the slogans and we will turn them into realities. Sing the battle hymns and we will take them up where you left off. Not one, not ten, not ten thousand, not a million, not ten millions, not a hundred millions but a billion, two billions of us all — the people of the world. We will have the slogans and we will have the hymns and we will have the guns and we will use them and we will live. Make no mistake of it, we will live. We will be alive and we will walk and talk and eat and sing and laugh and feel and love and bear our children in tranquillity, in security, in decency, in peace. You plan the wars, you masters of men — plan the wars and point the way and we will point the gun."

"All hail the conquering hero. My best friend betrayed me, so I shot him. Distracted by a kiss, I let the love of my life die."

"I stood in the greeting-card aisle, looking for an appropriate sentiment. Though I searched high and low, there was no "so you're not even human" sympathy card."

"Of course you think someone's trying to kill you, Hal--death is your favorite subject. Why shouldn't someone be trying to kill you?"

"'I thought I put a stake through your heart,' he said. 'I don't hold a grudge,' shrugged Doom."

"...and he died for what?--what thrill?--what cause?--tell me what treasure is worth the oxygen in a good man's brain?"

"Children know precious little, but that profound ignorance comes from profound innocence. People really mean to say that innocence is bliss. And bliss is short-lived."

"He was the epitome of acting out to get attention. I think everyone acknowledged his jokes as a kind of defense mechanism. ('Humor? That's my lizard tail. You can look at that while I run away,' he'd once said.)"

"And love, with a cursive capital 'L,' is merely sleight of hand, doled out by genetic edict in order to keep DNA flowing. It's all genetics. And beyond that, it's all just zeros and ones. But friendship, with an unpretentious lowercase 'f,' is real and right and valuable."

"I felt like taking on the world. I felt more in control than I'd ever been. My partner in this endeavor: the psychotic who just broke my nose."

"'Tell me who I am.' 'Halloween,' she said. I'd been rooting against it, but when the word came, it was almost a relief...Hell, I thought. A rose by any other name. 'And who is that?' 'You are my Lord Halloween, Prince of the Marshes, King of Kadath, High Sovereign of the Orange and Black.'"

"...bright like a fantastically annoying firefly. Was it a firefly? I couldn't see any wings. I took a step back. It floated forward. I thought: I am on some terrible drug."

"Why did it have to be ? Why couldn't it have been hypermnesia? Or ? Or hypochondria?"

"I remember the shock and... ...and nothing. Just the shock."

"I'm not dead. A dim realization but an important one, because I should have died."

"Why, even when I was innocent her hatred of me hurt a good deal. Now that I'm guilty, her belief in me would hurt even more."

"I think it will thrill you. It may shock you. It might even horrify you. So if any of you feel that you do not care to subject your nerves to such a strain, now is your chance to—Well, we warned you."

"You can't murder a man who's been dead for five centuries."

"Possibly there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamed of in your psychiatry, Mr. Garth."

"She was beautiful when she died—a hundred years ago."

"My mind is just as open as it ever was, professor. But it's a scientific mind, and there's no place in it for superstitions."

"Do you believe that the dead can influence the living?... Could you conceive of a superhuman mentality influencing someone from the other side of death?... There is such a one.... Someone, something that reaches out from beyond the grave and fills me with horrible impulses."

"To die, to be really dead, that must be glorious.... There are far worse things awaiting man than death."

"The spider spinning his web for the unwary fly. The blood is the life, Mr. Renfield."

"The strength of the vampire is that people will not believe in him."

"Have you never wanted to do anything that was dangerous? Where should we be if nobody tried to find out what lies beyond? You never wanted to look beyond the clouds and the stars, or to know what causes the trees to bud, and what changes a darkness into light? But if you talk like that, people call you crazy. Well, if I could discover just one of these things—what eternity is, for example—I wouldn't care if they did think I was crazy."

"For one who has not lived even a single lifetime, you are a wise man, Van Helsing."

"You have created a monster and it will destroy you."

"I made him with these hands, and with these hands I'll destroy him."

"The Abbey always reminds me of that old toast, 'Above lofty timbers, the walls around are bare, echoing to our laughter, as though the dead were there.'"

"You do not quite get what I mean. Herr Frankenstein was interested only in human life. First to destroy it, then recreate it. There you have his mad dream."

"Look, it's moving. It's alive, it's alive, it's alive. It's moving. It's alive, it's alive, it's alive, it's alive, it's alive!"

"They're all crazy. They're all crazy except you and me. Sometimes I have me doubts about you."

"I never drink...wine."

"I am Dracula.... I bid you welcome."

"Listen to them. Children of the night, what music they make."

"When girls go wild, they show their tits to people. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub."

"Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, "Ugh" …""

"I'm buying a Cinnabon … at the airport … I arrived at. You understand why that's extra disgusting, right? Because when you're at the airport you're leaving from, you can say, "Oh, I gotta eat. I need some food, because I might be trapped in the sky forever, so I should eat right now." But I've landed. The trip is over. I'm 20 minutes from my house, where I got bananas and apples and shit. And I'm sitting on my luggage just fucking eating a Cinnabon with a fork and knife."

"Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed … into my mouth."