"[Speech to the students of Rushmore Academy] You guys have it real easy. I never had it like this where I grew up. But I send my kids here because the fact is you go to one of the best schools in the country: Rushmore. Now, for some of you it doesn't matter. You were born rich and you're going to stay rich. But here's my advice to the rest of you: Take dead aim on the rich boys. Get them in the crosshairs and take them down. Just remember, they can buy anything but they can't buy backbone. Don't let them forget it. Thank you."

"[to Rosemary] Sic transit gloria. Glory fades. I'm Max Fischer...."

"You think I got kicked out for just the aquarium? Nah, it was the handjob. And you wanna know something else? It was worth it."

"[to Rosemary] Rushmore was my life, now you are."

"I wrote a hit play!"

"Well, tell that stupid mick he just made my list of things to do today."

"[to Rosemary] I'm sorry, I just came by to thank you for WRECKING MY LIFE!"

"[to Rosemary] So we both have dead people in our families."

"[to Dr. Peter] I was punched in the face. What's your excuse?"

"[Introducing his play "Heaven and Hell"] Also, you'll find a pair of safety glasses and some earplugs under your seats. Please feel free to use them."

"I saved Latin. What did you ever do?"