"Two brothers... One speaks no English, the other learned English from watching The Wide World of Sports. So you tell me... Which is better, speaking no English at all, or speaking Howard Cosell?"

"I gotta go, the Christmas tree is on fire. [hangs up the phone.]"

"Gee, I'm really sorry your mom blew up, Ricky. Doctor says she'll be okay, but she won't be able to eat any spicy foods for awhile."

"She only speaks French, Roy. She doesn't speak imbecile."

"Rich Little - Yee Sook Ree, Barney Rubble, Principal on Loudspeaker"

"Daniel Schneider - Ricky Smith"

"Laura Waterbury - Mrs. Smith"

"Diane Franklin - Monique Junot"

"Scooter Stevens - Badger Meyer"

"Demian Slade - Johnny Gasparini"

"Kim Darby - Jenny Meyer"

"David Ogden Stiers - Al Meyer"

"Curtis Armstrong - Charles de Mar"

"John Cusack - Lane Myer"

"I want my two dollars!"

"Teenage life has never been darker...or funnier..."

"Insanity doesn't run in the family, it gallops"

"You've blown up your neighbor's mom. Your seven-year-old brother has better luck with women than you do. Your girlfriend has a new boyfriend. Relax, your never "better off dead"."

"Tree Trimmer: [After Lane falls into a dump truck when trying to commit suicide off of a bridge] Man, that's a real shame when folks be throwin' away a perfectly good white boy like that."

"Barney Rubble: [on TV] Hey there, Lane. I know this is a little awkward, me being a cartoon and all, I was just wondering how you'd feel if I took out Beth? [laughs]"

"Jenny Myer: [ladling an unidentifiable gelatinous substance onto dinner plates] I got the recipe from a magazine. The mail got wet in the rain, so some of the pages ran together, but what I couldn't read I just... improvised with my own little... creative ideas. It's got raisins in it. You like raisins."

"This was some Meet-Cute!"

"Let's get this embarrassment over with."

"Iris, in the movies, we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are the leading lady, but for some reason, you're behaving like the best friend."

"I like this Hugo Boss, he cuts a nice suit!"

"[as Iris drives him home] I've lived here for 47 years. Back then, there were only six houses on this block. Every year, they tear another one down. Not that I blame them. They weren't that great to begin with. But that's how I got confused. I didn't recognize one house."

"So, he's a schmuck."

"[about the Jaws theme] Two notes... and you've got a villain."

"[plays melody he wrote for Iris] Iris, if you were a melody...I used only the good notes."

"The wind...It's what makes it so warm at this time of the year. Legend has it, when Santa Anas blow, all bets are off, anything can happen."

"It's Christmas Eve and we are going to celebrate being young and being alive."

"Is that a trick question?"

"I have another scenario for you – I'm in love with you. I apologize for the blunt delivery, but as problematic as this fact may be, I'm in love... with YOU. I'm not feeling this because you're leaving, and not because it feels good to feel this way... which, by the way, it does, or did before you went off like that. I can't figure out the mathematics of this, I just know I love you. I can't believe how many times I'm saying it! And I never thought I'd feel this way again, so that's pretty phenomenal. And I realize that I come as a package deal: three for the price of one. I know my package, perhaps in the light of day, isn't all that wonderful, but I finally know what I want and that, in itself, is a miracle. And what I want is YOU."

"Long-distance relationships can work, you know."

"I have the classic male problem of no follow-through. Absolutely never remember to call after a date, but as this wasn't a date, I guess I am off the hook."

"I have a cow and I sew. How's that for "hard to relate to"?"

"I'm Mr. Napkin Head!"

"[after seeing the premiere of her new movie trailer, to Iris' dog Charlie] And that is why they pay me the big bucks."

"You know Graham, I just broke up with someone and considering you just showed up and you're insanely good-looking and probably won't remember me anyway...I'm thinking we should have sex...If you want."

"I need some peace and quiet...or whatever it is people go away for."

"I could go with you as like your date or something [to Arthur]."

"Listen... I know it's hard to believe when people say "I know how you feel"... but I actually know how you feel. You see, I was... seeing someone, back in London. We work for the same newspaper. Then I found he was seeing this other girl, Sarah, from the circulation department on the 19th floor. It turned out he wasn't in love with me like I thought. What I'm trying to say is... I understand feeling as small and insignificant as humanely possible. How it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. It doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends, you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell, for that brief moment, you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that... however long "all that" may be... you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted... that will eventually begin to fade."

"Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she's no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and surprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she's not for you."

"You're supposed to be the leading lady in your own life, for God's sake!"

"That would be confusing."