"We're not playing together. But then again, we're not playing against each other either. It's like the Nature Channel. You don't see piranhas eating each other, do you?"

"Do you see what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is?"

"Charlie Sheen — Charlie"

"Mary Kay Place — Floris (Lester's secretary/receptionist)"

"Orson Bean — Dr. Lester"

"John Malkovich — John Horatio Malkovich"

"Catherine Keener — Maxine"

"Cameron Diaz — Lotte Schwartz"

"John Cusack — Craig Schwartz"

"Be All That Someone Else Can Be."

"Ever Wanted To Be Someone Else?"

"Ever wanted to be someone else? Now you can."

"Dr. Lester: Forever doomed to watch the world through someone else's eyes."

"You're nuts to let a girl go that calls you Lotte, I tell you that as a friend."

"Hot lesbian witches! Think about it! It's fucking genius!"

"Maybe she's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover."

"Truth is for suckers, Johnny Boy."

"It's my head, Schwartz! It's my head!"

"That portal is mine, and it must be sealed forever for the love of God!"

"I have been to the dark side. I have seen a world that no man should see."

"Don't stand in the way of my actualization as a man."

"Help! He's locking me in a cage!"

"Sounds great. Who the fuck is John Malkovich?"

"Behind the stubble and the too-prominent brow and the male-pattern baldness... I sensed your feminine longing. And it just slew me."

"Do you have any idea what it's like to have two people look at you, with total lust and devotion, through the same pair of eyes?"

"Maxine. Maxine. I love you, Maxine. Oh, look away. Look away [Looking through Emily's eyes at the end]"

"I'd fuck me. [Watching television documentary on his puppeteering when he's in John Malkovich's body.]"

"Nobody's looking for a puppeteer in today's wintry economic climate."

"I'll be honest. You're not my first choice."

"Joanna Gleeson - Wendy Stern"

"Jerry Orbach - Jack Rosenthal"

"Sam Waterston - Ben"

"Anjelica Huston - Dolores Paley"

"Alan Alda - Lester"

"Mia Farrow - Halley Reed"

"Martin Landau - Judah Rosenthal"

"Woody Allen - Clifford Stern"