"I play the guitar whenever I cannot sleep, and I meditate every morning, complete with chanting and burning incense, so if you have to walk around I'd appreciate a little tiptoeing. Also: I sleep in the nude. "Au buffo." Winter and summer, rain or snow, with the windows open. And because I may have to go to the potty or to the fridge in the middle of the night, and because I do not want to put on jammies which I do not own in the first place, unless you're looking for a quick thrill or your daughter an advanced education I'd keep my door closed."

"Patricia Pearcy - Rhonda"

"Michael Shawn - Ronnie"

"Theresa Merritt - Mrs. Crosby"

"Barbara Rhoades - Donna"

"Paul Benedict - Mark"

"Quinn Cummings - Lucy McFadden"

"Marsha Mason - Paula McFadden"

"Richard Dreyfuss - Elliott Garfield"

"Thank you Neil Simon for making us laugh at falling in love…again."

"You're not the only one who can yell rape, you know."

"You know I love listening to you talk. I hate living with you but your conversation is first rate."

"You know I liked you from the first time I met you when you answered the door. I said to myself, "This is the best half-a-face I ever saw!""

"What is it about you that makes a man with a hundred forty-seven I.Q. feel like a dribbling idiot?"

"My careereth is over. I am making a horseth asseth of myselfeth. Mark, I'm begging you. I'm BEGGING you. You want this kind of performance? Let me play Lady Anne."

"Miss McFadden, today I begin rehearsals for my first New York play. It will be the most important day of my life. Am I nervous? No, I am not nervous. For I have meditated. I am relaxed. I am calm. I am confident. You, on the other hand, have not meditated, and therefore you are a pain in the ass."

""It never occurred to us that William Shakespeare wrote the Wizard of Oz. However, Elliot Garfield makes a splendid Wicked Witch of the North." Tacky. Tacky. Well, if they're gonna kill me. Let 'em kill me with panache."

"If you were a Broadway musical, people would be humming your face."

"I will bring home anyone or anything I chose including a one-eyed Episcopalian Kangaroo if that happens to be my kinky inclination."

"Now why did I do it, Sarah, why did I do it? I could've beat that guy, I could've beat him cold. He never would have known. But I just had to show him. Just had to show those creeps and those punks what the game is like when it's great, when it's really great. You know, like anything can be great, anything can be great. I don't care — brick-laying can be great if a guy knows. If he knows what he's doin' and why and if he can make it come off."

"Vincent Gardenia - Bartender"

"Jake LaMotta - Bartender"

"Michael Constantine - Big John"

"Murray Hamilton - Findley"

"He is great! Geez, that old fat man. Look at the way he moves, like a dancer... And those fingers, them marshmellow fingers. And that stroke, it's like he's, uh, like he's playin' a violin or somethin.'"

"Myron McCormick - Charlie Burns"

"George C. Scott - Bert Gordon"

"Piper Laurie - Sarah Packard"

"Jackie Gleason - Minnesota Fats"

"Paul Newman - "Fast" Eddie Felson"

"Trapped by the underworld . . . they risked love and fortune in a desperate gamble!"

"It delves without compromise into the hungers that lie deep within us all."

"Only the angel who falls knows the depths of hell."

"They called him "Fast Eddie"... He was a winner... He was a loser... He was a hustler."

"A motion picture that probes the stranger... the pick-up... why a man hustles for a buck or a place in the sun!"

"[to Eddie] George Findley is a very rich man. His grandfather left him twenty-five percent of his tobacco company... He's a gentleman. Gentlemen gamble. He gets his kicks playin' a hustler. He's got an old Southern mansion with a pool table in the basement, drinks eight-year-old bourbon, smokes a cork-tipped cigarette... I never saw him play. They say he's one of the best... I've got confidence in Findley... That means I've got confidence that he's a loser, all the way a loser. You happen to be about only one-half loser, the other half winner."

"[After discovering that Charlie kept some money from him] With that fifteen hundred, I could have beat him. That's all I needed, Charlie... You'd love to keep me hustlin' for ya, huh, wouldn't ya? I mean, a couple more years with me scufflin' around in them little towns and those back alleys, you might make yourself enough to get a little pool room back in Oakland, six tables and a handbook on the side... Lay down and die by yourself."

"Bill Murray - Raleigh St. Clair"

"Prized Beagle - Buckley"

"Alec Baldwin - Narrator"

"Danny Glover - Henry Sherman"

"Owen Wilson - Eli Cash"