"Hey, God. I know I haven't asked for a lot in this life. Granted, I was born rich... and white... and a man... and straight. Well, except for that one time in Vegas, but that was Vegas."

"Vin Diesel ain't got shit on me!"

"Jason Bateman - Josh Parker"

"[to the Russian thug whom Carol has pinned against the pool table] You do not want to die at the hands of Lululemon here. It'd be real embarrassing. You're a large guy, and she's made of nothing but salad and Smartwater."

"I gotta tell you, I was always like, "Tracey, this doesn't make any sense," and she was like, "Words, words, words and some numbers." But she did it."

"Olivia Munn - Tracey Hughes"

"T. J. Miller - Clay Vanstone"

"Jennifer Aniston - Carol Vanstone"

"Michael Tourek - Alexei"

"Andrew Leeds - Tim"

"Jimmy Butler - himself"

"Kate McKinnon - Mary Winetoss"

"Adrian Martinez - Larry"

"Erick Chavarria - Alan"

"I'm Amy Mitchell, and I'm a mom. I had my first kid when I was 20 years old, and I've been running late ever since. My days are filled with dropping the kids at school... Love you. ...then racing to work where I have meeting, after meeting, after meeting. I usually end up eating a shitty lunch at my desk, and I try to work out once a week. [sighs] Why do I suck at Zumba? Most days, I race back to school for the kids' plays, and poetry readings and class projects...which I'm always late for. [mouthing] Sorry. And then there's PTA meetings, and volunteering and parent-teacher conferences. Jesus, Miss Wiggins fuckin' hates me. At least once a day, I feel like the worst mom in the world, and I cry in my car. [wailing] Then I shuttle the kids to piano lessons and soccer games and dance classes and doctors' appointments, before my daily trip to the grocery store. Ugh. This chick seems like she's got it all figured out. But I feel like I'm screwing up all the time. Still, I love being a mom."

"First of all, I just wanna say this, that I think that we, as moms, do way too much stuff. And if I'm elected, I promise you we are gonna do way less. [crowd cheers] Right? Less PTA meetings, less luncheons, less fuckin' bake sales, just less bullshit! [crowd cheers louder] Wait, wait, wait, wait. And I think that our kids need a break, too, you guys. Come on, now, school starts way too fucking early, okay? God, and they have way too much homework. I mean, our kids don't even have time to be kids anymore, am I right? And what is up with these five standardized tests a week? We should not be teaching our kids how to be good test-takers. We should be teaching them how to be good people! What is a standardized test? So, if you're a mom who's overworked, overstressed, or if you're just a mom who wants to do less...then just vote for me. [crowd cheers]"

"Lilly Singh - Cathy"

"Jay Hernandez - Jessie Harkness"

"Oona Laurence - Jane Mitchell"

"Martha Stewart - herself"

"David Walton - Mike Mitchell"

"Emjay Anthony - Dylan Mitchell"

"Cade Cooksey - Jaxon"

"Eugenia Kuzmina - Russian Mom"

"Kathryn Hahn - Carla Dunkler"

"Kristen Bell - Kiki"

"Christina Applegate - Gwendolyn James"

"Screw Perfection."

"Mila Kunis - Amy Mitchell"

"Jada Pinkett Smith - Stacy"

"Lyle Brocato - Kent"

"For those of you who have been living under a rock...I am Gwendolyn James. I am the president of the PTA, but most importantly, I am the proud mommy to two beautiful daughters, Blaire and Gandhi. Now, I called this emergency PTA meeting to address an issue that radically affects the safety of our children. The bake sale."

"Party Like a Mother."

"Annie Mumolo - Vicky"

"Clark Duke - Dale Kipler"

"[to Kiki] Oh, hey, I know you. You're that chick that always picks up my kid from school when I forget-slash-don't want to."