"“Good evening, gentlemen!” said the vampire. “Please pay attention. I am a reformed vampire, which is to say, I am a bundle of suppressed instincts held together with spit and coffee. It would be wrong to say that violent, tearing carnage does not come easily to me. It’s not tearing your throats out that doesn’t come easily to me. Please don’t make it any harder.” (p. 96)"

"Half an hour had passed. Polly was still bewildered. The trouble was not that she didn’t understand what was going on. The trouble was that before she could understand that, she had to understand a lot of other things. (p. 108)"

"She was embarrassed, of course. But not for the obvious reason. It was for the other one, the little lesson that life sometimes rams home with a stick: you are not the only one watching the world, other people are also people, while you watch them they watch you, and they think about you while you think about them. The world isn’t just about you. (p. 112)"

"You were right when you said they were going mad. These…commandments are dumb, and any farmer can see that. I imagine people go along with them as best they can, but sooner or later you either have to break them and feel guilty, or keep them and suffer. For no reason, sir. I’ve had a look around. They are very religious here, but their god’s let them down. No wonder they mostly pray to the royal family. (p. 120)"

"That was another thing you learned in the milit’ry: look busy. Look busy and no one worried too much about what you were busy at. (p. 127)"

"“The great General Tacticus says that in dangerous times the commander must be like the eagle and see the whole, and yet still be like the hawk and see every detail.” “Yessir,” said Jackrum, gliding the razor down a cheek. “And if he acts like a common tit, sir, he can hang upside down all day and eat fat bacon.” “Er...well said, sergeant.” (p. 131)"

"A woman always has half an onion left over, no matter what the size of the onion, the dish, or the woman. (p. 133)"

"The purpose of this lectchoor is to let you know where we are. We are in the deep cack. It couldn’t be worse if it was raining arseholes. Any questions? (p. 134)"

"His rabbitty features looked unusually determined, as if a hamster had spotted a gap in its treadmill. (p. 136)"

"She knew about difficult horses; this one had all the hallmarks of a right bastard, one of those not cowed at all by the obvious superiority of the human race. (p. 139)"

"Well, that was true. It just wasn’t honest. (p. 154)"

"And the trouble with Polly was that she had a mind that asked questions even when she really, really didn’t want to know the answers. (p. 154)"

"There was this about vampires; they could never look scruffy. Instead, they were...what was the word...dishabille. It meant untidy, but with bags and bags of style. (p. 155)"

"“He used to come to dinner when my mother— he used to come to dinner. A bit pompous, but he seemed okay.” “Yes,” said Tonker. “He was good at seeming.” (p. 168)"

"“You know what most of milit’ry training is, Perks?” he went on. “All that yelling from little spitballs like Strappi? It’s to turn you into a man who will, on the word of command, stick his blade into some poor sod just like him who happens to be wearing the wrong uniform. He’s like you, you’re like him. He doesn’t really want to kill you, you don’t really want to kill him. But if you don’t kill him first, he’ll kill you. That’s the start and finish of it. It don’t come easy without trainin’.” (p. 170)"

"You know, lad, you’re going to make a damn good sergeant one day. Any fool can use his eyes and ears, but you uses that brain to connect ’em up. (p. 171)"

"I live in a city. I know sparrows from starlings. After that, everything’s a duck, as far as I’m concerned. (p. 180)"

"Sir, I don’t know if he’s worth talking to, sir, but he may be worth listening to. Even if you think he’ll only tell us lies. Because sometimes, sir, the way people tell you lies, if they tell you enough lies, well, they sort of…show you what shape the truth is, sir. (p. 181)"

"I see you’re learnin’ how to steer an officer, though. You gotta make sure they gives you the right orders, see? You’ll make a good sergeant, Perks. (p. 183)"

"It’s all there, sir. I didn’t make it up. It’s the truth. It will remain true whether you believe it or not. (p. 188)"

"People build something that works. Then circumstances change, and they have to tinker with it to make it continue to work, and they are so busy tinkering that they cannot see that a much better idea would be to build a whole new system to deal with the new circumstances. But to an outsider, the idea is obvious. (p. 195)"

"“Mr. de Worde, you have I am sure heard the saying that the pen is mightier than the sword?” De Worde preened a little. “Of course, and I—” “Do you want to test it? Take your picture, sir, and then my men will escort you back to your road.” (pp. 195-196)"

"He thinks he’s a soldier. Never walked on a battlefield in his life. All that rubbish he gave your man was death-or-glory stuff. And I’ll tell you, Perks, I’ve seen Death more often than I care to remember, but I’ve never clapped eyes on Glory. I’m all for sending the fools to look for us where we ain’t, though. (p. 199)"

"It’s hard to be an ornithologist and walk through a wood when all around you the world is shouting: “Bugger off, this is my bush! Aargh, the nest thief! Have sex with me, I can make my chest big and red!” (p. 205)"

"“I suppose men are the same the world over,” said Polly. “On the inside, certainly.” (p. 206)"

"She’d been a kitchen maid and now she was subjecting the Book to critical analysis and talking to a religious icon. That sort of thing led to friction. The presence of those seeking the truth is infinitely to be preferred to the presence of those who think they’ve found it. (pp. 211-212)"

"“You did lie, Sarge.” “I did not, Perks. It’s not lying when you do it to officers! It’s presentin’ them with the world the way they think it ought to be! You can’t let ’em start checkin’ up for themselves! They get the wrong ideas!” (p. 220)"

"“I have, myself, prayed many times on the field of battle. Many time have I said The Soldier’s Prayer, sir, and I don’t mind admitting it.” “Er…I don’t think I know that one,” said Blouse. “Oh, I reckon the words’ll come to you soon enough, sir, once you’re up against the foe. Gen’rally, though, they’re on the lines of ‘oh god, let me kill this bastard before he kills me.’” Jackrum grinned at Blouse’s expression. “That’s what I call the Authorized Version, sir.” (p. 229)"

"If we need a woman, I’m your man. (p. 239)"

"I would like to eat chocolates in a great big room where the world is a different place. (p. 242)"

"Stranger things have happened, although I can’t remember when. (p. 250)"

"He went to a school for young gentlemen, so prison will be just like old times. (p. 256)"

"Pers’nally, I’ve found religion in battle is as much use as a chocolate helmet. (p. 257)"

"It hadn’t seen that an army on campaign is a sort of large, portable city. It has only one employer, and it manufactures dead people, but, like all cities, it attracts…citizens. (p. 258)"

"“Then it is about sex,” said Polly flatly. “It’s a folk song, it starts with ‘’twas,’ it takes place in May, QED, it’s about sex. Is a milkmaid involved? I bet she is.” (p. 273)."

"“There is no god here now.” “So where do they come from?” “From your fear…They come from the part that hates the Other, that will not change. They come from the sum of all your pettiness, and stupidity and dullness. You fear tomorrow, and you’ve made your fear your god.” (p. 283)"

"It was women’s work, and therefore monotonous, backbreaking, and social. (p. 285)"

"It is an established fact that, despite everything society can do, girls of seven are magnetically attracted to the color pink. (p. 287)"

"She paused. It had been good flanneling, she knew. It was almost worthy of Jackrum. She’d larded it with as many “sirs” as she dared. And she was very proud of “anticipating your order.” She hadn’t heard Jackrum use it, but with a certain amount of care it was an excuse to do almost anything. “General thrust” was pretty good, too. (p. 290)"

"It seemed to Polly that the lieutenant was having a lot of difficulty with all this; he kept asking the same basic question in different ways, in the hope of getting something other than the answers he didn’t want to hear. (p. 306)"

"It is always upsetting to find that the enemy is as bright as you. (p. 313)"

"“We can hand ourselves before they do.” “I’m told it’s a very painful way to die,” said Polly. “Who by?” said Tonker. (p. 323)"

"The question hung in the air like a corpse from a beam. (p. 327)"

"That’s the trouble about the good guys and the bad guys! They’re all guys! (p. 327)"

"And now I demand that you do what the ignorant might feel is the easier thing. You must refrain from dying in battle. Revenge is not redress. Revenge is a wheel, and it turns backwards. The dead are not your masters. (p. 350)"

"Stopping a battle is much harder than starting it. Starting it only requires you to shout “Attack!,” but when you want to stop it, everyone is busy. (p. 352)"

"Armies don’t do much for agriculture except marginally raise the fertility of the battlefield. (p. 360)"

"“You know your god’s dead?” said the man. “Nothing left but a voice, according to some of our priests. The last three Abominations were against rocks, ears, and accordion players. Okay, I might be with him on the last one, but…rocks? (p. 360)"

"“What is your name, please?” “Sam Vimes. Special envoy, which is kind of like an ambassador but without the little gold chocolates. (p. 360)"

"You don’t appear to be as insane as your country’s foreign policy. (p. 361)"