Comedians From The United States

"Road, n. A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go."

"Revelation, n. A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing."

"Resign, v. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an advantage for a greater advantage."

"Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable."

"Rational, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection."

"Quotation, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated."

"Prejudice, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support."

"Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy."

"Positive, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice."

"Politics, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage."

"Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy."

"Pig, n. An animal (Porcus omnivorus) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig."

"Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing."

"Patriotism, n. Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name. In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit it is the first."

"Patience, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue."

"Overwork, n. A dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries who want to go fishing."

"Past, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. A moving line called the Present parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future. These two grand divisions of Eternity, of which the one is continually effacing the other, are entirely unlike. The one is dark with sorrow and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy. The Past is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song. In the one crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling penitential prayer; in the sunshine of the other Hope flies with a free wing, beckoning to temples of success and bowers of ease. Yet the Past is the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They are one--the knowledge and the dream."

"Optimist, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white."

"Opposition, n. In politics the party that prevents the Government from running amok by hamstringing it."

"Opportunity, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment."

"Opiate, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into the jail yard."

"Once, adj. Enough."

"Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man — who has no gills."

"Non-combatant, n. A dead Quaker."

"Neighbor, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient."

"Monday, n. In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game."

"Mayonnaise, n. One of the sauces that serve the French in place of a state religion."

"Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two."

"Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech, and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that they themselves are sane."

"Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient."

"Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding."

"Liberty, n. The distinction between freedom and liberty is not accurately known; naturalists have never been able to find a living specimen of either."

"Liberty, n. One of imagination's most precious possessions."

"Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious."

"Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable."

"Land, n. A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the superstructure. Carried to its logical conclusion, it means that some have the right to prevent others from living; for the right to own implies the right exclusively to occupy; and in fact laws of trespass are enacted wherever property in land is recognized. It follows that if the whole area of terra firma is owned by A, B and C, there will be no place for D, E, F and G to be born, or, born as trespassers, to exist."

"Labor, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property of B."

"Kleptomaniac, n. A rich thief."

"Kilt, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans in Scotland."

"Justice, n. A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service."

"Insurrection, n. An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection's failure to substitute misrule for bad government."

"In'ards, n. pl. The stomach, heart, soul, and other bowels."

"Infancy, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, 'Heaven lies about us.' The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward."

"Incompossible, adj. Unable to exist if something else exists. Two things are incompossible when the world of being has scope enough for one of them, but not enough for both — as Walt Whitman's poetry and God's mercy to man."

"Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but "pervades and regulates the whole." He has the last word in everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions and opinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead-line."

"Hers, pron. His."

"Helpmate, n. A wife, or bitter half."

"Heaven, n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own."

"Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel."

"Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another."