"Wisdom is known only by contrasting it with folly; by shadow only we perceive that all visible objects are not flat. Yet Philanthropos would abolish evil!"

"Age, with his eyes in the back of his head, thinks it wisdom to see the bogs through which he has floundered."

"When prosperous the fool trembles for the evil that is to come; in adversity the philosopher smiles for the good that he has had."

"Happiness is lost by criticizing it; sorrow by accepting it."

"Slang is a foul pool at which every dunce fills his bucket, and then sets up as a fountain."

"All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher."

"The poor man's price of admittance to the favor of the rich is his self-respect."

"The most intolerant advocate is he who is trying to convince himself."

"Convictions are variable; to be always consistent is to be sometimes dishonest."

"The most offensive egotist is he that fears to say "I" and "me." "It will probably rain "—that is dogmatic. "I think it will rain"—that is natural and modest. Montaigne is the most delightful of essayists because so great is his humility that he does not think it important that we see not Montaigne. He so forgets himself that he employs no artifice to make us forget him."

"Along the road of life are many pleasure resorts, but think not that by tarrying in them you will take more days to the journey. The day of your arrival is already recorded."

"He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity."

"A man is the sum of his ancestors; to reform him you must begin with a dead ape and work downward through a million graves. He is like the lower end of a suspended chain; you can sway him slightly to the right or the left, but remove your hand and he falls into line with the other links."

"The money-getter who pleads his love of work has a lame defense, for love of work at money-getting is a lower taste than love of money."

"The palmist looks at the wrinkles made by closing the hand and says they signify character. The philosopher reads character by what the hand most loves to close upon."

"Slang is the speech of him who robs the literary garbage carts on their way to the dumps."

"The only distinction that democracies reward is a high degree of conformity."

"The virtues chose Modesty to be their queen. "I did not know that I was a virtue," she said. "Why did you not choose Innocence?" "Because of her ignorance," they replied. "She knows nothing but that she is a virtue.""

"A popular author is one who writes what the people think. Genius invites them to think something else."

"We submit to the majority because we have to. But we are not compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect."

"When lost in a forest go always down hill. When lost in a philosophy or doctrine go upward."

"If you want to read a perfect book there is only one way: write it."

"The game of discontent has its rules, and he who disregards them cheats. It is not permitted to you to wish to add another's advantages or possessions to your own; you are permitted only to wish to be another."

"There's no free will," says the philosopher; "To hang is most unjust." "There is no free will," assents the officer; "We hang because we must."

"O proud philanthropist, your hope is vain To get by giving what you lost by gain."

"If you would be accounted great by your contemporaries, be not too much greater than they."

"To be comic is merely to be playful, but wit is a serious matter. To laugh at it is to confess that you do not understand."

"Strive not for singularity in dress; Fools have the more and men of sense the less. To look original is not worth while, But be in mind a little out of style."

"There was never a genius who was not thought a fool until he disclosed himself; whereas he is a fool then only."

"To Dogmatism the Spirit of Inquiry is the same as the Spirit of Evil."

"For every man there is something in the vocabulary that would stick to him like a second skin. His enemies have only to find it."

"Self-denial is indulgence of a propensity to forego."

"You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are avenged 1440 times a day."

"Woman would be more charming if one could fall into her arms without falling into her hands."

"Zeus, n. The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog. Some explorers who have touched upon the shores of America, and one who professes to have penetrated a considerable distance to the interior, have thought that these four names stand for as many distinct deities, but in his monumental work on Surviving Faiths, Frumpp insists that the natives are monotheists, each having no other god than himself, whom he worships under many sacred names."

"Zeal, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl."

"Youth, n. The Period of Possibility, when Archimedes finds a fulcrum, Cassandra has a following and seven cities compete for the honor of endowing a living Homer."

"Year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments."

"Witch, n. (1) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil."

"White, adj. and n. Black."

"Vote, v. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country."

"Virtues, n. pl. Certain abstentions."

"Un-American, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish."

"Twice, adv. Once too often."

"Success, n. The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows."

"Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others."

"Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based."

"Saint, n. A dead sinner, revised and edited."

"Sabbath, n. A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh."