Comedians From The United States

"Abe, you got the speech. ... Abe, you haven't changed the speech have you? ... Oh, Abe. What did you ya change the speech for? ... A couple of minor changes? ... I'll bet. All right, what are they? ... You what? You typed it! Abe, how many times have we told you — on the backs of envelopes. ... I understand it’s harder to read that way, but it looks like you wrote it on the train coming down."

"[Imagining a telephone conversation between an advertising executive and Abraham Lincoln just before his Gettysburg Address] Hi Abe, sweetheart. How are you, kid? How's Gettysburg? ... Sort of a drag, heh? Well, Abe you know them small Pennsylvania towns, you seen one you seen 'em all. ... Listen Abe, I go the note. What's the problem? ... You're thinking of shaving it off? Abe, don't you see that's part of the image with the shawl and the stovepipe hat and the string tie? ... You don't have the shawl. Where's the shawl? ... You left it in Washington. What are you wearing, Abe? ... A sort of cardigan? Abe, don't you see that doesn't fit with the string tie and the beard> Abe, would you leave the beard on and get the shawl."

"Humor is a very, very important part of our life. It's not just laughing at a joke, it's an attitude toward life. And as the world gets crazier, it's more important to laugh at it. It's a survival technique."

"I hope that everyone has the opportunity, whatever their work environment may be, to be surrounded by people that they respect and are inspired by."

"I believe that truth is one of the most powerful tools we possess against victimization, exploitation, and fear."

"When you share something about your adolescence, it's a way to roll over and show your soft underbelly when it comes to talking about your past and the person that you once were"

"Imagine you see a street performer. They're playing violin on the street corner, they've got their case out whith cash. Say you fucking hate violins. Violins drive you nuts. Maybe he's not even good at playing violin. What do you do? Ya keep walking. No sane, decent human being stops and goes 'You're fucking aweful dude. Kill yourself! What are you doing out here? You're making my life miserable until I just look a different direction.' That's an insane thing to do. And most people know not do that."

"[If he has had any negative response to his comedy offline:] Never. Not once. Never once has somebody come up to me and said 'Hey, I didn't like the thing you said.'"

"I think if you're on this earth for such a limited amount of time, how insane is it to sit behind your phone and computer and complain about something you don't like when you have the world at your hands of all the things you could do? Like, what an absolute waste of energy, time, and emotion."

"[About online anger:] It doesn't translate to the real world. I just walked through two very packed airports and did nothing but take like 45 pictures. Nothing but a positive response."

"This is fresh. It only happened two months ago."

"I felt ashamed, because we’re not supposed to, and there’s something unprofessional about it."

"The most meaningful moments were moments when, like on a Friday night at rehearsal, I decided to stop and look around at the people who I loved so much and just make a memory of it. Nothing special — we were all just sitting around, and Mikey [Day] was doing a bit or Alex [Moffat] was doing a bit, and we were catching up and just looking around at the crew. Those are the moments that meant the most."

"Telling Lorne was really hard."

"Be grateful for the highs — and be grateful for the lows — 'cause it's in the lows where you learn."

"A lot of people misunderstood why I was doing what I was doing, or even what I was doing. Then other people were actually kind of pissed off about it. Or they were worried I was going to make a fool of myself that it was somehow undignified or just weird."

"I think it causes the business to probably take you a little more seriously and to believe in you more. That’s a meaningful thing to me. This is something I’ve now done for 45 years. I treasure every single day that I’m on a set. I think anyone who’s worked with me would agree that I’m not bored or jaded or any of those things. For me, it’s still an utter privilege to do this for a living. I never forget that for a second."

"I think there is something at Christmas that challenges us all to think about being generous to others. To reach out and maybe give people a little joy. Maybe that’s why I love doing Christmas movies. It’s a way of being generous with oneself and I like that."

"I'm nicer than I am. Like most people I have a dark side, but because of roles I played early on people tend not to guess that."

"I thought they were saying this because they felt my music wasn’t good enough, and I needed to write with other people to make it better. Being open to everything and always saying yes, It was very frustrating for me because I have a really strong work ethic. I’ve never missed a performance in my life, so I’m sure not going to miss a co-writing session."

"She had hoped for a breakthrough role and she told the press that she anticipated one coming, but it wasn’t forthcoming at all. And then on top of it, it traps her kind of in between white Hollywood and then the African-American community. She’s constantly kind of battling that, looking for a balance, to continue to serve the community but at the same time to serve her ambitions, which is to succeed in white Hollywood, and the cost is tremendous. It’s a tremendous personal price she has to pay."

"That life keeps teaching me how little I actually know. I used to think I was going to die wise, and now the one wisdom I have is I know very little."

"If people call me a songwriter, I am honored to be called that. I’m keenly aware that I’m lucky to get to work with these writers."

"When I came round I felt very odd, It was like I had headphones on and I was listening to music. It didn’t go away. I wasn’t sleeping at night. It was as though my mind had become a musical tornado, and whatever came in front of me got whirled into it."

"Part of the beauty of being this age is that it doesn’t feel like it’s for ever. You can be overwhelmed, or you can go."

"To be honest, when you have four kids and one grandchild, and one on the way, and a marriage that you are very blessed to have, I don’t want to work all the time."

"It’s changed a lot. As a mother, when my kids were younger, I have to admit, I looked for the juiciest role I could get that would shoot in the smallest amount of days so that I could keep being a functioning mom."

"I've spent 26 years with this man. If I could sign up for 100 more lifetimes with him, I would do it right now because he is just one of the great people on this planet."

"I think you learn something from everybody that you work with if you allow yourself to do that. What you might learn is to just be freer or braver. That's part of what you take away from an experience like that, and you grow. You might be a little less afraid the next time you work with somebody whose mind works like that."

"It has made me feel very, very humble, and I shall always hold it as a beacon for anything I may be able to do in the future, I sincerely hope I shall always be a credit to my race and to the motion picture industry."

"I’d rather play a maid than be one."

"I knew that I could sing and dance...my mother would give me a nickel sometimes to stop."

"I think she was quite hopeful, and she wanted to share that success with others. She supported family, friends. People talk about how people would just come to her and she'd give out the money she had, so she's quite generous in that way."

"I desire a white casket and a white shroud; white gardenias in my hair and in my hands, together with a white gard­enia blanket and a pillow of red roses."

"They didn’t even let her in the theater until right before she got that award. Someone came outside and brought her into the auditorium. She wasn’t even allowed to sit in there."

"We have to keep learning over and over in life not to worry about what people think or at least not to let that worry drown out what our heart's desires are."

"She’s an artist who’s been resisting white domination with performance — up until she becomes involved in white show business."

"You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal,"

"“Laughter keeps everyone feeling wonderful.”"

"Animals don’t lie. Animals don’t criticize. If animals have moody days, they handle them better than humans do."

"You don't luck into integrity. You work at it."

"There's no formula. Keep busy with your work and your life. Keep the person in your heart all the time. Replay the good times. Be grateful for the years you had."

"“If one has no sense of humor, one is in trouble.”"

"“It's your outlook on life that counts. If you take yourself lightly and don't take yourself too seriously, pretty soon you can find the humour in our everyday lives. And sometimes it can be a lifesaver.”"

"“There’s no formula. Keep busy with your work and your life. You can’t become a professional mourner. It doesn’t help you or others. Replay the good times. Be grateful for the years you had.”"

"“Everybody needs a passion. That’s what keeps life interesting. If you live without passion, you can go through life without leaving any footprints.”"

"“Kindness and consideration of somebody besides yourself keeps you feeling young.”"

"Friendship takes time and energy if it’s going to work. You can luck into something great, but it doesn’t last if you don’t give it proper appreciation. Friendship can be so comfortable, but nurture it — don’t take it for granted."

"I'm not looking forward to death; it's important to live while we are here. But those who have died, my mother said, now they know the secret. And someday we all will."

"You don’t just luck into integrity. You work at it."