"Dear Baby, I hope someday somebody wants to hold you for twenty minutes straight and that's all they do. They don't pull away. They don't look at your face. They don't try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight, without an ounce of selfishness to it."

"Dear Baby: If I was writing you a letter, it would probably sounds something like an apology. I know everyone deserves a mama who'd want a nice baby such as yourself... who was also a good wife, a fine member of a society. And I can't rightly say that I'm any of that. And I'm not sure the world is scuh a fine place to bringing you. Many of the people I've met are not worth meeting. Many of the things that happened are not worth living through. And you shouldn't take it personal, Baby... if I don't seem like all the other mama-to-be, jumping all over themselves with joy. I frankly don't know what I got to give you, Baby. What if I leave Earl, and don't win that contest next week, and don't have money? What the hell am I gonna give you then? All my life, Baby, the only thing I wanna do is run away. What kind of mama is that? I wish I could think other things, Baby, like excitement that you with me now... or faith that I'll be a good mama... even if my life ain't such a good place, and the world as I see it ain't so pretty like they'd have you believe in this book. Anyway, writing this letter to you, sounds more like a letter writing to me, don't it? Love, Mama."

"Why did I get drunk? I do stupid things when I'm drunk... like sleep with my husband!"

"Dear damn baby, If you ever want to know the story of how we bought your damn crib, I will tell you. Your crib was bought with the money that was supposed to buy me a new life. Every time I lay you down in that damn crib, I'm gonna think, 'Damn baby. Damn Crib. Me stuck like a pin in this damn life.'"

"[to Dawn] If I had a penny for everything I love about you, I would have many pennies."

"Cloris Leachman - Evelyn Norwich"

"Sarah Steele - Bernice "Bernie" Clasky"

"Shelbie Bruce - Cristina Moreno"

"Adam Sandler - John Clasky"

"Téa Leoni - Deborah Clasky"

"I know I know we can't do anything, that brings a kind of satisfaction and release, BUT I'M STILL HAVING A GREAT TIME!"

"Flor! Look at this child! You could make a fortune doing surrogate pregnancy!"

"They should name a gender after you. Looking at you doesn't do it, staring is the only way that makes sense. And trying not to blink so you don't miss anything. And all of that and you're you. It's just that you are drop dead crazy gorgeous,so much so, that I'm actually considering looking at you again before we finish up here."

"You were an alcoholic and wildly promiscuous woman during my formative years so that I'm in this fix because of you, it is your fault and I just needed that moment for us to build on."

"Worrying about your kids is sanity, and being that sane can drive you nuts."

"Paz Vega - Flor Moreno"

"Do this for me or I'll set my hair on fire and start punching myself in the face! [Victor: Huh?] Yeah, yeah, you're right: that was an unusual way to make myself understood."

"Es lo que quieres para ti? Para llegar a ser alguien muy diferente a mí? [Is what you want for yourself? To become someone very different than me?]"

"American women, I believe, actually the feel the same as Hispanic women about weight: a desire for the comfort of fullness. And when that desire is suppressed for style and deprivation allowed to rule, dieting, exercising American women become afraid of everything associated with being curvaceous: such as wantoness, lustfulness, sex, food, motherhood; all that is best in life."

"I've been overwhelmed by your encouragement to apply to your university and your list of scholarships available to me. Though, as I hope this essay shows, your acceptance, while it would thrill me, will not define me. My identity rests firmly and happily on one fact: I am my mother's daughter. Thank you, Cristina Moreno."

"There are only four questions of value in life, Don Octavio: What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for? And what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same. Only love."

"I just feel as though we've surrendered our lives to the momentum of mediocrity."

"Every woman is a mystery waiting to be solved, but a woman hides nothing from a true lover. Her skin color can tell us how to proceed. A hue like the blush of a rose, pink and pale, and she must be coaxed to open her petals with a warmth like the sun. The pale and dappled skin of a redhead calls for the lust of a wave crashing to the shore so we may stir up what lies beneath her and bring up the foamy delight of love to the surface. Although there is no metaphor that truly describes making love to a woman, the closest is playing a rare musical instrument. I wonder...does a Stradivarius violin feel the same rapture as the violinist when he coaxes a single perfect note from its heart?"

"I want to know what your dreams and your hopes are that got lost along the way while I was thinking about myself."

"You don't know what it's like to be straight, OK? It's... awful."

"When I say that all woman are dazzling beauties, they object. This one's nose is too large... the hips of another are too wide, perhaps the breast of a third, they are too small. But I see these women for how they truly are: Glorious... radiant, spectacular and perfect because I am not limited by my eyesight. Women react on me the way that they do Don Octavio because they sense that I search out the beauty that dwells within them until it overwhelms everything else. And then they cannot avoid their desire: to release that beauty and envelop me in it."

"I never wash my pants. I like to keep the night on them."

"Well, you're two penises short of a Shania Twain reimagination band!"

"Zachary Booth - Gary"

"Jay Baruchel - Tal"

"Jonathan B. Wright - Beefy Guy - Lothario"

"Rafi Gavron - Dev"

"Ari Graynor - Caroline"

"Alexis Dziena - Tris"

"[to a random person at the bus station] Um... hi. I'm Caroline. What's your name?... You know what, that's okay. You don't have to tell me. It's been like one of those nights, you know? I was with my friend Norah, who you don't know, but you'd really like her because everybody likes Norah and she... left me tonight which is - she never does that and then I was kidnapped. And then, she... usually when I go home with her she... she makes me a turkey sandwich when I get home, but I might never get home, you know? And I'm so tired. [looks down and notices what is in his lap] Is that a turkey sandwich?"

"Michael Cera - Nick"

"Kat Dennings - Norah"

"Aaron Yoo - Thom"

"Terry O'Quinn - Jack Moseley"

"Dwier Brown - Hale Forrest"

"The ultimate love/skate relationship."

"D. B. Sweeney - Doug Dorsey"

"When true love breaks the ice. Theirs is a love/skate relationship."

"Moira Kelly - Kate Moseley"

"Anton Pamchenko: Man and woman make flower. Douglas, you are stem. Katya, you are petal. Together, we make flower."

"Roy Dotrice - Anton Pamchenko"

"The King of the Rink is about to meet America's Ice Queen."

"We're going to France! Parlez-vous Olympics!"

"[repeated line] Toe pick!"