"Don't you love it when people in school are like, "I'm a bad test taker?" You mean, you're stupid. Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I'm a brilliant painter, minus my God-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here [points to head] but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson's. I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume your best work is in the A.M. Probably gets a bit abstract by noon."

"Don't get lost on a hike there. You'll end up on YouTube without a head, and there's no web redemption for that."

"We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure. As soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk? Why don't people talk about that?"

"You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I've always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream."

"Have you ever taken a post-shower shit? Augh! Might as well go back to bed, start your whole day over."

"A golden shower and Kite Runner reference in the same joke? Almost impossible! Almost impossible! I pull it off, because I care."

"Am I the only one who thinks that David Beckham should film a sex scene with Brad Pitt? I don't know who's in charge of casting in Hollywood, but get it done before one of them is past their prime. Can you imagine those two making love? If there is not a man in here who's junk doesn't even wiggle at the thought of it, and this has nothing to do with your homophobic beliefs. At that level, it's art, you monkey! You should feel privileged that you get to breathe the same air as those Greek gods!"

"I can say that. I have a television show."

"I'm all for illegal immigration in this country, except for the fact that they don't have to serve on jury duty. That's horseshit. It should be the other way around. They should serve exclusively on jury duty. Yeah, then, then, it would truly be a jury of one's own peers. [Some of the audience groans] It's not a stereotype if it's always true. Yeah, then it becomes law. That joke was called, "Latinos are criminals.""

"Oh, San Francisco! My third favorite place to do comedy in. That's not bad, right? Top ten. More butt-fucking per square foot than any other place in the world, that's you guys. [Audience cheers] Put that on your postcards. "San Fransisco: More butt-fucking per square foot. Miss you.""

"Thank you...San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you...for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of."

"I put a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there. We hate snakes. We think they're slimy even though we know they're not."

"I once had on a Lance Armstrong bracelet and a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet, and I rubbed a blind kid's eyes and he could see. But he wasn't used to the light, it was bright, walked into traffic was killed instantly. Okay, those of you that are laughing, I'm going to call you half-full, because you're remembering the most important part of the joke...the bracelets are working!"

"You know who LOVES to get fisted? Sock puppets. That joke is adorable!"

"[On looters stealing VCR's] Why are you stealing a VCR? They don't even make VHS tapes anymore! I'd steal a TiVo...but I don't, because I'm rich, and I've had one for three years. I would say four years, but that won't make the joke any funnier. You tell people, "I've had a TiVo for four years," and they're all like, "Who's the dick?""

"God doesn't hate gays. He's just upset that they found a loophole in the system."

"Leopards can carry twice their own weight up a tree... I don't have a joke for that yet. But when you walk out of here tonight, you can say, "Well, at least I learned something. That guy's like a fucking Snapple!""

"Before I get started tonight, sorry in advance if I offend anyone. It's not my job to know what your personal line of decency is. I cross my own from time to time. It's how I know I still have one."

"Thank you... I deserve that. I'm really good. I'm one of the best. Actually, I'm the best, currently ranked number one in the world. So buckle up. You guys are in for a treat. Oh, 19,000 people, This is awesome. Thank you. Seriously, don't look around. It's 19,000. People watching on TV, they never know. They're so stupid. That's why they watch TV."

"I'm all for women who get plastic surgery, because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance — fake... We have shows like Extreme Make-Over. "I don't want to develop a personality, just cut my face! Stretch it and staple it. Now I'm happy, or at least I look like it.""

"You'll have to excuse me for my bad posture. My mom says it's 'cause I have a huge cock. Yeah, she talks like that. She's a sailor. We don't judge her. She lives by one rule, and it's the rule of the sea."

"You are a sick freak who should be beaten."

"Butt sex is a lot like spinach. If you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult."

"I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having another man around the house..."

"I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed."

"Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.""

"I don't think I could stab somebody, 'cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun."

"You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with, "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!""

"The floor is lava! That's the lava game, when you pretend that the floor is lava and you climb up on all the furniture. I see some of you don't get that. I don't care, that's okay. You might have called it something else, but it meant the same thing: you were poor. I'd tell my mom, "I want a Nintendo," and she'd reply, "The floor is lava!" "What's wrong with our house? Why can't we afford better carpeting? It's called two jobs, bitch!" That's how I used to talk. I was very street."

"I'm a lousy piece of ass, and I should know every woman I have been with has told me, so I've been there almost every time. I mean, the closest thing I got to a "birds and bees" talk was with my dad. He was like, "Son, sex is a lot like this egg." "Dad, I think those are drugs." "Whatever, queer." "Why does everyone keep saying that?" "Listen up, son. Listen good. You take a woman and crack her over the head and lie her flat. Make sure she sizzles and then flip her over. Don't stand too close or you'll get yellow stuff all over your bacon." What? I see some of you holding your stomach and feeling, "No, you shouldn't." That's a breakfast joke. That's the most important joke of the day. If you don't laugh at that, you're gonna be sleepy around 11:30. And you'll be like, "Why am I so tired?""

"Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. I'd be like, "Hey, so I guess I'll see you later," and he's like, "Whatever, queer.""

"Wouldn't it be funny if that girl got raped by like, five guys right now? Like right now? What if a bunch of guys just raped her..."

"Not so loooouuuud!"

"Oh, cut it ouuuuuut!"

"That huuuuurts!"

"Not so haaaaaard!"

"Moe: [to Curly] There's nothing to be scared about. [sees what Curly sees] Both: Nyahhh-ah-ah!"

"Moe: One for all! Larry: All for one! Curly: I'm for myself."

"For Duty and Humanity!"

"Nyahhh-ah-ah! [Stooges frightened]"

"Hello [Moe, low tone], Hellooo [Larry, a major third higher, with Moe still holding his 'o'], Hellooooo! [Curly, a fifth higher than Moe, forming a major chord with Moe and Larry] [The Stooges would also use this same tune for "Come in" or "Contact"]"

"Mee-mee-mee-mee! [frightened or surprised: uttered very fast, difficult to transcribe exactly; some other attempts]"

"Waah, w-ohh! [A wolf-whistle towards women that sounded like a steam whistle]"

"Eeeb-eeeb-eeeb-eeeb!"

"[to the audience while kissing Tilda] This I like. And I get paid for it too."

"I'll take it when I'm ready! [Moe: [threateningly] Are you ready?] Yeah, I'm ready."

"This is a nice place. It reminds me of the reform school."

"Hey cut the clownin'!"

"What a brain..."

"Ooo wise guy eh?"