Dirty Grandpa

"Jason, I want to fuck. For the first time in 40 years, I'm single, and I want to fuck. I want to fuck until my dick falls off. I want to fuck a horse, and I want to drink its blood. I was faithful to your grandmother every day for 40 years, even through the menopause, even through the cancer. She was the love of my life, I'll miss her every goddamn day, but she told me on her death bed, you get back out there again. I haven't had sex in 15 years Jason, and I want to fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck."

"Party till you're pregnant!"

"The greatest gift a grandson can give his grandfather is a hot college girl who wants to have unprotected sex with him before he dies."

"He looks like Abercrombie fucked Fitch."

"You're just a dirty, dirty grandpa, and I'm just a girl from Long Island City who likes to fuck old people."

"Naughty is relative."

"Lose your way. Find your manhood."

"What did you learn from your grandparents?"

"Robert De Niro — Dick Kelly"

"Zac Efron — Jason"

"Aubrey Plaza — Lenore"

"Zoey Deutch — Shadia"

"Julianne Hough — Meredith"

"Dermot Mulroney — David"

"Jason Mantzoukas — Pam"

"Jeffrey Bowyer-Chapman — Bradley"