All Quotes

"[on the Gulf War] I was in the unenviable position of being for the war, but against the troops."

"I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about ten at night."

"I quit smoking. It's very hard, but I'm glad I did. I'll tell you, this war against drugs in the US is the reason I quit because I got too fuckin' sick of being on the wrong side. The war against drugs, which actually is a war against civil rights, don't ever be fooled again. If they cared about us they'd get rid of the number one drug which is cigarettes; kills more people than crack, coke, and heroin combined, times 100. Legal."

"Marijuana: a drug that kills … no one – and let's put it in a time frame – ever. Illegal."

"That's why my girlfriend and I broke up: she wanted kids, and I … well, she wanted kids. [laughs] I had no idea her philosophy was that flawed. She goes, "Wouldn't it be nice to have a kid? To have this fresh, clean slate which we could fill. A little clean spirit, innocent, and to fill it with good ideas." Yeah, yeah, how about this? If you're so fucking altruistic, why don't you leave the little clean spirit wherever it is right now? Okay? Horrible act, childbirth. Nightmare. Bringing … I would never bring a kid to this fucking planet."

"Another thing. This idea of "I'm offended". Well I've got news for you. I'm offended by a lot of things too. Where do I send my list? Life is offensive. You know what I mean? Just get in touch with your outer adult. And grow up. And move on. Reasonable people don't write letters because... A: They have lives and B, they understand it's just TV. C: If they see something they don't like, something they do like might be on later. I've seen many comics I've hated. I've seen many shows that have offended me. I've never written a letter. I just go about my life."

"They US soldiers] started to commit suicide on the Baghdad walls. We will encourage them to double their suicide attempts."

"I now inform you that you are too far from reality."

"Lying is forbidden in Iraq. President Saddam Hussein will tolerate nothing but truthfulness as he is a man of great honour and integrity. Everyone is encouraged to speak freely of the truths evidenced in their eyes and hearts."

"The American press is all about lies! All they tell is lies, lies and more lies!"

"The information was correct but the interpretations were not. I did my duty up to the last minute."

"Play harp."

"The Color Purple"

"The Crucible"

"The Greatest Showman"

"The Lehman Trilogy"

"The Mystery of Edwin Drood"

"The Threepenny Opera"

"Thoroughly Modern Millie"

"Tick Tick Boom"

"To Kill A Mockingbird"

"Twelve Angry Jurors"

"Urinetown: The Musical"

"Unsinkable Molly Brown, the Lyrics"

"Victor/Victoria"

"Waiting for Godot"

"Waitress (musical)"

"The Wedding Singer"

"West Side Story"

"We Will Rock You"

"Whistle Down the Wind"

"White Christmas"

"The Who's Tommy"

"Wicked (musical)"

"Wild Party"

"Wind in the Willows"

"The Wizard of Oz"

"Wonderful Town"

"Wonderland"

". Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory"

"Young Frankenstein"

"You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown"

"You Can’t Take it with You!"

"Ziegfeld Follies"

"Slotted spoons don't hold much soup."

"The slotted spoon can catch the potato!"

"[to Baker's wife] Have you seen a boy with carrot-topped hair and a sunny, though occasionally vague, disposition, answering to the name of Jack?"

"There's a dead giant in my back yard!"

"[to female giant] We’ve suffered too! Do you think it was a picnic disposing of your husband's remains?"

"[to baker] No one cared when there was a dead giant in my backyard! I don't remember you volunteering to come to my aid."