All Quotes

"I recall this sergeant's informing me and my "room-mates" of this rather deplorable fact the army didn't have any official, excuse me, didn't have no official song and suggested that we work on this in our copious free time."

"I ache for the touch of your lips, dear, But much more for the touch of your whips, dear. You can raise welts Like nobody else, As we dance to the Masochism Tango."

"Take your cigarette from its holder, And burn your initials in my shoulder. Fracture my spine, And swear that you're mine, As we dance to the Masochism Tango."

""Life is like a sewer — what you get out of it depends on what you put into it." It's always seemed to me that this is precisely the sort of dynamic, positive thinking that we so desperately need today in these trying times of crisis and universal brouhaha."

"We will all go together when we go Every Hottentot and every Eskimo When We will all go simultaneous Oh, we all will go together when we go."

"I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another and I know there are people in the world that do not love their fellow human beings and I hate people like that"

"Any ideas expressed on this record should not be taken as representing Mr. Lehrer's true convictions, for indeed he has none. "If anyone objects to any statement I make," he has said, "I am quite prepared not only to retract it, but also to deny under oath that I ever made it.""

"I do have a cause, though. It is obscenity. I'm for it."

"But don't panic. Base eight is just like base ten really — if you're missing two fingers."

"Last December 13th, there appeared in the newspapers the juiciest, spiciest, raciest obituary it has ever been my pleasure to read. It was that of a lady named Alma Mahler Gropius Werfel, who had, in her lifetime, managed to acquire as lovers practically all of the top creative men in central Europe. And, among these lovers, who were listed in the obituary, by the way, which is what made it so interesting, there were three whom she went so far as to marry: One of the leading composers of the day, Gustav Mahler, composer of "Das Lied von der Erde" and other light classics, one of the leading architects, Walter Gropius, of the "Bauhaus" school of design, and one of the leading writers, Franz Werfel, author of the "Song of Bernadette" and other masterpieces. It's people like that who make you realize how little you've accomplished. It is a sobering thought, for example, that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years."

"The loveliest girl in Vienna Was Alma, the smartest as well. Once you picked her up on your antenna, You'd never be free of her spell."

"And that is the story of Alma, Who knew how to receive and to give. The body that reached her embalma' Was one that had known how to live."

"Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate with the people they love: husbands and wives who can't communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on, and in real life, I might add, spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very least he can do is to shut up."

"I feel that if any songs are gonna come out of World War III, we'd better start writing them now."

"Examine your environment."

"Get in line in that processional, Step into that small confessional. There the guy who's got religion'll Tell you if your sin's original. If it is, try playin' it safer, Drink the wine and chew the wafer, Two, four, six, eight, Time to transubstantiate!"

"So get down upon your knees, Fiddle with your rosaries, Bow your head with great respect, And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!"

"During National Brotherhood Week various special events are arranged to drive home the message of brotherhood — this year, for example, on the first day of the week, Malcolm X was killed, which gives you an idea of how effective the whole thing is. I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another, and I know there are people in the world who do not love their fellow human beings — and I hate people like that!"

"Oh, the white folks hate the black folks, And the black folks hate the white folks; To hate all but the right folks Is an old established rule."

"Oh, the poor folks hate the rich folks, And the rich folks hate the poor folks. All of my folks hate all of your folks, It's American as apple pie."

"Step up and shake the hand Of someone you can't stand, You can tolerate him if you try!"

"Oh, the Protestants hate the Catholics And the Catholics hate the Protestants, And the Hindus hate the Moslems, And everybody hates the Jews."

"Stuart: Tell him that story about the broken leg, that always works."

"Stuart: Uh, some twat says hello."

"Vince: is that Nathan? Stuart, listen, his mother had a rag on me. Do us a favor and keep an eye on him?"

"Stuart: Never mind him, just think about yourself for once."

"Cameron: We could go somewhere afterwards, I dunno. There’s pubs open, you’re the expert."

"Vince: Yeah. Listen, I’ve gotta make this call, there’s this boy and no one’s looking after him. Bit of a crisis, you don’t mind?"

"Vince: Stuart, seriously, it’s your fault he’s left home. He could wander off at anywhere."

"Stuart: Hold on, call waiting. [Answers it] Yeah?"

"Marie: [sarcastically] Thank you Stuart, thank you so much. I’ve had Ben crying his eyes out, that’s all he needs, another man to abandon him."

"Stuart: I did phone Marie, I left a message. It’s just, it’s an emergency, I’ve gotta work."

"Marie: You’re in a bar, I can hear it! How many dates do you think I get anyway, a mother with two kids?"

"Stuart: Hold on, call waiting. [Answers]"

"Sandra (Stuart’s PA): Are you with Martin Brooks? Cause his mobile’s switched off. His wife’s on the phone, the roof falling or something."

"Stuart: Martin, it’s your wife."

"Martin: I’m not here."

"Stuart: He’s not here."

"Vince: Call waiting. He’s a busy man."

"Cameron: Look, I really don’t mind, but can you put the phone down? Just for a minute."

"Vince: Yeah... Sure. Sorry."

"Cameron: Right. Cause if you wanna go clubbing, I could uh..."

"Vince: I’m sorry. It’s this boy, I promised his mother. [Answers] Hello?"

"Marie: You’ve kept me waiting long enough, now put him on the phone!"

"Vince: I’m not with Stuart."

"Marie: You’re always with him! I was supposed to be on a date and he’s ruined it!"

"Sandra: Vince, put him on. I know full well he’s taken Martin Brooks to some godforsaken dive."

"Sandra: His wife’s going mental."

"Sandra: Martin Brooks’!"

"Vince: Who the hell is Martin Brooks? Hold on, call waiting. [Answers] What?!"