"Oh, I should warn you. You know those families where everyone's out of their minds, but at the end of the day they're…"

"A wedding is a sacrament... a joyous celebration of love and commitment. In Utopia. In the real world... it's an excu…"

"[to Kat] Let me teach you a trick: if you look people in the eye, they won't notice what you're wearing."

"[at the Bachelorette Party] Well thank you for including me in this timeless feminine ritual. Here's to the husbands …"

"Go ahead, Kat, hate me. I think you're running out of steam on this whole Jeffrey thing anyhow. Maybe now you'll be a…"

"[to Edward] The hardest thing is loving someone and then having the courage to let them love you back. But if you kno…"

"I'd rather fight with you than make love with anyone else."

"[to Kat and Amy] The only thing that you two have in common is that you're both secretly attracted to me."

"[to Kat, about Jeffrey and Nick] Darling, why spend anymore time on that horse's ass when Mr. Tie-Me-Up-Tie-Me-Down i…"

"[to Nick] You're like the Yoda of escorts. Getting you on the phone was harder than getting into college."