"I'm into you, and...I'm hard."

"Holy buckets...she wants me to give her the D."

"Hey, sir. I've got something yummy for your little girl."

"Who's gonna pound on it? Say it: 'Ian's gonna pound on it.'"

"I can't believe I'm banging an Amish chick. I mean seriously, what are the odds?"

"Oh, did you have a moment? A little moment? You're an idiot."

"Which do you like better, the shaft or the balls?...You like 'em both, don't you."

"Put a little sack into it, powder puff."

"Hey, I was born to fertilize!"

"No way. No way my little brother's takin' it in the chili ring! You go and bang a female woman like the good Lord int…"