"People knock ASBOs but you have to bear in mind they are the only qualification some of these kids are going to get."

"[On her home town in Kent:] Erith isn't twinned with anywhere but it does have a suicide pact with Dagenham."

"As Linda drifted in and out of consciousness, her fellow comedian Mark Steel noticed Joan Collins on the television. …"

"[Of a recipe for Chilli Con Carne] English people may like to substitute a sponge cake at this point. (Series 1, Epis…"

"Gordon Jackson! (throughout)"

"Paul Merton: (on the subject of people wearing bow-ties) People wear bow-ties because it's show-business, isn't it? I…"

"This is Prince Charles & Camilla. Or, as I like to think of them, Rod Hull & Emu."

"I sort of sympathise with them looking for weapons of mass destruction, because I'm like that with scissors. Honestly…"

"Piers Morgan who used to be editor of The Mirror. He's got a whole new career now, as the bloke who used to be editor…"

"If God wanted us to believe in him, he'd exist."