"If God wanted us to believe in him, he'd exist."

"People knock ASBOs but you have to bear in mind they are the only qualification some of these kids are going to get."

"[On her home town in Kent:] Erith isn't twinned with anywhere but it does have a suicide pact with Dagenham."

"As Linda drifted in and out of consciousness, her fellow comedian Mark Steel noticed Joan Collins on the television. …"

"[Of a recipe for Chilli Con Carne] English people may like to substitute a sponge cake at this point. (Series 1, Epis…"

"Paul Merton: (on the subject of people wearing bow-ties) People wear bow-ties because it's show-business, isn't it? I…"

"This is Prince Charles & Camilla. Or, as I like to think of them, Rod Hull & Emu."

"I sort of sympathise with them looking for weapons of mass destruction, because I'm like that with scissors. Honestly…"

"Piers Morgan who used to be editor of The Mirror. He's got a whole new career now, as the bloke who used to be editor…"

"My favourite ever headline was "Worksop Man Dies Of Natural Causes.""