"I know now that I'm definetely never gonna be president. Not unless everyone gets real cool about a bunch of stuff re…"

"How dare you clap? How dare you clap for the worst financial decision I ever made in my life? I paid $120,000 for som…"

"You remember being 12, when you're like, "No one look at me or I'll kill myself.""

"Crazy people are like that. They have unlimited crazy currency. [...] The things they say mean nothing to them, but t…"

"The greatest assembly of them all, once a year, Stranger Danger. [...] You are gathered together as a school and you …"

"College was like a four-year game show called Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need to Go to Sleep? But instead of …"

"College is just your opinion. Just you raising your hand and being like, "I think Emily Dickinson's a lesbian." And t…"

"Marijuana is legal in, like, 18 or 19 states in one form or another. It's insane. Yeah, well... All right, don't "who…"

"I loved being a temp, because I would just go from office to office and be terrible at a different job for a week."

"I'm gross. I have hair on my shoulders now. I don't even have a joke for that, that's how much I hate that shit."