"Jack Dee: "Leeds was the birthplace of two of Britain's most venerable writers of comedy - Alan Bennett and our own B…"

"Jack Dee: "Crawley is often referred to as the Barcelona of West Sussex, mainly by people who've never been to Barcel…"

"What happens in Manchester today happens in the rest of the world tomorrow. So listen up, rest of the world. Tomorrow…"

"Well with Mickey Mouse's big hand pointing upwards and Goofy's tail pointing downwards, I realise my Rolex is a fake."

"As the frisky tomcat of fate confronts the scalpel of destiny, and the precious natural woodland of time meets the mo…"

"As the Ford Anglia of time fails the MOT test of eternity, and the dappled donkey of fate ambles toward the abbetoir …"

"Well as the delicate mayfly of time collides with the speeding windscreen of fate, and the angry wasp of destiny flie…"

"As the loose boweled pigeon to time swoops low over the tourist of destiny, and the unlicensed mini-cab of fate gets …"

"As the short-sighted rhino of time attempts to mount the VW beetle of eternity, and the rubber glove of hope gets los…"

"As the great tit of time nibbles through the gold top of eternity, and the unseen mouse droppings of fate nestle in t…"