"My favorite people to have fun with are police officers 'cause they're so serious, you know. They gotta be, you know.…"

"Three years ago, I bought a Beetle, not even thinking. [Audience laughs some] That's not the joke, shut up. See? I ca…"

"I have a thing for soda, I love it. [Points to the side of the stage] I know they gave me water, but- [Looks over to …"

"You know when you're [driving] drunk, you're like [Imitates car driving and going over the bumps on the edge of the r…"

"Now, if you know for a fact that you are going to go to jail, okay? You're already like, "I'm gone," have a little fu…"

"I accidentally wound up at this "dance...place", gentleman clubby place. I wasn't driving, it was an accident; we pul…"

"I celebrated my 21st birthday here, and that was the last time I drank in El Paso. [Audience cheers] You folks don't …"

"And then I realized I was being checked out by GUYS! And I know they were checking me out, because they were looking …"

"A lot has changed, El Paso, a lot has changed. One thing's for sure, I'm still the fluffy guy. And I say "fluffy" bec…"

"I'm gonna tell you something right now, Indian people in the United States are the hardest working people I've ever s…"