"Hello, my name is Antoni Clarke, and I am a bride's best friend. [Pause; wearily] I'm not gay."

"Not everyone wants to get married in a crazy way. Not everyone wants their special day ruined by a gimmick. But some …"

"[About a prospective bride-to-be in an unlikely bid] She was quite pretty. We could pair her up with someone else."

"Jake Johnson as Ronnie"

"Mary Holland as Becky"

"Marc Maron as Randy"

"[sitting on a tree branch with Alice] I think you're nice."

"[making out with Alice on a picnic table] Wait, there's people everywhere."

"Let's Erin Brockovich this bitch!"

"You look like "Burn Victim Barbie"."