"Well, babies are notoriously foul-mouthed. [shot of Charlie pointing at a doll] This one just called Derek a prick!"

"Oh good, this is hardly ever on."

"So whose side is it on, is it on Anthea's side or is it on human kind side? Well the answer is it's on nobody's side …"

"Balls to aspiration, it's a tosser's mirage."

"Now, as an embittered cynic, I should be almost programmed to vomit all over the screen at the mere sight of this, bu…"

"At first glance, My Super Sweet 16 appears to be a sugary bit of reality drizzle about some irritating American brats…"

"Each episode follows an unbelievably spoiled rich and tiny sod as they prepare to throw a despicably opulent coming o…"

"Actually, I think this might be an Al-Qaeda recruitment film."

"Fortunately for whining snotface, the party itself goes with a bang. She enters looking every inch the cosseted flesh…"

"Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching Screenwipe, a programme all about television."