"Well, babies are notoriously foul-mouthed. [shot of Charlie pointing at a doll] This one just called Derek a prick!"

"So whose side is it on, is it on Anthea's side or is it on human kind side? Well the answer is it's on nobody's side …"

"Balls to aspiration, it's a tosser's mirage."

"Now, as an embittered cynic, I should be almost programmed to vomit all over the screen at the mere sight of this, bu…"

"At first glance, My Super Sweet 16 appears to be a sugary bit of reality drizzle about some irritating American brats…"

"Each episode follows an unbelievably spoiled rich and tiny sod as they prepare to throw a despicably opulent coming o…"

"Actually, I think this might be an Al-Qaeda recruitment film."

"Fortunately for whining snotface, the party itself goes with a bang. She enters looking every inch the cosseted flesh…"

"In summary, our world is doomed."

"Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching Screenwipe, a programme all about television."