"I saw a bloke the other day talking to himself. So I tried to listen but I couldn't hear him. But the weird part is w…"

"I'll never forget the day my mum said "Carl when I was your age I used to go to the movies with a bottle of water and…"

"Have you ever done those Coca-Cola burps that come out of your nose and eyeballs? You think a burp looks bad! Someone…"

"You know those people who let their yawn out and they keep talkin'. "Yeah Tuesday would be pretty good (continues tal…"

"I love tea. Mmmm. I know I'm getting old because I'm startin' get excited about tea. Just sitting in the loungeroom b…"

"Sometimes you're talkin' and a little bit of spit flies out. You see it floating in the sky and land on 'em. You both…"

"I hate dates. I sit at home all day, and I don't fart once. I go on a date and I've got twenty in the bank straight a…"

"My friends like to tell me before they fart like it's important. They get really excited, like I wanna know about it.…"

"My dad was proud of himself when he farted. He sounds like he's strangling a chicken when he farts."

"I forgot to mention that where the guest of honour is a man, he should take the hostess's arm when entering the dinin…"