comedians-from-australia

"Perhaps I'd better explain the game before we go any farther. Chess is played on a black and white board. All the white squares are next to the black squares, and all the black squares are next to the white squares. This is to keep them separate.Then you are given a handful of rooks (not the kind you know) and pawns, and kings, and queens, and bishops, and castles which you spread out on the board indiscriminately. You then go to sleep. The first to wake up moves something on the board, and then it is the other player's turn."

"I forgot to mention that where the guest of honour is a man, he should take the hostess's arm when entering the dining- room. If the hostess is very far gone, another gentleman may hold the other arm, a third gentleman going in front with the legs."

"A Darlinghurst Don Quixote, he tilted at windbags."

"A cold plunge is bracing. Have the bath about three-quarters full of cold water. Lock the bathroom door. Slap the water a few times with the open hand and sing "D'ye Ken John Peel" in a loud voice and say, "Phoo! Hah! Phow!" This means that you are actually having a cold bath. Stay a reasonable time in the bathroom and then pull the plug out of the bath and emerge, prancing slightly. I have done this every winter for years and have never been found out yet. But be sure to wet the soap."

". But then, so is soup."

"Do I know anything about golf! My boy, I was playing golf when St Andrew's links had only one hole, and there was only two of us that played the game-me and St Andrew. I had to give up playing with him after he'd been made a saint, because he started ringing in miracles on me."In those days we used rough, three-cornered or square balls stuffed with haggis or some other non-detonating material ...""

"Have you ever noticed how, in all books, people coming into a room always gently close the door behind them? I suppose the reason for this is that if they closed the door in front of themselves they'd still be outside."

"He wanted to be a water diviner, but I could think of a lot of things diviner than water ..."

"Some made rude remarks. Others just folded their discontents like Arabs and silently stole away."

"Like so many humorists, he didn't look the part. He was a smallish, dark, morose man, who would light up at intervals, like an erratic neon-sign, with a violent sparkle of high spirits, which often produced some rather fey behaviour.The mere sight of a straw hat, for example, could always lure out the hobgoblin in him. "Aha! Breakfast!" he cried, on one occasion, observing his friend Norman ("Tibby") Cotter wearing one of those fashionable creations of the early 1930s. Wrenching Mr Cotter's boater from his head, Lower took a large, semi-circular bite from the brim, returned the head-gear and departed, masticating with enjoyment, leaving Mr Cotter dancing a pas seul of rage."

"A whale's best friend is its blubber."

"Many people are confused by the multiplicity of knives, forks, and spoons set before them, and are inclined to make a haphazard selection, thus making goats of themselves. Remain calm and do the thing systematically. First of all, use up the spoons; secondly, go through the forks; then wind up on the knives. In the case of wine glasses and so forth, select the biggest and stick to it. I do this myself invariably, and have never been tossed out of a dining-room yet."

"Nowadays it is hardly necessary to ask permission of a lady to smoke, unless it's opium; but be careful, if you do ask, not to use the phrase, "May I smoke?" You are simply asking for the correct answer, which is, "I don't care if you burn.""

"People have asked me which was the better-poultry farming or dairy farming.Well, you've got to milk a cow, but a hen does her own egging.Mind you, there's a lot to be said for dairy farming. A lot of farmers say it, too. I don't blame them much, although I never did approve of bad language."

"People frequently ask me where I get all my culture and information from. If you met me and had converse with me for a few minutes you would probably ponder the same question."

"I diet very strenuously myself. First my breakfast, then diet; lunch followed by a fairly light diet in order to prepare for afternoon tea, which should be followed by a fair amount of dieting until dinner time. If the system can stand it, one should fast from then until supper."

"I've often wondered how people become dentists. Probably some sadistic urge due to ill-treatment in early youth. If they had been put in a Borstal institute when showing the first signs of mental dentality or dental mentality or, anyhow, becoming jaw-minded, they might have been cured. As it is they are permitted to roam at large and have conventions."

"I should never have spoken to that dentist. He looked at me with eyes like a dead cobra and said, "You have two defective bicuspids."Up till then I had always thought that a bicuspid was a two-handled spitoon or cuspidor, as we say in the States."You should have them attended to," he went on. "I might be able to save the right molar for you, but the one on the left will have to come out, I'm afraid.""You're afraid!" I said. "It's me that's afraid.""

"That's the worst of these New Year resolutions-they get you into so much trouble. I think it is much safer to give some harmless order to yourself, such as resolving not to drink out of horse-troughs on Sunday. But I wasn't satisfied with something simple like that. I made a grand, sweeping gesture and resolved to be a model husband. And the result: The resolution split up the sides the first day."

"I shall always look back with pleasure on my formative years when my character was being moulded. I was the most belted child in the kindergarten, and it speaks volumes for my character that I came back in the night after leaving and burnt the place down. And now, here I am with my character all formed, and not a damn thing to do with it."

"Quoits is a good game for the cold months. You just sit in front of the fire and throw the quoits on to the peg. The only trouble is that this is rather a strenuous game. When you've thrown all the quoits on to the peg you've got to get up out of your chair and collect them again. A game for young men, I should say."

"To be a working journalist one needs tact, aplomb, a wide general knowledge, an inventive mind, a faculty for quick action, a nose for news, an ear for scandal, and a mouth for drinking purposes. Also a pencil and some paper. The last three items are absolutely essential."

"The catching of whales for commercial purposes is a large and thriving industry. I myself only catch them for sport. The trouble lies in getting them home. The last whale I brought home I had to leave out in the street as it was quite impossible to get it through the front gate. After about three weeks people started to complain. There was such a ridiculous rumpus about it that I have never gone whaling since. However, I don't mind giving anyone interested a few hints.One needs a few small boats and a mother ship. This last is to put your mother on. The principal instrument used in whaling is the baboon, a barbed instrument something like a spear which is hurled into the side of the whale. One then just hauls the whale in. This is much simpler than fishing for them with ordinary rod and line."

"Last time the wife was sick I did all the housework. It's child's play once you get used to it. The difficulty, however, is in getting used to it."

"I have never yet met a barber who didn't know everything, and such being the case it is only right that he be given his proper social and professional status in the community.I defy anybody to stun a barber with a question he can't answer, be it foreign affairs, skin diseases, horses or hang- overs. Just the same, it seems a pity that barbering should be degraded to the level of the medical and legal professions."

"At the conclusion of the dinner the hostess gives the signal to rise. I am not sure how this is done, but I think that a green flag waved two or three times above the head should be sufficient, or at an informal affair, just a cheery remark, "Now, come on! You've had enough," would suffice."

"For your next bath try a can of tomato soup. It gives you that schoolgirl complexion all over. You wouldn't know what a schoolgirl's complexion looks like all over, perhaps, but you can take my word for it."

"I have taken precautions about losing the front door-key. I have it tied around my waist underneath my singlet. It means getting partly undressed each time I want to open the door but it's better than sitting on the door-step all night. Or is it?"

"... Why don't you put this beer out in the sun to get cool? If it was any flatter you'd have to serve it on a plate."

"A gentleman should not talk to a lady with his hands in his pockets-unless she's his wife, in which case it's unavoidable."

"As the old adage says, "There is many a true word spoken in chess.""

"Australia is now a nation. We are entitled to call ourselves a nation because we owe several billion pounds abroad and are among the highest taxed people in the world."

"The coconut is a good, hard-wearing fruit, easy to handle, and amenable to discipline. Cut in half and hollowed out they make serviceable berets for schoolchildren. They make dependable doorstops and are miraculous as a missile. Boiled in their jackets they are delicious. Solomon Islanders climb trees for them. You can get milk out of them without having to get up at three o'clock in the morning and risk being kicked to death in the bails."

"I never did care much for cocktail parties. I'm all the time looking for a place to put the olive-stones. You can't park them under the table like chewing-gum. Cherries are easy; they just go down whole with the drink, toothpick and all."

"All his life he had desired to have a little place to himself: now he's got it."

"I like hotels. I am compiling a brochure on bar-room tactics which may interest you. For instance, always get your shout in first; you never know who else may turn up later. The only exception to this rule is when the other party looks at his watch and says, "Just one quick one. I must get away soon." In that case you let him shout first. After having it, and as he is just going to the door, it is permissable to say, "Sure you won't have another?" Only a dirty dog would say "Yes."When in a team, watch the soda bottles carefully. If they are still half full, it is safe to shout the whiskies. I once had to shout eight whiskies and assorted bottles of soda-water and ginger-ale. I didn't mind the whisky so much, but to be landed with eight bottles of soda-water and ginger-ale galled me. I have never made that mistake since."

"After the celebrations we all settled down to a bit of solid mourning. We mourned to such an extent that the police were called in, and you should have seen the empties! The caretaker gets the lot. No wonder he owns a care. I mean a car."

"But we were speaking of dentists, I think. I shall have to tread softly here. I am at present having some teeth filled. A boring business."

"Exercise should be taken in moderation. Here is a good one for reducing the hips: Stand erect with the hands on top of the head, and slowly raise the left leg to the level of the shoulders. Keep it there for five or ten minutes, then gently lower to the ground. Do this ten times with the left leg and ten times with the right leg. Then do it with both legs at once. You will actually feel a difference in your hips almost immediately."

"The careful hostess will see that the jam is tastefully displayed. A little crepe paper around the tins will easily fix this."

"Don't be misled by weighing machines. Weighing machines are the most lying things on earth, and should be treated accordingly. When you see "16 st. 10 lb." on the dial, think of the number you first thought of and stick to it. And don't be disheartened if results do not come immediately. Slim women may look slick, but a fat woman stays. Ask any corset manufacturer."

"Even when I was very young I had a strong suspicion that there was something wrong with our education system. Sitting right at the back of the class, I could never hear anything, and the teacher had a nasty habit of springing questions on me just when I was halfway through a green quince or fixing the handle of my all-day sucker."

"When eating fruit, such as watermelon, the seeds should be removed from the mouth with the hand and placed in the pocket or handbag. At important functions it is best to swallow them, as it saves mucking about."

"... geography is so unsettled lately. You've got to wait for the late final extra edition of the evening paper to find out if places are still on the map."

"School examinations are now in the air. As a scholar I was never very keen on examinations. I regarded them as a low trick played on defenceless pupils. Now, of course, when I don't have to sit for any examinations, I can see what a great boon they are, and how much good they do, and how they help you to get on in the world, and all that ...In my time, in the good old days, probably before your time, examinations were terrifically difficult. It will give you some idea of how difficult they were when I tell you that I couldn't pass in any subject. The teacher said it was a school record."

"I don't like window-cleaning much. I found that the easiest way to clean windows was to throw buckets of water at them and then polish them with our Pomeranian. The dog used to yelp a bit, but it was really a good idea, as by this simple procedure I polished the windows and cleaned the dog at the same time. A woman would never think of a simple thing like that. They're too set in their ideas."

"These images, there are lots of them out there, they are what we call inspiration porn. And I use the term porn deliberately, because they objectify one group of people for the benefit of another group of people. So in this case, we're objectifying disabled people for the benefit of nondisabled people. The purpose of these images is to inspire you, to motivate you, so that we can look at them and think, "Well, however bad my life is, it could be worse. I could be that person.”"

"That quote, "The only disability in life is a bad attitude," the reason that that's bullshit is because it's just not true, because of the social model of disability. No amount of smiling at a flight of stairs has ever made it turn into a ramp. Never."

"I want to live in a world where we don't have such low expectations of disabled people that we are congratulated for getting out of bed and remembering our own names in the morning. I want to live in a world where we value genuine achievement for disabled people."

"Ladies and gentlemen, I’m afraid I’m going to disappoint you dramatically. I am not here to inspire you. I am here to tell you that we have been lied to about disability. Yeah, we’ve been sold the lie that disability is a Bad Thing, capital B, capital T. It’s a bad thing, and to live with a disability makes you exceptional. It’s not a bad thing, and it doesn’t make you exceptional."