"If only I was born Italian...All the best Yankees are Italian...My mother makes spaghetti with ketchup, what chance d…"

"I felt her chest! When she grabbed me, I felt my first chest!"

"Attention, ladies and gentlemen! Today's game will be delayed because of my aunt Blanche's headache..."

"I love tense moments! Especially when I'm not the one they're all tense about."

"If I had a choice between a tryout with the Yankees and actually seeing her [Nora's] bare breasts for two and a half …"

"(On his father) "He was born at the age of forty-two..."

"It started out like a murder mystery in Blenheim castle. No one said a word, but everyone looked suspicious...It was …"

"The tension in the air was so thick, you could cut it with a knife. Which is more than I could say for the liver.""

"It's amazing how quickly you recover from misery when someone offers you ice cream."

"Eugene Morris Jerome...It is the second worst name ever given to a male child. The first worst is Haskell Fleischmann..."