"If only I was born Italian...All the best Yankees are Italian...My mother makes spaghetti with ketchup, what chance d…"

"I felt her chest! When she grabbed me, I felt my first chest!"

"Attention, ladies and gentlemen! Today's game will be delayed because of my aunt Blanche's headache..."

"If I had a choice between a tryout with the Yankees and actually seeing her [Nora's] bare breasts for two and a half …"

"(On his father) "He was born at the age of forty-two..."

"It started out like a murder mystery in Blenheim castle. No one said a word, but everyone looked suspicious...It was …"

"The tension in the air was so thick, you could cut it with a knife. Which is more than I could say for the liver.""

"It's amazing how quickly you recover from misery when someone offers you ice cream."

"How am I going to become a writer if I don't know how to suffer? Actually, I'd give up writing if I could see a naked…"

"Eugene Morris Jerome...It is the second worst name ever given to a male child. The first worst is Haskell Fleischmann..."